Celebrity chefs
Have a slightly edited pearoast

Had I been born at the right time, I too could have been a celebrity chef, in the mould of Jamie 'floppy mouth' Oliver or Ainsley 'shiny head' Harriott.

We are 'blessed' in the UK with an incredible amount of foody-TV, where self righteous knob-ends with GCSEs in woodwork try and preach to the masses about how to cook, how to eat, and what consistency your poo should be. These bastards piss me off somewhat, but particularly with their terminology.

Case in point: pan frying. This is a particularly meaningless phrase. For fucks sake, what else are you going to use to fry food? "Hmm, I fancy a steak tonight, I could grill it, but the grill is knackered. I know! I'll use my plastic sieve. Since I like my steaks rare, there's little chance of the plastic melting onto the gas ring before the steak is done to perfection".

Gaaaaaaaaah!!! You're frying something! In a pan! It's the the logical instrument of choice to use for the purpose!!! The same goes for oven-baking...

Following this illogical turn of phrase, should we then say, "Ainsley, this pan-fried sea-bass looks lovely. Wozza has done me proud, considering I spent less than a fiver in Asda on the ingredients, most of which he procured from the all-purpose BBC studio kitchen. Would you mind awfully if I mouth-ate some now? After which I would like to retire to the green room so I can stomach-digest it. Then, upon arriving home, I will take great delight in arse-shitting the remnants some 4 hours later. And, I'll also cock-piss the wine I quaffed whilst you tried your best to interfere with the cooking process"?

Personally, I would take Percy pepper ginder and ram it up his arse, base first, then grind the pepper so far up his colon that it would make his eyes water.

And, unrelated, but... that tit who does the voice overs for Big Brother in the UK - Marcus fucking Bentley. My ex line-manager is a friend of his sister, and I have it on good authority that he doesn't actually talk in that horrible faux-Geordie accent at all (no Geordie talks like that anyway). No, Marcus isn't even a Geordie.

He's from Stockton-on-Tees. Which is in the same region, granted, but they sound nothing like Geordies, in the same way that Glasweigans sound nothing like people from Edinburgh.

I'm off to lung-smoke a cigarette now, whilst eye-looking at the stars.

Edit: yes, you can deep fry stuff, I know. But steaks? Good quality fish? That's what I'm getting at
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 1:06, 10 replies)

I'm going to finger-virtual-click this
Simply for the phrase "arse-shitting".
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 1:09, closed)

I am literally, physically, manually, finger-clicking this by hand

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 1:21, closed)

I always assumed...
...that "pan-fried" was used to distinguish it from "deep-fried", as "fried" could be used to refer to either method.

But still, celebrity chefs are cunts. Except for Peter Russell-Clarke.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 1:24, closed)

A fair point
But you wouldn't deep fry a steak, or sea bass, or red snapper*. Which is what pisses me off ever so slightly.

*Unless you live on a council estate. Or in Hadston
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 1:49, closed)

Yes!
Working in the Kitchen trade Myself, that turn of phrase has ALWAYS bugged me.
(Sir Clitherington Smythe offers him yourself., Fri 5 Feb 2010, 2:40, closed)

Actually I've always wanted to try deep frying a steak
Just as an experiment. I reckon you could get it to work, as long as you don't overcook it. Has there been a QOTW for food experiments? If not, I think I'll put in a suggestion.
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Sat 6 Feb 2010, 4:53, closed)

Regardless
of your disclaimer I feel the need to point out stir-frying as well.

Still, I feel your pain.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 5:23, closed)

But stir frying is done in a pan.
"Then you pan-stir-fry the chicken..."
(TheColonel, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 10:05, closed)

Very well said.
Also "He's from Stockton-on-Tees. Which is in the same region, granted, but they sound nothing like Geordies" - Thankyou very much!
Most of the southerners I've spoken to have assumed I'm a Geordie until I say something stereotypical "Why aye pet, I divn't nah what you're talking aboot" then they realise the accents are very different.

Another thing that infuriates me:
Pre-prepare. To prepare something means to get something ready in advance, so why the need for the extra pre?
(TheColonel, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 10:04, closed)

Mouse-clicks
This has to win. It's absolutely superb.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 10:16, closed)

yeah, but
it's about lowest common denominator broadcasting - you and i well know that you don't deep fry a steak (in my case, walk it through a warm room and plate it up) - but do you think that the habitual watchers of daytime TV know that? I suspect it's a device to insulate the production company having to field complaints from mouth breathers who decided to take a break from grazing on a bargain bucket of Unlucky Fried Kitten to cook something, and lobbed half a pound of tesco value braising steak in their stinking deep fat fryer, and got bent out of shape that it wasn't the romantic gesture they're looking for.

don't get me started on ainsley twatting harriet; 6 foot 2 of mum friendly gurning talent-vacuum. Ain't nothing ainsley wouldn't do to be on the idiot's lantern - he'll panto his way through any number of life-sapping 'family entertainment' shows in order to get his bovine, drooling mug and his sub brucie persona in camera for milliseconds.


and ...exhale.
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 16:25, closed)