Yes... Not really proud of this one.
It was about twenty years ago, some friends and I were in the airport going to Malta of all places for a bit of a lash.
I was (cough use of past tense cough) a bit of a smoker back then, and really didn't want to go the two weeks without a bifta, so came up with a cunning plan. I packed about a quarter into a little tube about the size of my finger, and parcel taped it to my thigh, as high up as possible.
Going through customs to get to the 'plane, the guy points at me.
"Mind stepping over here sir?"
You know that feeling when your stomach gets lodged in your mouth, and you can see the hole opening up in front of you?
"Just a quick search, sir" as he starts to pat me down.
Under the arms, down the sides of the body, then to the turn ups and up the legs.
As he got closer, I knew I was bound for a dirty life as some crim's bitch. I could see the look on my parent's faces, the life I could have had washing away from me with every pat.
Past the knee, and at the thigh I was literally preparing the "It's a fair cop guv'" speech when he touched the tube. He looked up at me, no doubt seeing the panic break out on my face, and pulled back sharpish.
"(Something garbled)"
My mind didn't comprehend. I knew I'd been busted, in the most stupid way I could have chosen. This was stupid. I stood there, waiting for the officers to wrestle me down and ping the rubber gloves on the ends of their fingers.
"(More garble) you go sir."
Tears started to well up in me as the reality struck home and I knew home was somewhere I'd be dreaming of for a while.
"I said you can go sir."
The inner workings of my brain finally kicked in. I said nothing, but stumbled through to the departure lounge where I shakily lit up a Marlborough. (Yes, and you could smoke 'em on the 'planes back then as well!)
I can only surmise he thought he'd touched my dick and was as shocked as I was.

Now, before you start, I am fully aware of just how stupid I was, even so, any flaming may well be justified. I learnt a lot of lessons that holiday, and hopefully grew up a fair bit in the process. I mean, Malta? I may as well have been taking snow to the Arctic.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 16:42, 11 replies)

You get a click cos
That was beautifully told
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 16:43, closed)

Thankyou,
thankyou very muchly!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 17:24, closed)

What...
...Sprouts said.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 16:46, closed)

Why, thank you too!

( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 17:34, closed)

I was an unintentional international drug smuggler
Once I was unpacking my laptop bag after a trip, and I found a bag of massive drugs that I had completely forgotten were there. I reckon I'd been to the US three times with them in the bag, completely oblivious. Luckily it was LSD, which neither dogs or machines can sniff out...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 19 Aug 2010, 17:00, closed)

felt the same about holidays abroad to the south of france and spain
and not hated the thought of not having any blow, my method was have it cling film wrapped then in toilet tissue and lodged between the cheeks of my arse, I was never searched or stopped. They would only find it if they went for a full strip search.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Thu 19 Aug 2010, 18:29, closed)

Sniffer dogs
Waiting to get off a ferry, the sniffer dogs were bought round. With a little bit of green in my bag I was mildly nervous. I saw the customs bloke with a backpack, which he put down in front of my backpack and the chair I was sitting in. When the dogs came around about 5 minutes later, one of them barked at my backpack and the sphincter tightened. The trainer was the same customs bloke and he patted the dog and picked up his backpack. Seeing the look of horror on my face, he told me that there was a banana in the bag and the dog had correctly found it. Banana - ha, ha!
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 8:09, closed)

Ah!
Moral... Never carry a banana around with you.
(I've heard they can be quite dangerous in the wrong hands (ie Chuck Norris.))
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 9:39, closed)

Do you think Chuck would eat a banana in a suggestive manner, or would he just karate chop it, roundhouse it and dive to catch it in his gob?
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Sat 21 Aug 2010, 11:09, closed)

Chuck wouldn't need to peel it.
It would shed it's skin in fear at the incoming roundhouse kick.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 21 Aug 2010, 14:46, closed)

This will get a click.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 20 Aug 2010, 10:52, closed)