self-warming banana dicklick
i saw it by the till. it looked interesting. so i bought it.

later on that evening, the then bf was round for the night. he lay back, i poured the oil liberally all over my hands and leaned down to rub it all over him. he gasped and moaned. i bent down and began slowly and teasingly to lick it off. he gasped again. and moaned again. not quite so happily, though. then he wriggled.

"it's a bit... hot," he said. duh. it was self-warming oil. i pointed this out, and carried on. by this point he was writhing hard, and by this point, that was the only thing that was hard.

eventually he sat upright. "but it stings !" he said plaintively.

i told him that it was meant to be sexy and that he was ruining the mood. and he said, fine, you try it! he poured it liberally over his hands and pushed me back onto the duvet, smoothing it all over my thighs... not so bad... then higher up... and the rest.

about 30 seconds later i was in a very very cold shower. i've never moved so fast, not even in the mulberry sale. it was like having a million fire ants crawling all over my crotch. on fire.

banana dicklick? don't ever do it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 23:27, 6 replies)

Same with
Durex play tingle... it doesn't tingle so much as pinrick millions and millions of times... most definitely not for the tradesman's entrance
(timewarper, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 23:58, closed)

I second this!
It's almost as bad as using head & shoulders menthol as wanking lube... not that I've ever tried that *whistles*

Now, Durex 'O' on the other hand...
(suicidalducky has too much time on his hands, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 4:41, closed)

hmm...
I liked the Durex tingle...
That's a worry...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 11:19, closed)

^Same here...
[slinks away to buy pins]
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 12:16, closed)

Well
that's finished me off.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 2:15, closed)

Woooahhhh
your sex is on fiiiire. Bindun?
(berk, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 11:31, closed)