Low-Flow Priapism - non-invasive surgical rectification
I posted this years ago... Let's air it again shall we?

*******************
I was a Teenage lad in the stage of life where the phrases "Fist of Fury" and "Wanking like a caged Chimp" were rather fitting. By day I was a shifty kid who'd run off to his room with alarming regularity, and by night I could be found humping any inanimate object that I thought might be provide a new sensation. One night, pleased with my forward planning, I went to bed with a napkin ring in my pocket.

I'd pocketted the napkin ring because I'd just learned about 'cock rings'. To this day I hold Ferris Beuler responsible. "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing" ... lacking Knowledge such as "Cock-rings are designed to be released" could - for example - be deemed to be dangerous.
You learn these things by experimenting, research, or in my case, The hard way.

**********

Mid session, the stand-in napkin suddenly became too big for its ring... Being the smart lad I was, I reasoned "It'll go down if I get turned off... What's horrible?" Teenage reason kicked in, and closed my eyes and pictured my Gran, Naked, with pus dripping from her crusty crevice. Not only did I manage to maintain this vile image for 5 minutes, but I managed to maintain an erection throughout. An erection that was in fact increasing in size.

I was HORRIFIED: I obviously harboured disturbing subconscious thoughts for my Gran. Subsequently I took no pleasure in the sudden and painful understanding of the bio-mechanics behind my now monstrous and painful hard-on: so long as the napkin ring stayed... so would this throbbing beast...

You know how a love-bite/hickey causes surface capillaries to burst, and make your skin go a blotchy red/purple? well... my Dick was VERY much like that... ALL OVER.

I started to Panic. I mentally pictured A&E (ER for the 'Merkins), and pictured a jovial fireman with some big metal shears quipping "we'll be having it off ina Jiffy"... Sweating with Terror I attempted reason, and realised that I could perform this surgical removal by myself. In my moment of need turned to my trusty Minicraft Drill... Two cutting disks later, the pewter napkin ring was only HALF off!!

Cutting disks whining away at 30,000rpm cause HEAT. Pewter is a fairly soft metal, so it doesn't actually cut well.
HEAT. did I mention that? HEAT!!! Heat in a metal ring, Painfully tight around my man-handle.

Total
And
UTTER
Agony.

Ignore the pain: get on with the job in hand.
So... Water. More water. cut. Water. CUT. JEEEEZ.

You KNOW something's SERIOUSLY wrong when you're naked, on your knees and wearing goggles with your cock in one hand and a miniature angle-grinder in the other.

So... cutting bit by bit I manage to make decent cut, gently working it until its wafer thin - The heat was burning me. I could smell bacon, but it was progress - Sweet merciful progress. And then it happened. The disk snagged, and bit in.

As if the cutting disk shattering and forcing wafer-thin shards of metal into my todger wasn't enough, I then panicked and used pliers to rip the rest of the napkin ring open.

In my panicked haste I firstly pinching skin between pliers and inside of ring, and THEN badly cutting myself with the sharp edges.

While cradling my deflating, blotchy, bleeding, lacerated and smoking cock in a shaking and clammy hand, my misery, pain and horror were compounded my MUM came up to see why I was "making toys" at 2:00am on a school night.

Length? Let's just say "ribbed for her pleasure".
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:12, 18 replies)

was wondering if this story would show its head
so to speak

gets my click again.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:23, closed)

Yep.
It *had* to come out.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 14:42, closed)

Awsome
So many wrongs images :)
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 10:54, closed)

"I could smell bacon, but it was progress"
I'm so disturbed I can't even think of a response.
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 11:38, closed)

Jesus titty-fucking Christ
have a click and a shudder
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 12:14, closed)

Oh dear Christ.
I don't normally go for this phrase "leg crosser" as if it happens to someone else I couldn't give a toss.

But this made me whince.

And click.

A bit like your granny, by the sound of it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 12:25, closed)

Laughing like a loon!
Good work, *click*
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 12:26, closed)

Yay!
Seeing how much joy these old stories bring to the current crop of B3tans makes me think that maybe - just maybe - I should re-hash and re-tell a few more of my oldies... :p
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 26 Jan 2011, 12:35, closed)

Of course you should!
A whole new generation of B3tans to be horrified and entertained!

Yay!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 14:43, closed)

Not too sure...
Some of the newbies here seem to be utter shit-bags... :o/
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Jan 2011, 9:14, closed)

I'm laughing with you...
...and at you.

(Although I applaud your resourcefulness under 'pressure' (pun intended))
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 13:58, closed)

Humpty i sent this to you ages ago
But others must read
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/7131532.stm
(phe, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 14:54, closed)

Reading about my fuckups...
.... would have stopped that chap from hurting his old chap.

I first posted about my cock-related misshappery in June 2004 .. he had no excuse!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 26 Jan 2011, 15:26, closed)

school
maybe it should be part of the school curiculum. When the girls get taken away for talks about bleeding from the gash and such the boys should be told stories such as this.
(phe, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 16:03, closed)

I agree.
In all seriousness, I think most boys try something of the sort and some frank advice about what not to do as part of masturbation would not go amiss.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 17:42, closed)

but really...
Would I be able to look my 12 year-old son in the eye and say

"look here lad... Just don't go an fuck anything that'll need to be cut off your cock with a power-tool ok?"

I think not...
no... it'd be best just to show him.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Jan 2011, 11:32, closed)

A HEARTY click for the line:
"You KNOW something's SERIOUSLY wrong when you're naked, on your knees and wearing goggles with your cock in one hand and a miniature angle-grinder in the other."
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 16:03, closed)

you make me glad i've got ladybits
*winces*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 17:53, closed)