advice more women should listen to
he's NOT sorry
he WILL hit you again
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:33, 33 replies)

also
it was NOT your fault he hit you.

Unless of course it actually was in self defence, in which case you both need to CALM THE FUCK DOWN and do more talking less hitting.

But usually it's the top one.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:36, closed)

yep
given this advice a few times, nobody ever listens to it.
"but he loves me, i know he does!"
yeah, right
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:43, closed)

This is equally true for people of both genders, no?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:39, closed)

of course
but i've never yet met a man who's been beaten up by his wife on a regular basis
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:43, closed)

I have.
It was just as unpleasant, and he put up with it because he didn't feel he could talk to anyone - after all, what do most people think of a man who gets beaten up by his wife? - and it's just as wrong.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:46, closed)

therein lies the problem
those women who do decide to get out have places to go and people to turn to. they know this because women talk about things like this. a man in the same situation is likely to be very alone and not know who to turn to for help. fuck feeling emasculated, get out!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:51, closed)

Why are the guys trapped?
Is it money as it often seems (to me at least) o be with women? Is it access to kids?
I'd buy a jock-strap, a box and a video camera in that position.
Are people trapped by physical abuse this century?
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:35, closed)

same reasons as why the women feel trapped, i would imagine
i can't give a definitive answer to this, i've never been in that situation and i'm not male. the point is was making is that women are far more likely to talk to someone about these problems, thus gaining help and support.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:40, closed)

It happens...
It happens more than you might think, and it goes _almost_ entirely unreported.
Partly because no bloke wants it noised around that he got beaten by a woman. Partly because a man reporting it is assumed to be lying.
Partly because any man who defends himself physically is acused of being the agressor.

Please don't just think "yeah, but women have it worse!" try to ignore the genders and just focus on getting the victim out from under.

(example texts)
www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1076854.ece

www.independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/johann-hari/now-men-are-the-silent-victims-of-domestic-violence-584435.html
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:57, closed)

i know it happens
being an abusive cunt is not gender-specific. it's just that i have either never met a man who has been in this situation, or i have and they've hidden it very well
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:05, closed)

Hello. I was beaten up by a (very ex) girlfriend on a regular basis.
And now you have met me.

I'm not kidding. Every argument she started (and there were many) would end up with her thumping me, while I stood and took it because I couldn't hit her back, but I didn't know what else to do. Her spurious justification was that I'd thumped her once while too drunk to remember; it too me far to long to realise that since truth and honesty were strangers to her, this might have been some sort of fabrication.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:27, closed)

glad she's your ex
as a woman, i'll say this to any and every man: hitting a woman is wrong, but so is hitting a man. if she's laying into you, she obviously doesn't give a fuck about right and wrong, so thump her back. self-defence is ALLOWED
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:31, closed)

Or just fucking leave!
Seriously, if you're in love and it's their first and only time they'll let you go out of guilt -- if not then leave and tell your freinds they're abusive.
Stop pussyfooting people!
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:00, closed)

Unfortunately, I can't agree
Unless you have dozens of sober witnesses to say you were provoked beyond reason...and even then half of them will vilify you for being a lass-basher. And if you don't have the witnesses...you're fucked. No way is anybody going to take your side...maybe the two or three people who know you best, but what use are they when the angry mob comes knocking? No, the best course of action is the same at it is for women in that situation..get the hell out.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:08, closed)

infuriating, isn't it?
sexual stereotyping and mob mentality mean you're damned if you don't and you're damned if you do.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:12, closed)

I'd add to that a little.
If you must try to believe that they won't hit you/cheat/drink/gamble your life savings/* again then at least plan for the possibility they may be lying.
I do think it is possible for people to change -- but they should not be trusted until they have earned it.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:43, closed)

exactly.
fool me once, shame on me. fool me twice, run like fuck because i WILL kick your head in
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:44, closed)

I thought I should allow for change.
A big factor is how he/she deals with it too.
If they tell you not to tell but don't allow you to have your own money, for example, then go.
If they love you they'll be sorry, understand the problem, and earn your trust.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:29, closed)

it is possible to change and be genuinely sorry
but if it happened to me, i don't think i'd ever trust him again
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:32, closed)

Luckily, my mum got out of one of these relationships...
but not until after he had picked me up and thrown me across the room as a 12 year old for fidgeting, and knocked out two of her teeth, etc...
( MrSanity has maybe kicked the WoW habit forever, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:07, closed)

bloody hell, that's rough
but at least she did get out
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:16, closed)

I can't understand why anyone
with children would stay in an abusive relationship. Any answers anyone?

I mean I don't understand abusive relationships at all, but can see how prior abuse/low selfesteem might kick in, but how could anyone stay if they had kids?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:41, closed)

i know a woman in this situation
her partner would beat her so badly, she miscarried twice. this didn't stop them having 8 kids. he never worked, never contributed anything, but her reasoning was always "the kids need their dad".
after her put her in hospital for the fourth time, she actually married him. i stopped trying to give her advice.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:48, closed)

sometimes..
You stay because you already think that the bad treatment is what you deserve.
Or because the kids are little so you are financially dependant on him because you can't work yet. Or because when they're not hitting you, they are reasonable(ish) people, or funny and sociable, or they pay when you go out, which means you can actually go out, as babysitters are expensive etc.. Or leaving means admitting failure to your family, because your Mum warned you about him..
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:19, closed)

i don't really know what her reasons were
she said she didn't deserve to be treated like that, he was financially dependent on her, four of the kids weren't his, she worked from home, he was a cunt to everyone and talked to anyone he saw like shit and she hadn't spoken to her family since about 4 years before she met him. she must have had a reason, i just don't know what it was.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:28, closed)

Thankfully
I realised this after a short 18 months. If I didn't have the inner strength to kick the fucker out it may have turned into a lifetime.
A leopard doesn't change it's spots. As me ma likes to say.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:25, closed)

my advice to friends has always been
if he hits you and you leave him, i'll be there for you. if you go back to him and he does it again, ask someone else for help.
i know that's harsh, but 3 years of trying to help a dear friend who was eventually killed have made me less inclined to repeat advice that isn't listened to
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:32, closed)

Mine was more the smash everything
up pull out a knife and psychologically threaten kinda guy. It's not harsh. I read your story the other week. I felt so sorry for you feeling guilty not being able to help. It's not anything anyone can do anything about except the person in the situation. No matter what my friends said the emotional blackmail made me stay longer than I should. The most dangerous time for any woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves. So don't feel bad. I'm sure your friend knew you were there for her. x
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:39, closed)

thanks
:)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:42, closed)

Yes
If a man hits you, then says "sorry babe I just lost my temper, it wont happen again"
Run like fuck.
I ignored that advice from friends for a long time
I really thought it was a one off, but sadly turned out not to be so.
Till the day I actually hit him with a pan, I know its a comic image, but actually spanging someone with a pan isnt as funny as its written down.
Blood spurts and then you have drag the sorry excuse for a man outside.
And then pray that he is going to slink off home and not go postal on you
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:20, closed)

classic b3ta revenge
and he was clearly asking for it
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 23:46, closed)

I know someone who was hit by a woman - its abuse, deadly abuse and not recognised
Christ this guy lost contact with both his kids because of it and the ex-wife used the system to turn it into him being the abuser. He's still fucked up about it and will never sort it out because he's not strong enough.
I'm all for women reporting abuse but men should have their rights as well. They don't in divorces ! Men seem to lose out in divorces so much. another topic that is close to me, sorry !
( Tiggy the diver, Fri 21 May 2010, 0:10, closed)

don't be sorry
it's a fucked up system. the only good thing is that the kids will hopefully know he wasn't to blame and will seek him out when they're older
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 21 May 2010, 0:32, closed)