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This is a question Sexual fetishes

Rubber wetsuits. Knee-high boots. Nuclear-powered clockwork cucumbers. Dressing up as Pingu whilst reading out loud from the works of Dan Brown. What floats your boat? Or what fetishes have you encountered? Suggestion via crackhouseceilidhband.

(, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 13:25)
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This question is now closed.

I sincerely hope Mr Anodyne is turned on by women with manky hair and no make up who cough like a sailor with some kind of hideous foreign lung disease whilst snotting uncontrollably, otherwise I'm not getting any tonight.

I am actually ill and not just normally disgusting.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 20:05, Reply)
My cock gets so hard when its between a pair of stockinged legs. If Mrs Nancy Nylon isn't around to do the honours, then I'll dress up in her size 14's. Hope she doesn't go on a diet. Always does the trick.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 19:54, Reply)
you know
when your at the point in teenage life, somewhere between about 17 and 20 something (thats where I am anyway), I think everyone wants to diddle their best mates mum(or their older sister. I dont know what it is about older women that does it for me, it could be the dominating aspect of it, it could be because you hear that they've reached a 'sexual peak' in their lives or the sheer amount of porn online that makes me think that they will pay you in sexual favours to have their dishwasher fixed. I really dont have a clue...
For me though, there will always be something about walking down the street and seeing a complete and utter milf. She could have 7 kids and four shopping bags, completley worshipped by her over protective tatooed, window washing ape of a husband who she only married because he was ok at football in his 20's. You know she just sits at home waiting for the dishwasher repair man to turn up and fuck her till she screams. Honestly gentlemen, without a show of a doubt, my dick probably holds a world record in land speed and it seems to get up quicker than a cheeter after its prey in the african savana.
I fancy a wank now. Good day
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 19:43, Reply)
Why oh why,
are all the ladys who have wet silk knickers, penchants for being tied up and dominated all married? God. Selfish or what?
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 18:27, 16 replies)
Toilet fun?
A friend of mine once recounted this abridged tale of horror. Going into a gents and finding a grotty old chap running croutons around the inside of the urinals then eating them was, apparently, not what was expected. I reckon he was after the pineapple chunks. I don't want to think about the philadelphia substitute.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 17:26, 2 replies)
imagine my disapointment
I just found an envelope with £200 written on it. There is only £190 in it. Theiving bastards.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 17:10, 4 replies)
Denim dresses
... you know, the one piece, zip all the way up front, denim dresses. I had a bird once that had a body like a princess, hourglass and all, and had one of these dresses. One night, we were out in my onion (well, 'twas before midnight so it was still a chariot) and she asked me to pull over and park the thing.

Just as some background, I was a pimple faced little bugger, randy as hell, and had just started being the envy of all my class mates since she was considered as being unreachable to all of us simple minions. Nay, this deity was off limits to all us petty mortals. May a curse be cast over anyone who would dare even think, lest alone approach, of doing anything to this heavenly being.

Being a dark and stormy night, we pulled over, got somewhat confortable (snogging was allowed, anything else was only a wet dream..), when all of a sudden, she starts teasing, lowering the zipper, slowly, excruciatingly, stopping mid way between her breasts..looking at me with this mischevious little smile and asking me how I felt in her angelical girlish little soprano voice, to which I responded to with a baritone/tenor grunt, slurp and 'hurr, scrumpf, bluaaad' stupor.

She carried on drawing the zipper, lowering it 'til she had revealed her pair of smooth, firm pears, with her cherry picked nipples pointing straight at me, invitingly, as if they were parched and required refresing...

After complying with my heavenly princess' tits whim, she carried on drawing, not allowing a meat handed mortal bumble around her holy veil, down, down, until I was able to see, only just, the vestige of her nubile womanhood, uncovered, naked, sans réticents, darkly shaded against her olive skin, beckoning towards me, akin to the fabled Medusa, whose pubis sporting a modest amount of hair, laid down, invitingly as if 'twas a wooly carpet summoning the entrance to a prémiére...

Further on, down, down, followed the zipper its inexorable path, towards its Shangri-La, its Olympus, its Heaven, its Asgard, until the dress opened apart, like a silken cloth, like the Red Sea opening before Moses' wishes, and I had my angel before me, just as the Lord had sent her to this unfathomable world. Pure, smooth, slender, with a body as perfect that Michaelangelo or Botticelli would have been challenged to do it justice..

God, I could just go on and on, but I think ye bods have figured it out. Whenever I see a lass, dressed up in a zipped denim dress, my gonads start misbehaving and I cast myself back, back into the rear seat of my car... Worst part is that from there on, whenever she put that dress on, she owned me. Completely. I would instantly know that there was nothing underneath, so I wold start getting aroused in front of her parents, who, bless them, had no idea of what we were getting up to :-)

My dearest apologies for the length of the story, but just saying that I roar up with a dress would not be doing justice to what this lass (God bless) and dress did to me. Well, 'tis time for me to go - I'm up for a wank after writing all this...
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 17:03, 29 replies)
I heard
of this man who liked knocking one out over a tea bag.

No pun.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 17:02, 1 reply)
I heard
about a guy who could only really get off, if he had sex whilst inside a bin liner, with a canary fluttering around inside it.

How the fuck did he find that out?
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 16:59, 3 replies)
the titanic floats my boat
sorry -that was really lame.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 16:59, Reply)
Tom Boys...
You know the really feminine women wearing guys clothes.
Riding clothes, especially if it's the red fox hunting type.

Oh and women in hats, especially cowboy hats. I bought the wife one a few years back. She took it back and swapped it for a bag.

(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 16:58, Reply)
Just thought of this one
Welsh girls. I started a new job today and there's a Welsh girl in the office. I spent the morning with an absolute raging horn, which just got worse when she found out I know a bit of Welsh and we had a little conversation over coffee. I was practically bent double by the time I got back to my desk.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 15:40, 10 replies)
Long fingernails
I was about 5 years old when I got 'imprinted' (yup, that's the clinical term). I was watching the 3 Stooges (for our British viewers the 3 Stooges were the absolute lowest common denominator of slapstick humor; sorry humour). The Stooges were captured by 3 amazons who announced they were going to, "love them to death." And, wait for it, when the amazons turned around they were wearing long, extraordinarily fake fingernails. This was the most amazing, erotic thing I had ever seen in all of my five years on this planet and I immediately popped the first woody of my life.

That was it. Ever since I have been aroused by long fingernails (though in later years even shorter but well-manicured nails will do). Mrs. Mad Scientist keeps her nails longish and painted blood red and I couldn't be happier (so remember kids, always tell your significant other about any fetishes you may have so that your relationships have half a chance of working).

Thanks to the interwebs I've discovered that I'm not alone. There's at least 35,000 of us 'nail fetishists' out there. And we all seem to have been imprinted at an early age. Indeed, my research on the subject seems to indicate that the stronger the libido the earlier the imprinting (of whatever your fetish).
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 14:56, 2 replies)
Double Amputee... :0$
When I was a young lad of 17 I worked in a record shop. Two of the guys that I worked with knew a hot lass in her late 20's who came in every once in a while, she was fit as, beautiful arse always draped in the tightest light blue Levis... Anyways, neither of them had even copped of with her so I didn't stand any chance right?

Wrong... So, so wrong. She liked boys and I fitted the bill perfectly, being freshly out of puberty with nary a whisker upon my baby like cheeks. One night she arrived late, near closing, and a few of us headed out for drinks, which resulted in us drinking and the banter slipping way under the belt.

What the lads knew and I didn't until about midnight was that she had no legs. Well, about 2/3 of one if you add the stump lengths together... and she liked them to be fondled and smacked pre, mid and post coitus, which the boys were, and still are, blissfully unaware of ;0)

I haven't met anyone like her since and if I did, do I slap her stumps or ask first..? She was all the woman a boy could need. Happy Fucking Days!
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 14:22, 4 replies)
My fetish is mainly for holly. I always get that jolly christmas feel everytime i think about fucking some more holly

Well it was around that time that they caught me


(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 13:45, 1 reply)
Just had a working lunch with a client in a poncy gastro pub in Somers Town
Was pretty damn hard to concentrate on account of this client being fit as fuck and wearing the sort of low cut, push out clevage business suit that plunged down to just above her nipple line. It was like catching a brief, naughty, sexy glimpse at a couple of copulating pink watermelons spilling out of a bag.

Anyway, towards the end of the meeting I let out a sudden and incredibly violent sneeze. And - to my utter horror - I managed to project a fair bit of phlegm in the direction my nose was pointing: right onto these magnificent orbs of fleshy wonder.

While she's busy patting herself down telling me not to worry about it my mouth engages before my brain gets a chance to intervene. Now, I blame this QOTW... A whole week of reading about complete and utter filth...

Jokingly, I say: "I'm sure you've had worse than that on those in your time."

Didn't go down too well. Hope my boss doesn't hear about it. God, this QOTW's gotta end soon before I'm handed my P45 or get arrested for gross indecency, or worse still, accidentally fuck a fat bird.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 13:26, 6 replies)
The Onion has been here, amusingly enough
Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 13:20, Reply)
Mrs Vagabond and I were in Hamster Jam, and dipped into a sex shop
We were laughing at the DVDs, and retching at the one entitled (and illustrated) "Period Lovers", and she found a golden showers one which she pointed out to laugh at.

As if by magic - proper Mr Benn stuff, this - the shopkeeper appeared; an Asian-looking gentleman replete with fez and bizarre moustache. He put his face right up to Mrs Vagabond and enquired long, wheezingly and Sid James pervertedly "Yew like the peeeessse?!"

Mrs Vagabond informed him that it wasn't really her sort of thing actually, thanks, and we left.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 12:28, 3 replies)
....oh yeah, nothing does it more than a nice lump of Tesco value sexual fetta-cheese.

(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 11:22, Reply)
Phwoar. There's nothing that gets me going quite like the sight of a nice, plump, ripe aubergine.
Also there's nothing sexier than a man playing jazz on a muted trumped. If I ever see a man playing a trumpet and using an aubergine as a mute, I'll cream my pants right there and then for sure.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 11:14, 3 replies)
I've been in a submissive relationship for a while now.
It all started when he suddenly moved in (long story), as soon as we first met and I looked into his eyes I've been unable to stop myself doing whatever he desires. I cook, clean and shop for him and keep him entertained on demand. The only trouble is he's a bit of a dirty bugger, into pissing and shitting everywhere and having me clean it up.

Many times I've had him lying on the bed when I see that mischevious glint in his eye and experience a mounting sense of dread. You see, I know this means I'll soon see the nose of his brown trout sniffing the air before making its majestic leap onto the bedcovers and I'm the one who has to clean it up.

If that wasn't enough, sometimes he'll decide to unleash his golden fountain all over me while laughing like he's just seen Kerry Katona being bummed to death using a selection of Iceland finest frozen produce, again leaving me to deal with the mess.

The relationship has only been going on 6 months but already its changed my life. Sometimes its exhilarating, sometimes it drives me to the pits of despair. There is one thing that gets me through the dark times though, the thought that the little bugger will have to do the same for me when I'm eighty.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 9:49, 5 replies)
I think that a B3ta 'I'm a filthy pervert and proud of it' badge is needed.

(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 9:28, 3 replies)
Clinical trials.
I used to scream at the sight of needles, panic and try to run away. Then I realised that I quite liked laying in a hospital bed being poked and prodded and told what to do by sexy nurses, so I signed up to do clinical trials. So now, at every opportunity, i'm laying on a hospital bed getting (yep you guessed it) poked and prodded and told what to do by sexy nurses! The best bit of all? They're paying me!
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 9:23, Reply)
My sexual fetishes:

Oh yeah, look at her, below the pricetag. Filthy minx.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 9:16, Reply)
I despise people with hat fetishes.
If I ever meet one, I'll pop a cap in their ass.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 9:04, 1 reply)
I'm kinda going out on a limb here, but...
... Does anyone else think that Pyramid Head from Silent Hill is hot?



Well, I'd best get back to lurking then!
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 5:27, 4 replies)
Really hot underwear. Mmmmmn

Well It's not exactly a fetish.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 5:04, 7 replies)
doesn't allow me to have fetishes.
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 4:25, 3 replies)
just had a look at 'is she filthy'
this made me laugh

vaugely unsafe for work
(, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 1:31, 2 replies)

This question is now closed.

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