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This is a question Filth!

Enzyme says: Tell us your tales of grot, grime, dirt, detritus and mess

(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 13:04)
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Time for a cheeky pea regarding filth!!
*****wavy lines*****
2 years ago this story took place, and what a torrid time it was too!!

I had backache, and a lump on my right bollock, and nothing eased the pain (the doctors were failing to diagnose me properly but that stories been done) i started with paracetamol, no change, codiene, nothing, Tramadol, nada, zilch zero nothing. Then came the eventual diagnosis....a rather nasty and aggressive dose of cancer....fucksocks!! Well it turned out the backache was caused by the spread of the cancer into my lymph nodes in my abdomen which in turn were pressing on my spine, causing said pain. Anyway, to combat the pain I was introduced to Morphine, both slow release 12hr tablets with oramorph liquid in between as top ups. Now one of the side effects of morphine in the quantities i was taking, apart from being totally spaced out and seeing things, was constipation.....proper didnt shit for 3 weeks constipation....and the more i didnt shit, the more my bowel grew, pressing further on the tumours, in turn pressing harder on my spine, increasing the pain and taking more morphine to combat it...ad infinitum....see a pattern emerging here??

Eventually the doctors listened to me and gave me an examination properly, fecal impaction with 2 possible outcomes.

1. Take a shit and feel better
2. Dont take a shit, burst my bowel, become badly infected and probably die

I decided that dropping the kids off at the pool was probably a good idea but i just couldnt go..at all....i was blocked solid....enter my friend the anal suppository! (inserted by a rather attractive nurse i must add). What followed stripped me of any semblance of dignity i may of been holding onto during the build up to chemo. Suppository inserted with instructions to hold on at least 5 minutes before visiting the hospital bathroom 30 yards down the hall (did i mention i hadnt checked where the toilet was beforehand, or whether it was free?). So i laid in my hospital bed and waited :-

one minute....a little light gurgling in my anal tract
two minutes....this gurgling is intense (nurse returns with small cardoard tray that sits inside the toilet for me to shit into so they can check what i have passed)
Three minutes....toes curling, chocolate starfish in spasm
Four minutes....gotta get to toilet....quick...fucking quick!!
Five minutes....race down hall in blind panic trying to find an empty room for a shit...luck is on my side as the second one is free, i hurl myself in throwing the cardboard thing in the pan ready as my arse dances the foxtrot and my guts spasm, finally i turn to seat myself but not quick enough.....VESUVIUS erupts out of my arse at mach 10 and three weeks worth of food sprays forth as i lower myself. the first blast sprays the toilet cistern, the wall and most of the back of my legs. the second convulsive expulsion makes it into the cardoard tray only to bounce back out and spray me up the back and cover what is left of the toilet room!
I sat there for what felt like 20 minutes endlessly shitting and gone past caring where it was going before ringing the bell and requesting some nurse assistance. The attractive nurse came back! the shame was written on my face (well the bits of my face that werent covered in liquid shit)....her face was covered in shock, shock and awe that one person could cause so much damage and degredation with just one shit!
I was helped into an adjacent cubicle and showered off for half an hour and in the meantime a cleaning crew were called (after "biohazard" tapes were put up stopping entry into the toilet).
The last thing i saw before sleep mercifully took me in its warm embrace was a team of 3 cleaners in chemical suits and face masks entering the toilet...poor fuckers.

Thankfully the cancer was treated well and i am now in remission. and thats my story of the horrors of morphine!!!

Length?? none whatsoever, it was all liquid!
(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 19:05, 10 replies)

A gigantic shit and a cancer survival? Clicked to fuck.
(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 19:19, closed)
^What titwank said^

(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 19:45, closed)
That proper made me giggle
so ^that^ up there.
(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 22:54, closed)
oh god, morphine.
a friend of mine who is also acquainted of it describes it as 'shitting a block of foam rubber'. she's not wrong.
(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 20:15, closed)
well played that man
(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 22:30, closed)
slow release morphine
I house sat for a friend recently and found his 'special' drug box, all prescription drugs that contained some slow release morphine as well as tramadols,xanax and valium. I popped a few morphines and drank a gut full of booze and felt extremely woosy. Puked for the next 24 hours as the morphine reacted with the alcohol. Called my brother who is a paramedic to take me to hospital...It was fucking awful, i'd make a terrible junky and also lucky I didnt die.
(, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 1:05, closed)
Ok, if this ever happens again....
this is what we do when junkies are constipated: Take a pea sized dab of petroleum jelly. Roll it into a ball. Then, roll it in sugar to keep it from sticking to anything.
Bung it in the freezer on waxed paper. After they are frozen, keep in a sealed container in the freezer until use.

Take 1-2 every 12 hours until a shit happens. Not to exceed 8 in 48 hours.

there...my international civic duty is done for the day.
(, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 2:12, closed)
Who needs an excuse to eat Vaseline?

(, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 10:39, closed)

Or you could just buy some medicinal paraffin from the chemists.
(, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 14:50, closed)
fucking hell
I've read your post before and it sure as hell hasn't lost any of its humor. classic b3ta material.
(, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 10:20, closed)

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