EAZY DOES IT
“Where’s Eazy?” I said.

“I don’t know, I thought he was with you!” said my co-volunteer, Jo.

“EEEEAAAAZZZZYYYYY!!!” I said, losing it ever-so-slightly as I went stalking off looking for the little shit.

Now, despite the obvious problem this kid had – that his parent’s were drugged up hippies who had named him Eazy; his real name, the poor little fucker (we also had another kid with the first name of Snow; a bit weird but not too bad, not until you find out her surname was White), well Eazy also had Asperger’s and needed constant supervision. Unfortunately, so did the other kids we were with - all eight of them - and there were only three adults. It was a logistical fucking nightmare.

We were on a day out to London Zoo – I’ve volunteered working with autistic kids for about ten years now - so, off I go looking for Eazy who’d done his usual Steve McQueen in the Great Escape routine and fucked off to go and do his own thing – I was only glad the little bastard didn’t have access to a motorcycle.

With my arsehole fluttering, hoping Eazy hadn’t wandered into the lion enclosure, I eventually tracked him down next to the penguin pool. He was just stood there, grinning, clapping his hands and saying:

“Zoooooooo! Zoooooooo! Zooooooo!” to himself in a very low chirp,- a very contented twelve year old kid.

With Eazy safely rounded up we go back to the group and spend the next hour or so walking round, checking out the furry critters, petting the farm animals in the kids zoo; me never wanting a plate of lamb chops or a bacon sandwich more than at that moment in my life.

But eventually it’s time to go.

We leave, go to the car park, get the kids into the minibus. One of the other volunteers, a lad named Sean who’s driving, slides behind the steering wheel and checks out the rear view mirror. Then he stops and his eyes go a bit wide.

“There’s something moving!” He says. Jo and I turn our heads and look. And, sure enough, there is something moving. Eazy’s Jar-Jar Binks satchel shaped like the cunt-destroyer-of-the-new-star-wars-movies head is jerking about on the sear next to Eazy, who’s staring down at it and grinning.

Being a macho kind of man, I turn to Jo and say: “Jo – go and see what’s in the bag, will you.”

She whispers back at me so the kids can’t hear: “Fuck off, Spanky – Eazy was your responsibility.”

So, I edge forward, ask Eazy what he’s got in the bag – he just grins at me a bit more. So, I unzip the satchel and –

- leap backwards, absolutely scared shitless.

“What is it?” Sean asks, as he and Jo come round to have a look.

And we all stare...

A penguin.

A fucking penguin.

Stares back at us, its head cocked to one side. Regarding us with its beady little eye.

I reach forward and fumble with the zip on Jar-Jar’s head. The penguin, looking a bit perturbed, tries to nip at my fingers. But it’s pretty docile and I manage to trap it back inside.

Sean and Jo look at me as if to say: “You’re gonna have to take it back.”

And I do. Eazy still grinning like a twat as I trudge off as if to say: “I’m the cleverest kid in the entire world, me!”

With a kiddies Jar Jar Binks satchel on my back I walk back to the main entrance, find someone in a green London Zoo sweat shirt and say: “Errr, I’ve got a penguin in here... sorry...”

“What?”

“I've got a penguin in here,” and I indicate the satchel.

“Are you sure?”

“YES!”

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"YES! Its definately not a sodding pidgeon." And then I explained what had happened.

And, after a bit of a kerfuffle, the bird’s returned.

Very embarrassing.

Not really an impulse buy, more an impulse steal...

And – thinking back – probably the most excruciatingly mortifying part of the whole episode was walking round North London for twenty minutes or-so with the big eared, googly-eyed cunt from Episode I in furry form hugging my back.

Made me feel like a complete twat, that did.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 26 May 2009, 10:37, 14 replies)

I used to work there
you'd be amazed how often this happens. penguins are sociable little buggers.
(monkeyboy1, Tue 26 May 2009, 10:59, closed)

my missus would nick one
if I didn't stop her. she's obsessed with them, to the extent where it has worn off on me and I am also obsessed with them...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:12, closed)

Spanky...
I rarely post, but each one of your stories are awesome! Keep them up!
(ColinS needs to eat, Tue 26 May 2009, 11:21, closed)

cough
www.snopes.com/critters/farce/smuggled.asp
cough
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 26 May 2009, 11:32, closed)

Hmmmm
I don't think Spanky's claiming this had only ever happened to him in the whole history of the world. Just a thought. Look at monkeyboy's comment. Penguins appear to get smuggled out of places lots.
(Lizard King, Tue 26 May 2009, 11:36, closed)

Somehow I doubt it happened to Spunky at all
but it makes an amusing story all the same.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 26 May 2009, 11:39, closed)

this

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 26 May 2009, 13:45, closed)

True
its not urban ledgend. having worked with animals for four years i can vouch that this happens more often than you'd think.
(monkeyboy1, Tue 26 May 2009, 11:39, closed)

You went and
beat me to posting that. Another bullshit story, another click 'cause it made me laugh.
(Leyxia, Wed 27 May 2009, 14:37, closed)

I like penguins
because when i was at Edinburgh zoo once, the keeper in charge of the penguin parade had nothing on below her t-shirt and her free-range tits were wobbling about nicely, with protruding nipples.

Actually, that's got bugger all to do with penguins. I was just having a perv.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 26 May 2009, 11:38, closed)

Reminds me of Phil Drabble
As I was watching the sheep dog trials on BBC2, way back when there was an attractive young shepherdess, with an (obviously) cool breeze pressing her t-shirt against her not unattractive breasts. Almost like a wet t-shirt competition without the wet.

And then Phil Drabble growled into his microphone, "and there's a fine figure of a lass."

That image has stayed with for far longer than it merits.
( Ghoti Fingers, Tue 26 May 2009, 12:06, closed)

Rhode Bird gardens
Yes Pingu and his mates are sociable, as I can confirm after being followed by one of the little buggers who seemed to think I'd hatched it. I could have quite easily picked up a Penguin if I'd been a) So minded, and b) Unconcerned by filling a backpack with something that craps a lot and smells of fish
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Tue 26 May 2009, 15:09, closed)

To be fair
it wouldn't be the first bird that shits alot and smells of fish that Spanky's zipped up in a bag and skullfucked before burying her deformed, maimed corpse under a pile of rocks behind Kings Cross Station. met.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 26 May 2009, 15:14, closed)

Penguins
You've gotta love the little guys. Nice work, Mr Hanky.

*click*
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:34, closed)