My First Wet Dream, by Tourette's, aged 40 and two thirds
Those of you who know me are aware of how inept/shy/cack-handed I am in the bedroom department (other than sleeping - I excel at that). Our very own Wookiee kindly explained felching to me last Easter - the same weekend that Ethelred showed me meat-spin (on his trendy clever phone, not in the flesh, thank Cheezes). So I really didn't think I'd have anything to contribute to this week's question - until this afternoon.....

Having watched Twilight for the umpteenth time, I dozed off on the couch. Before I knew it, I was dreaming of Edward Cullen.
*Insert swoon*
He had entirely replaced my husband (set in the future, as the kitchen cupboards were looking really tatty and chipped). Much to my chagrin, my dream was only certified 12A. Hence there was no shagging or gropage, but plenty of snogging :o)

I awoke with a veritably fizzing clopper, my feelings a mixture of guilt and elation. Had I contravened my wedding vows? Heart still in erotic tachycardia, butterflies and moths in my stomach, I had the quickest ham shank (result in under a minute) then slunk off to the shower. As I shaved, I hoped that the guilt of my ellicit encounter would wash away down the plughole along with the love juice I'd generated with Edward.

DG knew something was up when he came home from work. My demeanor was more sheepish than my Graany's knitting bag. He knew I hadn't been anywhere, yet there I was, showered, shaved (even waxed me 'tache) hair & face done, perfume on, breathing in; the works.
"What have you done?", asks he, in the resigned yet patient tone he uses when it's obvious I've done something clungetastic. So, I poured him a glass of wine, waited 'til he was sat comfortably and confessed my sin. To which his response was, "Pfft! I thought you'd done something really serious, like broken one of my daleks!" He then proceeded to call me a "silly arse" and "gonk". Cracking husband, he is, I'm lucky to have him.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 19:15, 7 replies)

if i ever buy a pub
im calling it 'the fizzing clopper'
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 19:34, closed)

Ha ha :)
Yeah, coz that'd be so much classier than "The Frothing Gash" ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 24 Oct 2009, 0:53, closed)

Dirty girl : )

( girlinthehole, Fri 23 Oct 2009, 20:06, closed)

If anything shows that there is such a thing as a 'Marriage made in heaven'...

Then this is it.

My only hope is that some day I can worm my way into your dreams...

(Yours or DG's...I'm not fussed)

*Does 'Click Trick' (i.e - clicks without using hands)*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 20:30, closed)

*jiggles jubblies in appreciation*
Worm away, dear heart, worm 'til your heart's content; for I shall welcome thee with a frothing gash ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 24 Oct 2009, 0:58, closed)

Yes.
Yes, you are.

And he's very lucky as well.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 23 Oct 2009, 23:29, closed)

*smooshes*

( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 24 Oct 2009, 0:59, closed)