This QOTW has been mildly annoying for me,
because I'm not bad at DIY. I can put up shelves, assemble flat-pack furniture, and even do the odd spot of car repair with a minimum of fuss. So it's been pretty hard for me to think of anything to post at all.

Until this weekend, this is barely on topic, but I'm going to post it anyway. You see, the current Mrs Monkeysex had come round, and true to our name, we were rutting away like an army of Gibbons up to their eyeballs in Viagra and monkey porn.
She was happily bouncing away on top of me, inhibitions to the wind, and her breasts boinging up and down all lovely like. When, she decides to stop, pull me out and lay by my side, before whispering softly into my ear, 'I want to see you come.'
Frankly, I'm just glad she's naked, and that she's there, I couldn't give a flip what we do.
So, she grabs hold of my throbbing member, and begins pumping away like an expert. Now, any man knows that most women are generally terrible at the manual stimulation, they grip too hard, or not hard enough, pull the skin too tight, their weedy little arms just can't pump fast enough, or long enough.
This was the first time Mrs Monkeysex had ever done this to me, and I was impressed. She slapped the Dolphin at just the right speed, her grip of the monster, just below the neck, was spot on, hell she was better at it than I am! I lay there in paroxysms of ecstasy, I could feel the orgasm building inside me, I knew it wouldn't be long before my cock-Vesuvius was erupting it's sticky magma, drowning my pubic lice like Roman peasants.
But, bugger me, it just wouldn't happen! Curse the Gods of masturbation, I was laying there, receiving the best handjob of my life, but my little mini eggs of pleasure just wouldn't bring forth the spooge of life. Dammit, she was happily fwapping away for a good, long, long time. I was writhing away, moaning and groaning, on the cusp of an explosion of cataclysmic proportions for what must have been at least half an hour.

'Sod this for a game of soldiers,' she said, 'Do It Yourself.'

Which I happily did, in less than 30 seconds.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 10:48, 7 replies)

...
*laughs*
*runs to mindbleach factory*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 10:53, closed)

Okay...
I'm going to have to go and do something wholesome like bake cakes in order to get that image out of my mind.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 10:59, closed)

Hehe!
Consider yourselves lucky I don't have a profile pic!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 11:06, closed)

well
I think it's sweet and I liked that you felt the need to use the word 'flip' in amongst all the other filth.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 14:32, closed)

"slapped the Dolphin"
What a brilliant phrase. I feel it should be incorporated into the Wible.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 14:49, closed)

Cheers CHCB
I wasn't sure whether to tell an outright lie, or go the whole hog and do a Frankspencer-style post this month, but decided to go for humourous filth, rather than total filth.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Mon 7 Apr 2008, 14:59, closed)

Hmmm...
Sounds familiar......ah!

This happened to me last night!

Once again, the woman in the scene wasn't best pleased!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 10:06, closed)