I can has cheezburger

( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 12:18, 2 replies)

I can bend my index finger
at the second knuckle - the one closest to my hand, without the first knuckle bending at all.

Then, if I flick the end of my finger with the other hand, it wobbles up and down in a slightly odd fashion.
(username failed moderation, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 11:49, 3 replies)

The hidden talent of the B3ta board
To bring out the stupid in everyone.

Except me of course, I'm awesome.

Shitnobbles.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 8:52, Reply)

Apparently one of the mods on here has the ability to delete posts.
Next they'll be banning people.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 8:27, 10 replies)

i invented cats

(Eukanuba, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 7:38, 3 replies)

I am a talented graphic artist with a highly developed ironic wit and strong work ethic
but I'm not about to go to work in fucking Canary Warf.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 2:45, 7 replies)

You lot don't know it
but I am a poet

Yes really!

As well as being a geneticist, astro-engineer, cyberneticist, neurostructuralist and moral theologian, I am a poet, published on countless worlds througout Time and Space. Under another name, of course.

Here is one of my latest works!

Enjoy, friends!

Scream For Your Sausage

Scream for your sausage!
Cry for your pie!
Fight for your Scotch egg!
Be quite prepared to die.

Stock up your larder
With wares of all kinds,
Save your left-overs -
Your crusts and your rinds,

For Ivor is coming,
That fat Northern beast -
Ivor is coming!
And he wants a Feast.

He wants twenty chickens
Roasted on racks,
With sizzling bacon
Hot on their backs.

He wants a fresh piglet
Gutted and jointed,
With exotic oils
Its pert rump anointed.

He wants a whole herd
- This beggars belief –
Of heifers called Kevin
Turned into beef!

He wants a Scotch egg
The size of the moon!
He wants twenty of them -
And NOW, not ‘soon’!

He wants your bathtubs
Brimming with beer
(There won’t be room
For baby, I fear).

He wants all the cheeses
Ever devised
Gathered before his
Bulging blue eyes.

He wants tubs of lard
Paraded at dawn
By fit Northern lasses
With buttocks of brawn.

He wants... too much,
I hear you all cry -
Tough luck, you bastards,
He’s that kind of guy.

So scream for your sausage -
It won’t do no good,
Because hungry Ivor
Wants ALL YOUR FOOD.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 24 Apr 2014, 0:07, 4 replies)

I invented Ali G.
Sort of regret selling the act to that Cohen fella, but I wasn't really getting far with it.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 23:32, Reply)

I met her in a pub in Kensington, shocked at how fat she was

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 20:53, 6 replies)

my cock doesn't do that precum thing

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 20:52, 11 replies)

I also like 'oaf'
/ac
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 20:46, 4 replies)

I should be so lucky
lucky lucky lucky
( broadsword w⚓, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 20:12, Reply)

I invented the bag.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 18:18, 9 replies)

i discovered the moon

(Eukanuba, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 17:56, 14 replies)

I can see clearly now the rain has gone

(Figmaus, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 17:44, 1 reply)

I can cross my legs and walk about on my hands
... though this has proved of little benefit in life
( spazzcaptain Misses Valin @, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 17:35, Reply)

I can remember...
...what the skies were like when I was young.

Grey, monotonous; much like they are now.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 17:03, 5 replies)

I know someone whose Dad once punched a swan

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 15:43, 1 reply)

I can hear things that are like, really far away

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 15:43, Reply)

I managed to beat Nelson Mandela in an arm wrestle

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 15:42, Reply)

I came up with the idea for the X-Files

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 15:42, Reply)

Telling strangers on the internet about the frequency with which you manage to "subjugate the bush" is a talent.
So is using the word "poon".
(Andrew Avetoom, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 15:06, 8 replies)

I can nonce kids by just whistling the theme tune to Batfink
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0Sow24CAQs
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 13:07, 3 replies)

I can whistle the little trumpet tune the Lurpak man used to do.

(Rollerbone The sauciest opossum, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 13:02, 5 replies)