How I was violated in the sauna
Once upon a time I was a wannabe fitness fanatic. Incidentally this was prior to my love affair of lounging in bed, eating KFC, reading QOTW whilst simultaneously undoing the button of my size 16 trousers. During this time I joined one of those hideously expensive chain gyms which we shall call Total Madness for the purpose of this story.

I immediately allowed the lunacy of the cavernous air conditioned spaceship to permeate my very being. I desperately wanted to be one of them. Those lycra clad expertly made up women swishing away on the cross trainer for 2 hours without breaking a sweat. I even bought new gym gear: powder blue ladies Reebok jogging bottoms and sporty vest.

Every morning I set my alarm clock for 5.30, struggled out of the bed. Donned my new expensive designer sweat sacks and staggered barely awake to my car. I drove the 2 miles to the shiny glass and steel fitness warehouse. I joined the surprisingly large number of BMW driving, Johnsons dry cleaning suit bag carrying, spikey haired overpaid sales executives and middle managers, and trudged, trying to look like I belonged (as much as a dumpy blonde secretary can) to the changing rooms.

I would then emerge from the bowels of the changing rooms, up the spiral staircase to the upper realms of the dance music booming posing paradise. I would follow my program, masterfully devised by my trainer of 10 minutes on the cross trainer, 10 minutes on the bike, 10 minutes on the treadmill. This was going to turn me into a supermodel. It would allow me to be one of them. One of those orange, perfectly preened, large bicepped femme fatales I aspired to be.

One particularly grey and drizzly morning I arrived in the car park and realised I could not face my daily torment of low level exercise. I decided, in my wisdom, to use the other leisure facilities. Namely the sauna. The soothing heat would melt away my winter blues leaving me invigorated and raring to go work.

Donning my swimming costume and taking my towel I sauntered through the pool bound door of the changing rooms and made my way down the corridor of neutral coloured wonderment to the sauna. I opened the door, the soothing heat causing my tense shoulders to relax. I picked a seat on the upper level, where it would be hottest to flush out the most toxins. After a few minutes I feel the beginings of sleep start to wash over me. A nice warm nap in the sauna begins to appeal so i lie down fully on top of my towel.

Through the warm sleep fuggy haze I am vaguely aware that someone else has entered the sauna. I realise my mouth is open so keeping my eyes closed I try to appear as if I wasn't asleep. Slowly consciousness returns and I open my eyes slightly and roll onto my side. Imagine my surprise to see a wiry old lady with long curly pubes crotch flossing with her towel in front of me.

I sit bolt upright: my mind flounders what to do.

"Oooh it's nice to get warm in here" she says whilst whizzing the towel at high speeds through her hairy spam purse. "Mmm" I reply non commitally trying to avert my eyes from the ever increasing in speed towel masturbation session unfolding in front of me. I become increasingly aware of her lack of effort in drying any other region of her body.

I decide that it's time to make a move. "Right," I say in what I hope sounds like a mature and assertive way "I better get to work". I step down from my second tier sauna perch and move towards the door. The pervy old lesbian makes no effort to move out of my way. "Excuse me," I say smiling pathetically "may I get past?".

The old lady now has a far away and glazed look in her eyes, like a dog in a leg humping session, and continues oblivious to my discomfort to saw away at her rancid mary hinge with the towel. I'm now starting to get worried so attempt to place my hand on her arm to move her to enable me to get out of the door. The crazy old bint turns as I put my hand forward so it lands on her droopy old pancake boob. I leapt, with now a sense of positive urgency, to the glass tinted door and wrench it open. Only to see two of the designer cozzie clad babes staring at me in open mouthed horror.

It dawns on me that to them all they have witnessed, due to the tinted glass, is me pawing a crazing mastubating old lesbo on the tit. I am sweaty and flustered due to the excessive amount of time in the sauna. It looks as if I'm a lesbian geriophile.

I start to stutter an explanation but I'm left like a fish out of water, I realise any explanation would sound even less believable. I instead opt of half running back to the changing rooms, donning my work gear and leaving the place at breakneck speeds.

I never did go back. Instead I choose eating KFC and reading QOTW.
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 23:14, 11 replies)

Half SpankyHanky, half Rachelswipe
And a click for the KFC honesty.
( Ghoti Fingers, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 23:44, closed)

I'm touched
That praise brought a tear to my eye.
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Sat 11 Jul 2009, 13:11, closed)

if this doesn't win...
i demand a recount.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Sat 11 Jul 2009, 6:13, closed)

I like it
I like it a lot.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sat 11 Jul 2009, 11:44, closed)

Clicked
for 'spam purse'.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 11 Jul 2009, 12:13, closed)

And another
For Mary Hinge.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 13 Jul 2009, 11:52, closed)

Aww shucks
Hopefully not a bad attempt from a lurker :D
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Sat 11 Jul 2009, 13:12, closed)

Lesbian geriophile
yes, that's exactly what you are m'dear a lesbian geriophile.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Mon 13 Jul 2009, 11:00, closed)

This is bloody marvellous!
Ha! Love it lots n lots n lots! click!
( SpankyHanky, Mon 13 Jul 2009, 15:48, closed)

How nicely written.
A much-deserved click from me.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 14 Jul 2009, 15:38, closed)

I concur
A hilarious tale, superbly written. A tour de force - unscrolldownable.


Monty Boyce, QOTW.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 15 Jul 2009, 13:21, closed)