Talkin' Dirty
Now, I find it difficult to complete one fucking sentence without fucking swearing. It makes me feel big and hard.

The scouse girl, Emma, I was seeing a few years back would always berate me about my choice language. She did not like swearing. Not one little bit.

It really didn’t help the first time I met her parents. I was nervous and desperate to make a good impression, but I somehow managed to trip on the step leading into their house and mash my face on their welcome rug.

“Fuck me, that hurts!” I cried.

And my good first impression was well and truly fucked, crashing and burning. Emma seethed for the rest of the day and I was sleeping on the sofa that night.

The hypocrisy part became evident earlier in our relationship. After a few dates I finally managed to trick Emma into performing the beast with two backs with me. We went back to her place, she put on some music – Coldplay, if I recall. Ok, I should’ve put my trousers back on and got out then in protest, but I was desperate for some nocturnal naughtiness.

So, we do a bit of smooching, things start getting heavy, and we transfer proceedings to the bedroom.

Well, fuck me...

“YES, YES, YES!!! I LOVE YOUR FUCKING COCK UP MY CUNT!!! FUCKING RIDE ME!!! FUCK ME HARD!!! HARDER, YOU FUCKER!!!”

And so on...

The language that came out of that girl’s mouth when she was on the job was unbelievable. She would’ve made a squaddie blush. She even taught me some new words I’d never heard before.

Then afterwards, she would revert back to Mary Poppins mode. If I so much as uttered "cock!", I would receive a slap.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 12:35, 10 replies)

I prefer it 'that way round'...

*ahem* if you know what I mean.

I used to go out with a young filly who would swear a blue streak in public, but when between the sheets would lie there like a sack of spuds and not give it up at all.

(Might have something to do with my technique though)

Whilst I was going out with her I seriously considered taking up ventriliquism.

*clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 25 Feb 2009, 12:39, closed)

^ 10 points
Go to the top of the class and hand out pencils.
( monkeybananaraffle, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:13, closed)

Agrees with Pooflake...
Aren't we supposed to be princesses in the drawing room, chefs in the kitchen, and whores in the bedroom?

I've worked on this for years, is this why my dance card's always empty? *sniff*
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 12:57, closed)

Yes, that's completely correct.
We don't ask for much....
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Feb 2009, 13:33, closed)

Can I be a twunt?
"I love you are fucking cock."
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 15:58, closed)

Ha!
Thanks for the spelling help. I can spell, honest.... It's just a bit tricky to type and think and keep an eye out for my boss all at the same time... Cheers.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:00, closed)

( WormuIus, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:00, closed)

Wow, with all this talk of sex on the internet, you must get laid LOADS!

( Bobson I who milks the milkmen?, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:09, closed)

I detect
you disapprove with his talk of sexuality as you consider it to be peurile in a sort of 'showing off' type fashion. Can't it be said that you're the one with the immature attitude towards the issue, insofar as you consider mention of it as a form of showing off and not just consideration of a perfectly common and natural topic?
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 4:40, closed)

Umm...
...no.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 5:00, closed)