My old man
was an alcoholic (RIP DAD) every day after working down the pit he'd come home , get drunk on stout and beat my Mum with a belt made from the skin of his own 15 children.

I was the biggest and strongest child and one day I decided that enough was enough so I threw all the bottles of stout down the stairs into the cellar and waited for Dad to return home.

Little did I know Dad had been to the pub! I waited a long time and when he got back he was wasted on massive amounts of booze, he could drink like 80 bottles of whisky in one normal night, and this time he'd really pushed the boat out (he was a big man my Dad).

We had a fight and I ended up pushing him into the cellar, he was pissed and tumbled down the stairs where a massive shard of glass pierced his skull and killed him.

I represented myself at court and got off with a fine because everyone in the area knew what he was like and I'd done society a favour and then I was a hero and then everyone at school was scared of me and I didn't get bullied anymore and needless to say I got the last laugh.

cheers.
( WormuIus, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 11:55, 8 replies)

You forgot to mention the bit where the judge gave you a Honda Accord full of supermodels and cocaine as a reward for your services to the community.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 11:57, closed)

There is a solid gold statue of me in Exeter town centre
but you can't see it because its invisible.
( WormuIus, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 11:58, closed)

I'd wondered why there was a traffic cone floating 15 feet in the air
at a jaunty angle
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 18:25, closed)

Trying too hard.
6/10

Brayndedd dun betterer
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 11:59, closed)

I'll never top my Massive Drugs story.
I peaked early. Mortal Wombat was right. :(
( WormuIus, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 12:01, closed)

When I were a lad, we'd work 29 hours a day down t'mill...

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 26 Feb 2011, 15:06, closed)

meh
too working class.
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Sat 26 Feb 2011, 23:08, closed)

You might want to bloat it out a bit more so it pushes everyone else's posts off the screen, for instance:
My old man
was an alcoholic (RIP DAD).

Every day after working down the pit he'd come home.

He'd get drunk on stout.

Then beat my Mum with a belt made from the skin of his own 15 children.

I was the biggest and strongest child and one day I decided that enough was enough.

So I threw all the bottles of stout down the stairs into the cellar.

And waited for Dad to return home.

Little did I know Dad had been to the pub!

I waited a long time.

When he got back he was wasted on massive amounts of booze.

He could drink like 80 bottles of whisky in one normal night.

And this time he'd really pushed the boat out.

(He was a big man my Dad).

We had a fight and I ended up pushing him into the cellar.

He was pissed and tumbled down the stairs.

Where a massive shard of glass pierced his skull.

And killed him.

I represented myself at court and got off with a fine.

Because everyone in the area knew what he was like.

And I'd done society a favour.

And then I was a hero.

And then everyone at school was scared of me.

And I didn't get bullied anymore.

And needless to say I got the last laugh.

cheers
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 27 Feb 2011, 21:04, closed)