New Children's TV.....
....particularly CBBC.

Me daughter's about 15 and 1/2 months old now and has started to watch kids telly. Being a shift-working parent, in the afternoons I go home and have begun to join in with this event, which should be a joyous, learning and rewarding experience for the toddler/parent.

What an utter pile of steaming tripe they stick on nowadays.

Tweenies - 4+ guys in suits pretending to be kids and one of them crying alot. Fuck, that's depressing. Some of them try to sing songs but it doesn't hide the pain.

Big Cook Little Cook - god, Gordon Ramsey would have a field day in this place. No playing in the kitchen for starters. Secondly, no fecking midgets either. What the fuck is this, a circus? Plus those meals, I wouldn't serve them to the disabled.

Into The Night Garden - what the shuddering fuck is meant to be taught to kids who watch this, other than drugs are good? "So, his name is Iggle-Pi...ggle, Iggle Iggle Iggle Iggle Pi...ggle..." And?

Clifford the Big Red Dog - oh great, now my daughter will think that if she "loves" a dog enough, he will grow 17 foot tall. He might if you give him 16 gallons of Baby Bio, or just die. Let's try on a puppy shall we?

Lazytown - me daughter watches this and immediately stands up and starts dancing. I'm getting tired just watching that cunt in blue. Although that girl in pink looks hot.... hmmmm.... errr anyways, all I can make of this is that me daughter will now believe that every adult should be able to somersault down the road just to get a paper or handstand walk the dog etc...sorry luv, daddy's a fat cunt.

No wonder we're a country of idiots.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:06, 14 replies)

*clicks tentatively*
Stephanie's about 12 though, so don't perv over her, and everybody knows that Sportacus is a dick, Robbie Rotten's the real hero.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:16, closed)

Night Garden
Dear god. I work for Next (urgh) in the stockroom and process the deliveries. Every day I have to hang these bloody Night Garden tops. Some of them are terrifying.
(Xstopher, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:28, closed)

"Stephanie"
...is now 16. But she still looks 12, and pretends to be 8, so to me that's still a serious "no-go" area.

In the Nonsense Garden, though, for those of you who haven't seen it, makes the Teletubbies look like Newsnight. Today, some of the bizarre creatures go for a ride on a little train. Or perhaps an airship. Again.

Oh, and the songs get stuck in your head. Thanks very much for mentioning Clifford, BTW, as the first 2 lines of the theme tune is now buzzing round my skull.

On the other hand, when I was under 5, what did we get? Clangers, Mary Mungo and Midge, Andy Pandy, Rupert the Bear, Bill and Ben. Hardly a shining beacon against which to judge.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:32, closed)

^^Amish
I want to re-write the Clifford theme tune in the style of "Tenacious D". I could imagine Jack Black banging out the tune instead :D

"That Clifford, that big fucking dog!"
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:37, closed)

I know one of the Tweenies actors
*fact*
(Errorist, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 17:47, closed)

Have you seen courage the cowardly dog?
im still trying to get over the first episode i saw
(i dont get it tell them a badger got me, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 22:15, closed)

You poor thing
And it doesn't get any better. My girls are now 5 and 7. It is quite a surprise how many channels and kid's shows I've banned because they are far too awful to contemplate. I mean, 'Bratz'? WTF? A cartoon about a bunch of ill mannered pre-teens whose sole belief is that if you look beautiful and buy all the latest trends then your world will be perfect? No thanks.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 27 Jun 2008, 2:30, closed)

Videos
We bought a load of children's classics on videos - DVDs not having been invented when my son was that age. Clangers, The Herbs, Bagpuss, pretty much anything Oliver Postgate ever touched, plus Trap Door etc.

So many kids TV shows now are either insults to their intelligence, hyperactive retards screaming unintelligibly, or 25 minute toy adverts. Kids still like proper stories, but there's nothing on TV that reflects that now.
(Leo Sasquatch hates being the grown-up, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 9:06, closed)

Trapdoor?
Brilliant!

Thanks for plonking that firmly back in my brain

*sings*
Don't you open that trapdooooooorrrr....

*deeper voice*
'Cos there's something down there

Boop-boop-de-boop
(Jugular, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 13:26, closed)

I know someone who's fucked Lala.
Also FACT.

Also, *click* for "sorry luv, daddy's a fat cunt"
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 20:54, closed)

Actually

that lass isn't about 12 she's more like 17
i know this because i wikipediad her once and turns out she's 3 days older than me and i'm 17 so it's perfectly none illegal to perve :)
tally ho
(Freddles, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 13:18, closed)

Late night kids tv
If you tune into some channels like Boomerang, and a couple of others (can't remember the names, I got rid of Sky when I moved) they have the old kids programs on, Ivor the Engine, King Rollo, basically all the decent stuff. I did a Sky Plus thingy for a few weeks, and ended up with about 5 dvds of decent kids tv! (yes, I do have a kid)
( P, Benny P, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 14:33, closed)

Classic cartoon violence at its best...
I recently bought the Tom & Jerry box set, 5 DVDs of all the Tom & Jerry cartoons, I'm 23 and it still has me in hysterics. When I'm struck down with the bain of parenthood that's what my kids will be watching, none of this Barney the Giant Purple Tool rubbish!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:39, closed)

so glad she's legal
I felt guilty about that feverish drunken wank for a few weeks now.
(Ktulu O'Ryleh float like a turd, sting like chlamydia, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 22:54, closed)