One day when I was twelve
was an absolute bonanza of naughtiness. I was bumming about the house, my aunt and uncle I was staying with were out, doing something daft that kids too like counting in my head or seeing how long I could hold my breath, 'cause I was that bored. I caught my sister practising kissing in her room, but that wasn't really rude 'cause she was alone. She still told me to bugger off out of it. I wandered down to the quarry - a scary place when you're a kid - and got caught by a bunch of bigger kids who made me go down into the quarry to steal a dirty magazine from the tramp who lived there. First and only time I've found porn lying around...well, not lying around as such. The bastards woke the dosser up by throwing stones at his hut though, and I had to run and hide.
Creeping back through the bushes, I think I found a skeleton, but I also came across a man and a woman. They were lying on top of each other and the man was hurting her, so I told him to leave her alone, but they just laughed. The woman leant over and showed me her breasts, and I ran off. Then the big kids caught me and stole the jazz mag off me - I never even got to look at it.
Then later that night I heard my aunt and uncle in their bedroom, saying things I didn't understand. Sneaking to the bathroom, I caught a glimpse of my aunt tied up on the floor, which was weird and scary. Not to mention the fact that I found out that day that the real reason my dad was in prison was for nicking knickers off washing lines.
To be honest, I think you can see why I ended up in a mental institution so many times, and am literally smoking myself to death.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:29, 17 replies)

Oh, come on,
we've all been through this, at some point.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:33, closed)

you just need to man the fuck up, man.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:37, closed)

I'm manlier than you are.
I even shagged a lesbian once. Is that a record? Plus I totally had sex with Alec Holland's wife.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:50, closed)

Swamp Thing?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:53, closed)

*banjo solo*

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:56, closed)

Hah!

(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 12 Aug 2011, 12:14, closed)

Nah, she wasn't that bad looking.
You know, for a lesbian.

Oh! You mean the Alec Holland bit! Well, yes, but in my defence it wasn't entirely my decision.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:57, closed)

you are paof2 AICMFP.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:54, closed)

Yes, I was definitely angling for an AICMFP with this whole post...
Not that one though.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 11:58, closed)

You owe me £5
AICMFP
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 13:35, closed)

You are John Constantine
and i claim my five sounds.
(stevkay, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 12:56, closed)

I can't believe I spotted Swamp Thing
and still didn't get it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 12:58, closed)

THE COMIC NERDS! THE COMIC NERDS ARE EVERYWHERE!

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 13:09, closed)

'Fraid so.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 13:09, closed)

Actually, I hate comics.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 18:14, closed)

1) "Burping armadillo"
2) "Cat with hairdryer"
3) "Contrail with retching"
4) "Projectile leprosy, fingers, tin wall"
5) "Eddie Murphy's career synthesised on string and hair, dim."
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 18:11, closed)

Huh huh
Bumming, you said bumming.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 14 Aug 2011, 23:56, closed)