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This is a question Guilty Pleasures, part 2

It's been a while since we last asked this question and CaptainFellatioNelson's confession that he likes "to fart under the duvet, creep in and see how long I can last only on the fart air contained within" reminded us just how good it was last time.

What are the little things you do for fun when nobody else is around?

(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:48)
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Another Pleasure
Is reading, or hearing, an obscure gag and burying it away in the depths of my head awaiting the perfect moment to trot it out.

I waited almost three years before I had the chance to use one.

I was driving around London with Scotty, a mate of mine, when we passed a Lebanese restaurant and he asked if I'd ever tried Lebanese food.

"Aye. It gives me the Shi-ites"

It's an old joke now but it was shiny back then.

I've a few Dave Allen classics sitting in my head now, straining at the leash to get out. Dave Allen is now obscure enough that a lot of people, especially the kids, won't have heard of him or his material. His time will come.

It's the same with a lot of the older comedians. Bob Monkhouse had millions of class jokes. Leonard Rossiter was a brilliant gag writer as was Michael Bentine of the Goons.

They say there are no new jokes and, to a large extent, that's true. Pretty much all jokes are just rewording and updating old classics but thats where the fun lies.

I was once mocked to within an inch of my life in my local when I claimed to know over 50 000 jokes. To be honest, I think 50k may be on the low side.

So my guilty pleasure is in reading old masters classic gags, updating them, and passing them off as my own. So I'll leave you with a Dave Allen classic.

"For years I thought that the priest at funerals was a callous cunt. There I was, aged 6, watching the funeral of my beloved grandad when the priest said:

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and into the hole-he-goes....."

It's the way I tell 'em

(, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 23:27, 11 replies)
Ah, zat eez a vair nayce deurg
Grr, grr

Zank you monsieur

Does your deurg bayte?

Non monsieur

Grrr, snap, grrr, snap snap, grrrrrr

Aaargh, ah thought you sayd your deurg deed not bayte?

Ah monsieur, zat eez nayt mah deurg
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 0:05, closed)
Do you mean that you sometimes use made up stories in order to tell jokes?!

But I bet you don't do that on qotw.


More Dave Allen! He was chuffing ace!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 0:16, closed)
Fake foreign accents. I can't do accents to save my life but one phrase just cracks me up.

My mate K set me off in the pub by pronouncing Hob-Nobs in a Swedish accent.


Even now, I can get the giggles when he just texts me that...

And Chickenlady? Even in real life I often use old jokes if someone gives me a feed line. A case in point was my ex-wife. This really happened. She was in the bathroom and wailed:

"I'm old and I'm fat and I'm ugly! - Say something nice about me.."

"Your fucking eyesights spot on" I growled.

Yup, it's an old joke, and no I didn't make it up, but I still used it when a suitable occasion arose.

Other old lines I've used are:

"You know what I love about you? - Fuck all"

"When I want your opinion I'll give it to you"

"I never knew what happiness was until I married you and now it's too late.."

And many more.

(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 1:51, closed)
Uncle Bob
total genius, but a real rip-off merchant with other people's material. Apparently other comics used to call him 'the thief of bad-gags'
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 6:05, closed)
One I used on a similar theme (and similarly borrowed from Giles out of Buffy, of all people) is:

"When I want your opinion, I'll, er..." *pause* "...actually, I'll never want your opinion."

It worked a treat on my ex-girlfriend's bitch harridan of a best mate.

Dave Allen FTW
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 6:58, closed)
Well Buffy Had Some Ace Lines
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?

Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 7:21, closed)
Bob Monkhouse:
"People laughed when I said wanted to be a comedian - well, they're not laughing now!"
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 8:59, closed)
Michael Bentine's Potty Time...

Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that particular programme was just Michael Bentine twatting about...No potties whatsoever...

Also, someone said to me recently:

"You know what I hate most about you? - The top half"

Regarding the above stellar list of genius comedy exponents (including your good self, Legless)...I can't remember who said it but I think it applies:

"There are no old jokes, no new jokes, no 'alternative' comedy, no 'blue' comedy...it's either funny, or it's not funny"

'nuff said
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 9:07, closed)
Huuurb Nuuuurbs
Hang on, that's Geordie isn't it, not Swedish?

Oh, I see...

Buffy quotes? God, so many...
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 11:18, closed)
there are 5 levels of drinking
has lots of quotable glee, and hell yes to Dave Allen, one of my favourites is from Alexie Sayle

"cats aren't clean, cats are covered in catspit"

whack it down a cog, give it handfull, raand the raandabaaht
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 12:45, closed)
Scandinavian Biscuits
re Huuurbb-Nuurrbbs - that was a silly night for silly people. Haven't been that spackered for at least a week.

*cannot for the life of me remember where that line is from.
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 13:08, closed)

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