Just think of the size of the sting!...

I remember I was just 9 years old, and at the time was fully immersed in my standard pastime of playing silly-buggers in my room on my own, (as I had no friends). So there I was, slap-bang in the middle of a particularly detailed and intense fantasy of deploying both Airwolf and K.I.T.T to destroy the Death Star, when my attention was suddenly hoofed back to reality by a sound eminating from our back garden. It was something I had never heard before, so being an inquisitive little shitehawk I went to the window to incvestigate.

What I saw shocked me to the very core and changed my life forever.

Now, we all knew about the small hive at the bottom of the garden. It was a wonderful nest, up in a tree that had developed naturally to being a couple of feet high, and my childlike curiosity was left in no doubt of the requirement to leave it and its inhabitants well alone, and by no means to poke at it with sticks and wotnot. Mostly it kept itself to itself, but today, the noise coming from the hive was different. It was a sort of:

“buzz, buzzzzzz, sniffle, *twitch*, buzzzz-sniffle-*twitch*”

As I continued to stare I began to notice that the occupants of the hive were dropping out of it like stones. They little yellow-and-black-how-do-the-fat-bastards-fly-anyway? fuckers had somehow ‘mutated’ overnight. Not only had they grown exponentially, but their middle legs had completely dropped off and their antennae had somehow transformed into sort of large, floppy ears.

Shaken to the very gizzards, I sprinted downstairs to my parents and screamed at them, asking if they had seen what was going on, and hoping beyond hope that they could provide some sort of explanation.

However, my folks seem nonplussed at their yelping, incoherent son as I grabbed them and directed their glance towards the window to present them with the phenomenal sight of these incredible new creatures, who by now had abandoned their natural instinct for pollen in favour of munching carrots…and the occasional cabbage leaf.

Yet as I turned towards my parents for some sort of assurance, they merely fixed me with a look of supreme nonchalance, before turning to me and fixing me with a knowing smile. Then, they simultaneously went over to the stereo and ensured the volume was on an even number, before going to the light swtch, turning it on, then off, then back on again. They then proceded to knock a piece of wood three times with the little finger of their left hands, before arranging every item in the house in alphabetical order, backwards, and doubling every inanimate item up so that it wouldn’t ‘get lonely’.

Gobsmacked, I thought it was the weirdest thing I had ever witnessed, but my Mum & Dad just treated it as if it was ‘one of those things’. With my mouth agape and my trembling arm still pointing towards the window, I enquired as to what the clattering cluster-fuck was going on, and why they were behaving this way. ‘Don’t worry” they replied reassuringly. “It’s just a simple case of ‘Bees-are-rabbits’”

And I wonder why I’m so fucked up.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 2 Jul 2010, 10:28, 8 replies)

Oh you fucker...

( snee held his breath since, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 11:02, closed)

oh very good sir.
*clicks an even number of times
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 11:04, closed)

*spang*
*applauds*
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 11:11, closed)

Oh dear god.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:17, closed)

Fuck!
I was looking for it too. *click*
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:27, closed)

*SPANG*
That's for not turning up last week you bastard!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 5 Jul 2010, 0:15, closed)

That's awful.
*click*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 12:44, closed)

Punnage wunnage
I'm usually not a fan of pun-related replies but have a click for:

"So there I was, slap-bang in the middle of a particularly detailed and intense fantasy of deploying both Airwolf and K.I.T.T to destroy the Death Star,"
(Cockroach-Sombrero Cook Pass Babtridge, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 20:58, closed)