traditions
I’ll try to be brief and there is a positive ending to this

Growing up the daily ritual would be my dad (I find ‘dad’ hard to say or write) would come home hammered every night. Although not physically violent towards us he was extremely aggressive. Torrents of verbal abuse, the place smashed up, my mum crying hysterically. He would say the most foul disgusting things about my mum – she met him as a 19-year-old virgin in 1968 – they had sex once and bosh there I was. So they married - common tale.

Every Christmas was ruined. No hugs or fatherly love. No expression of love at all. I was told around age 7 I was ‘all the man I was ever going to be’. He terrorised me daily and I was petrified of him all my childhood. The problem was not just drink – he was foul sober too – usually because he needed another drink but it ran deeper than that, he was bitter paranoid all the time, convinced the world was sneering at him. He was insecure and a massive underachiever. I was a bright kind, creative inquisitive. He resented this, put me down at every turn and told me that because I was interested in drawing and being creative I was a poof. He had and still has classic small man syndrome.

When I met my now wife I was 19, we will have been together 20 years this Christmas we have been married three years and have a beautiful son aged 2. When we met it didn’t take long for her to find out about my upbringing – as soon as she met my dad things became pretty apparent. She heard him one night, drunk calling my mum the most horrible things you could imagine.

My wife tried to get me to understand him, his alcoholism and his other issues (his father was by all account the same).

After years of this and him still treating me my home and my partner like shit I snapped. I wrote him a letter detailing the damage done.

I never got a reply. That was 10 years ago, I did not see him during that time. He missed my wedding, the birth of my son a decade of my life.

My sister got married 3 weeks ago. She was terrified what might happen on the day. She insisted I meet him before the wedding. I flew back to Scotland early on her request/demand that we go for a ‘family lunch’. He got hammered and stood us up.

My sisters wedding was the first I saw him. This was also the first time he saw my son. For my sister’s sake I was on my best behavior when really I would have preferred to kick him to death. I was pleasant and spoke to him. He made no attempt to apologise for all he has done. A simple acknowledgement and the words “I’m sorry” would make the world of difference to me.

During the ceremony my wife was tearful but not in a good way. I realised something was wrong. Badly wrong.

The following morning she told me that over the last 10 years I had become more bitter, aggressive and my drinking had increased. She told me that at times I had become so aggressive and abusive towards her she was often frightened of me. Basically I was turning into my dad. I should stress my behavior compared to his was a fraction of the severity and that my wife was keen to stress that I was a kind gentle caring and affectionate husband and father but unfortunately on occasion I was abusive, aggressive and frankly, at times – terrifying.

I have never felt such shame.

Over the last few weeks I have read as much as I can on emotional abuse and my wife and I have talked at length.

As a result we have found a way forward. (I also massively cut back my drinking 3 or 4 months ago on my wife’s request, I’ve have also been at the gym religiously, so I’ve lost a lot of weight and got somewhere near fit again). Sadly it took the potential flashpoint of my sisters wedding to make me realise I was in danger of becoming my father and losing my own family as a result.

My wonderful wife and beautiful boy join me out here in the dustbowl in January (I’ve been in Dubai for 4 months). I’m going home for Christmas then they come back with me. Without seeming overly dramatic it feels like the start of a new life.

I speak to my wife at least 5 times a day - the phone bills are HORRIFIC. We are both convinced we have reached a massive turning point in our lives.

Sometimes family traditions need to be dropped.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:25, 19 replies)

Good luck Spimf
It can be hard to shake off years of conditioning, but good luck in the new year.
( ascorbate, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:31, closed)

It looks like meeting your wife may have been the saving of you.
Good luck for the future.






Btw. Did you go to that big party in Dubai the other day? Was Kylie hot?
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:32, closed)

i love fireworks
i have never seen anything like it in my life

words cannot describe the spectacle.

to be fair i dont think kylie has got over shaking my hand a few years back - i felt it best not to rake over old coals.

:)
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:35, closed)

use skype and don't have sex on the beach in Dubai.
I'm glad things are working out for you.
( ExactlyHowLongDoIHaveToBeHere, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:38, closed)

Why not quit drinking altogether?
It's a waste of money anyway as it doesn't taste good or quench your thirst.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:39, closed)

Pfft!
Yeah right.
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:43, closed)

because i enjoy wine and good food
i like to cook - I'm told I am none to shady in the kitchen - I dont see why i should not be able to enjoy a drink. i just need to be able to live a life where other things are more important

i need to be aware how much i drink and know when it is making me act like a prick

the gym helps - excecise has honestly been great therapy especially if like me you have an addictive personality - you go 4 times a week - there is a gym and pool on he roof of my apartment so its not too hard to drag myself up there
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 22:27, closed)

I enjoy a good chocolate milk.

( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 23:07, closed)

Well done
My father was an alcoholic (actually, still is one) so I feel for you.

I hardly touch the stuff and have a very strong aversion to drunk people. I feel sorry for my hubby who is a lovely bloke when I freak out when he's drunk.

My bro, on the other hand, went a bit down that path. Not sure how's he faring nowadays but he turns into an evil shit when he drinks, that's for certain. Hope he sorts himself out like you have.

A 1000 times good luck to you, sir
x
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:42, closed)

That
is one of the most honest things I've ever read on this site.

I make no bones about it - I like a drink or three. But fortunately it doesn't do anything other than (a) make me giggly and stupid and (b) send me crashing off to sleep (we'll leave the small issue of liver damage out of things). But I have seen what it can do to people, my ex father in law being a case in point, having suffered a fatal alcohol-induced heart attack.

*Clicks like mad*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 21 Nov 2008, 20:21, closed)

hugs
we all understand
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 21:22, closed)

I really hope
it turns out all the best for you.

Oh, and great post...
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 21:38, closed)

Onya spimf
You are not your dad.

You are self aware, you care, and you are taking responsibility, empowering yourself, gaining authority over your life... and your kiddie will be proud to call you his Daddy.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 22:34, closed)

thank you so much WFF
and thanks to all of you

i was worried about posting this but you have all been great

i'll update you all in jan when team spimf get here

*wells up*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 22:42, closed)

OMG
Big hugs to you.

I know how much you are missing the Mrs Spimf and the little one with the hard to spell name, this must have been crushing!

I'm proud of you.

You love the little cute one too much to ever do anything bad to him. You'll get through.

xoxkittyxox
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 0:46, closed)

I admire your honesty sir,
and I too come from an alcoholic background through three or more generations. Sometimes, and I only speak for myself, the bitterness and frustration are only compounded by the drink, cutting that out completely did wonders for my outlook upon life. Good luck to you on your way forward
( slapdash flying through the cool clean air since, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 1:54, closed)

Shit man ...
took you 17 years to put a ring on her finger. Call the fuckin Vatican, we got a new contender for beatification.

Good luck on lack of alcohol and not gettin banged up for bangin.
(Que?, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 7:38, closed)

Reads this..
Dang! I'm so impressed you could listen to her, really hear what she had to say and do something about it instead of getting defensive. You're great.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 22 Nov 2008, 8:33, closed)

Huge amount of respect and hugs to you sir
The fact that you listened and the way you care for your family are proof that you're a good man - despite your father's efforts.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 17:20, closed)