Oh the guilt!
I apologise in advance for the length of this post and how badly I come out of this tale as a human being. This is truly the most reprehensible thing I have ever done to another human being so I'm sorry for the complete lack of funnies here.

In 2001 I was fortunate enough to get out of a doomed marriage. We had married very young and I knew even then I was making a mistake. We had lived apart while I was finishing my university course in Middlesbrough. She was still in the Scottish Borders and met and fallen in love with a lad she was working with. We split so she could go off with him two months after I finished uni.

I couldn't bear to stay in the same town as her so took the only option I thought was available and headed back to Middlesbrough with the shirt on my back, a DVD player and my own few posessions and that was it. She kept everything and I didn't care. All my savings had gone towards the wedding, but I just wanted to get out.

I enrolled in a part-time History masters but it soon became evident I was far more screwed up by the circle of events than I had thought. I dropped out of the course, went on the dole, and descended into a familiar tale of alcohol and drug abuse.

Then two months later, in November of that year I met Paula (name changed to protect the entirely innocent party). I was introduced to her through my housemate in a bar, got talking and hit it off immediately. She told me I reminded her of Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting. I asked her if that meant I looked like a heroin addict. She laughed, I laughed, sparks flew. Two hours after meeting she took me to bed.

Thus began the most intense three months I have ever had. Paula was sexy, funny, intelligent and genuinely brilliant company. She was 29 (I was 21 at the time), and, not going into too much detail, the sex was of great quantity and quality.

She was also a similarly damaged soul, more so even. She had been raped twice in her younger days, and had had two suicide attempts. Her arms were criss-crossed with still livid, raised scars from years of self-harming.

At that time I had received a few thousand pounds inheritance from my Grandmother. We spent this in a mad month of drink, drugs, sex, and fairly nihilistic pillow talk. We would lay and pour out the deepest recesses of our souls to each other, opening old wounds neither of us had spoken about to anyone else.

Something had to give. Neither of us were capable of sustaining a rational, loving relationship. There had been something of the trainwreck of the entire thing and we were physically bruised and emotionally entirely fucked by it. She ended it on Valentines Day 2002, saying she was getting too close and just couldn't handle being hurt.

I understood this, and spent the next couple of months licking my wounds and dragging myself back to some semblance of normality. During this time I met Natasha (name again changed). She was Russian, very pretty in a bookish, innocent way I was immediately drawn to, and was of a very well-off background. After Paula, her humour and her naivete were deep gusts of fresh air.

We spent a lot of time together, and in April 2002 my decree absolute was finalised and I asked her out. She said yes.

We spent five lovely months together. My spirits were restored, I was seeing a councillor whioh helped immeasurably, we would stay up talking into the night and fall asleep in each others' arms.

There was no sex however. She was still a virgin at 20, and was in no rush to change this until she was sure she felt she could be entirely comfortable with me. I was completely smitten so I accepted this situation entirely and was very happy to build a relationship on something other than a physical basis.

Then, later that year, her father was taken ill with cancer. She was heading to Russia for six months. We agreed to call it quits for the duration and see where we were when she got back.

After she left, I drifted back into old habits, and after a few months I happened to bump into Paula in a bar. She was upset as one of her cats had died (she had a virtual menagerie in her house), so I went home with her and inevitably we fell into bed.

This continued for about three months. Then one day, sharing a post-coital cigarette, she asked what I was planning on doing the day after.

The next day was the day Natasha returned.

I had done a lot of soul searching the previous week and had decided that although the threee months with Paula had been great, I wanted the security and stability with Natasha.

Unfortunately, the reason Paula had used to break up last time no longer applied and she had completely fallen for me. And unfortunately, I decided to tell her I was getting back with Natasha the next day after we had just had sex.

Understandably the reaction was not a favourable one. She picked up a glass of water beside her and smashed it over my head, before ostensibly dragging me down the stairs and chucking me, clothes in hand, into the street.

She ignored my calls, messages, texts, everything. Just as well, all apologies were hollow and I knew I had behaved appallingly. I felt awful, and as if to acknowledge this, it soon faltered between myself and Natasha and ended not long after she came back.*

I never saw Paula again, but was told by a mutual acquaintance she had attempted suicide again a few weeks after the incident. Luckily, she hadn't succeeded. He didn't give a reason why.

I have carried the guilt of my shocking behaviour for years now and I've used it to become the person I am today. What I did was unforgivable but I'd like to think I used it as a learning curve and that I treat people far better these days.


*On a somewhat happier level, Natasha and I got back together six months later. I had cleared my head, was a far nicer and happier person. I had found a job and we moved to Leeds together until the relationship ran its course and ended amicably.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 20:48, 11 replies)

Aw! your such a sweet guy.
We all make mistakes in youth and especially when we are royally fucked up. Recognizing and admitting our folly is what redeems us.
( girlinthehole, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 21:05, closed)

I must say
I find the fact that the first response of 'Aw! your such a sweet guy' to this tale about a man doing quite a bad thing is quite funny.

Anyway, we all do bad things, what makes someone a good person is realising they did a bad thing and being sorry like you are.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 7:56, closed)

Thanks for sharing that with us.
What BGB said basically.

* clicks *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 21:26, closed)

Don't beat yourself up man.
Shit happens, we all behave like twats. Don't over analyize it.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 21:31, closed)

I don't think what you did was reprehensible
in that you had finished with Natasha, and from the sounds of it both you and Paula knew that what you had was a catastrophic relationship of two fucked-up people.

You didn't try and keep both going at once - i.e. promising to Natasha that you would be faithful during her time away, or keeping both going when she got back to see which way it went.

And that makes you better in my sad experience than many people.

What you did wasn't unforgivable - Paula was obviously deeply damaged before you met her and I'd guess than she would have been the way she was regardless of who she went out with.

Time has passed...you can let go of the guilt now !
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:02, closed)

You are a cunt
And you're hellbound.
(God 101, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:04, closed)

Cheers God
If anyone was going to judge me, might as well be you;)
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:16, closed)

She was a cutter.
That in itself tells me she's fucked up anyway. Add in the rape bit and it's even more grim.

You have to be one hell of a strong person to deal with someone with issues like those. I don't think I could do it.

Nothing shameful on your part, dude. I'd say you dodged a bullet there.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:12, closed)

Sorry Loon
But I would suggest the cutting was a possible symptom of the other issues.

What you said sounds really dismissive of her, and as an ex-cutter who'd been through a lot less than she had, it comes across as disrespectful.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:37, closed)

As an ex cutter myself
I'd agree with BK here.

I'm fortunately now recovered from depression, but cutting was part of my reaction to a lot of issues, and believe it or not, it helped at the time.

Not that I'd recommend it as a coping mechanism. But painting everyone with the same brush is unfair.

/emo
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 10:38, closed)

I don't think there's anything wrong with this.
Running the risk of being flamed, it sounds like you did the right thing.

You knew from experience that the relationship wasn't perfect, that you weren't made for each other, and you followed your heart. Yes, you timing was shit, but relationships end for all kinds of reasons, many much worse than this.

I understand your guilt and it must have been compounded by her suicide attempt, but that wasn't your fault. If she was a stronger, more stable person, she'd have done what you did and pulled through it.

The one thing I've learned through a number of messy relationships is that you've got to look after number one. If you're in a deeply committed relationship, the look after two. Kids, two plus more. But follow your feelings and be true to yourself.

*autopuke*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 10:25, closed)