Brian Fucking May
Now I realise that it's become quite the thing this week to insert the word "fucking" in someone's name, but I simply cannot say this man's name without my lip curling up and the f-word falling out.

I can't stand him. Reasons include:

1. His hair. The poodle look might have been great in 1973, but not today. Or yesterday. It appears he and his squeeze, Anita Dobson, have interchangeable heads, a bit like Worzel fucking Gummidge.

2. He wears wooden clogs. What a bell-end, if you are lanky streak of piss, you don't need to wear clogs to give you some lift. (Perhaps Anita was complaining he needed a few more inches and he misunderstood)

3. He's an astronomer. The only heavenly bodies a rock musician should know about are the legions of groupies he's fucked. Which obviously, Brian hasn't. Rockers should only know about the stars they see when they are trying out exotic dangerous narcotics on my behalf in seedy fleshpots around the globe. Do you think Brian has ever lived up to his responsibilities as a Rock Star, to risk his life through excessive partying? No, nor me.

I can imagine him knocking on the dressing room wall about the noise when he's trying to watch "Sky at Night" as Freddie bums a midget who's been carrying a tray of Coke around. There has to be a Uranus gag in here somewhere, but frankly, I can't be arsed.( Wha-hey! That'll do)

I like my Rock Stars to be illiterate drug addled alcoholic burglars from Birmingham, not posh twats who WENT BACK to finish their degree after they became successful. Just "for something to fall back on if it all ends tomorrow", no doubt.


4. Playing a guitar made out of bits of fireplace and old pushbike. OK, so his Dad and him made it themselves, but he's a cunt for not retiring it quietly as soon as he could buy a REAL guitar, ie. thirty seconds after he got into a real band.
I refuse to believe him and his pa are better luthiers than Kalamazoo's finest, I'm sure the old boy wouldn't have been offended if Bri had used it to get started then ditched it, there was no need to cart it round the world for years on tour. I bet his guitar tech hates the fucking thing, he knows if anything falls off it, he's going to get the blame, and where will he find a replacement 1938 pushbike saddle?

5. He doesn't use a plectrum, he uses a coin, a sixpence. Not a 10p piece, no, a fucking sixpence, a coin out of circulation for 40 years. Cunt. Billy Gibbons uses a silver peso coin to get that scratchy squealy string attack, but why would Mr May use one? Because he is a pretentious cunt, that's why.

6. His guitar playing. This is the root of it all, my hatred for this man.
It's shit. He may have written and performed multi-million selling records for years, but he is not worthy of any praise as a guitarist. I'm sorry, but when he appeared onstage at the Guitar Legends gig in Seville in 91, alongside some REAL guitarists, he shit his pants, he knew he was bluffing. Steve Vai played a solo, Satriani stepped up and played one, Joe Walsh, Nuno Bettencourt, all wailing away, now it's Brian's turn. Oh, hang on a mo, Brian need to adjust his amplifier. Damn, and now he's missed his turn, how convenient. When he did manage to play anything it sounded like he was taking the piss, appalling, just a load of elephant noises.
He isn't fit to tune those others' guitars, let alone play alongside them. Fair enough, he has bluffed his way through life, but to think he could stand up there with true masters of the guitar, what a tosser.

I'm sure if I locked my Mum in a studio for 6 months with a guitar and told her to put some guitar tracks down or she isn't coming out, she could come up with something to equal anything Mr May has done, anyone could. A good studio can disguise all evidence of a lack of talent. I bet there's not many spontaneous takes on any of his records, apart from maybe the abysmal solo on the end of "We Will Rock You". It sounds like Stephen Hawking falling down stairs with a guitar on his lap, I can't believe it was a planned piece, more like the engineer saying:
"Listen, Brian, we've been here for 9 months, I'm tired, the LP is due out in 2 days time, just play ANY FUCKING THING, you've got 30 seconds and then I'm locking up".

7. He proved to me God doesn't exist. If He did, God would have listened to my prayers, no one has prayed like I did, but NOTHING happened. Even though I prayed and prayed, Brian fucking May stood on the roof of Buckingham Palace and played the National Anthem and didn't get struck by lightning. That, ladies and gentlemen, was when I realised we are alone, there is no God.

I really really don't like Brian May.
And yes, I am jealous of his fame and money.
(Rsoles, Tue 9 Feb 2010, 20:29, 11 replies)

you
... put a good argumant forward there.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Tue 9 Feb 2010, 21:02, closed)

Truly World Class ranting there, fella!
Have a click!
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Tue 9 Feb 2010, 21:03, closed)

Quality rant!
Click.
(anvil, Tue 9 Feb 2010, 21:18, closed)

He's Dr Brian May
When he gets his telescope out.

But I do dislike his music though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 7:22, closed)

Brian!
Steve Vai played a solo, (which was tuneless drivel) Satriani stepped up and played one (ditto), Joe Walsh (who is awesome, and can do no wrong), Nuno Bettencourt (squeally squeely diddlediddledllewhooooooooo!),

Brains solos aren't my favorite, (bit more of a Joe Pass/Martin Taylor/ David Gilmour fan myself) but he did write some nice tunes though.

Right on with the clogs though. And the hair.

And I have a copy of his guitar. Its brilliant. I also own a genuine Gibson 69 LP custom. But I prefer the May.

Still each to their own eh?
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 9:20, closed)

Indeed.
But I'm sure the replica you have was made by a team of professionals, not your Dad in his shed. (Unless your Dad owns Guild Guitars) The fact BFM keeps dragging that original piece of shit out to use says everything about the subsequent Signature guitars produced, ie. they are nowt like the original.

And yes, his tunes are perfectly respectable, if you like that sort of thing, not offensive noise. Personally, I have no real opinion on Queen's output, they do nothing for me, but many people seem to like their tunes. It's the way he is hailed as a great guitarist that niggles me. He gets by, IMHO, nothing more (to the extent of being worth approx £70million. Bastard)
(Rsoles, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:38, closed)

I agree
with all the above. Except, his music. I am a massive fan of Queen... and think some of Mays solos are rather amazing... The rest of the points I agree with. I mean a fucking sixpence? Clogs? Long hair?
Don't get me started on Paul Rogers though...
(macomateo is procrastinating on, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 9:42, closed)

style
velvet jacket, long hair, clogs: early 1970s chic ... but true enough, May never grew out of it ... it would be like fast forwarding 30 years from now and seeing middle aged men with their jeans round their arse, their pants visible, lolloping along the street like three-legged Labradors...

[what? this will actually happen? oh shit...]
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 10:40, closed)

40 years.
Which makes it even worse!
(Rsoles, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 11:46, closed)

*cough*
I am a massive fan of Queen... and think some of Mays solos are rather amazing
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 12:07, closed)

Yes but...

...he DOES have a way with the Bonzai pruning shears.

Surely that counts for something?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 14:03, closed)