Sticks and stones may break my bones
But I'll cure them with some top quality bodge jobs afterwards.

Here are a few of mine from years gone by. None are big enough to warrant a whole post, so have a collecton. Injuries were generally suffered by myself, but some were by mates.


#1 Broken ulna and radius

Cause: Dudley Death Drop. Me and friends wrestling on the school field, aged 11. I lost.

Remedy: Lie on the floor, screaming. Cover arm with school blazer.

Result: Surprisingly, didn’t work. Weekend in hospital after a four hour operation. Metal plates in my arm for 2 months, which I now have sat in a little pot (screws and all) on the side in my bedroom.


#2 Suspected broken foot and hand

Cause: Argument with taxi driver whilst absolutely munted. Taxi driver subsequently tried to run me over, only got my foot. Probably deserved it too. Followed this up by punching like a twat at the taxi, hitting a lovely panel of metal.

Remedy: Sit in bed for the rest of the weekend, drinking and watching some top quality films including Dude, Where’s My Car? and Withnail & I

Result: Limp for two weeks, having to wear trainers with a suit to work. My little finger on my left hand now sits at a slightly funny angle, and you can feel a weird bone thing on the side of my hand.


#3 Glass jammed in friend’s foot on holiday

Cause: Urm, walking on some glass.

Remedy: Steal girl next door’s eyebrow tweezers, pick out chunk of glass and wash out wound with vodka. Replace tweezers hoping the girl doesn’t notice.

Result: I moan about wasted vodka. Girl finds out about us using tweezers as makeshift operation equipment, and doesn’t take too kindly. Foot heals 100%. Success.


#4 Took all the skin off my left leg

Cause: Slide tackle on fucking rock solid football pitch, sans shin pad.

Remedy: Half a bottle of 40 year old TCP from the works first aid box, the next day

Result: Stunk out office with TCP, hair on that part of my leg no longer grows the same. Bit patchy.


#4 What can only be described as a colony of verrucas on my heel.

Cause: The top quality clientele of my local swimming pool.

Remedy: Bazuka didn’t work, so holding a fuck off chunk of ice on my heel, followed by taking them off with a pen knife.

Result: Missed one, which, without the support of it’s’ comrades, was soon a victim of the remaining bazuka in the tube.


#5 Broken index / middle finger

Cause: Mate playing in goal in five a side (first game of the tournament), gets hit on the end of his fingers, breaking two.

Remedy: Let him use goalie gloves for the rest of the tournament (which we won, and got a trophy so small that the bloke who designed the ashes would have shat a kidney in awe at). Follow this up with a few cans and then a realisation that he might have to go hospital.

Result: As noted above, VICTORY! Then advice from a doctor (the so called experts) that he was stupid to carry on playing, and should’ve gone straight to hospital. Squares. They clearly don’t understand that winning a charity 5 a side is more important than one mans safety.

And that’s all I can think of. I will offer free medical advice on any ailments you have between now and the end of this weeks QOTW.

Yours,

Dr P C Sniffer.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sat 22 Jan 2011, 18:17, 6 replies)

You stupid cunt, don't you know that Vodka is best utilised as a cure for appendicitis?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 22 Jan 2011, 18:20, closed)

That's where I've been going wrong then.
I hear it's also a good cure for kidney failure, chlamydia and death.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sat 22 Jan 2011, 18:24, closed)

Kidney failure is only cured by shouting at it.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 22 Jan 2011, 18:33, closed)

Little known fact
Lung cancer is cured by a combination of bleach and wishful thinking.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Sat 22 Jan 2011, 18:42, closed)

wishful thinking is mainly for fat woman on day time telly.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sat 22 Jan 2011, 20:37, closed)

As a doctor,* I endorse this.






* Not a medical doctor.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 22 Jan 2011, 21:40, closed)