Jafaican
EG
"Me and me bredrin are gonna be chillin in me yard laters ya get me bro?"

Shut up you ponce! You're from Westbury on Trym (posh part of Bristol) and live with your parents.

I like regional accents, yes even yours brummys ;o), and this tosh is making all kids talk the same.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:25, 6 replies)

The great pedantry surrounding irony.
Surely the meaning of a word is what the majority of people understand it to be? If we all found out that a common word that we all use every day was supposed to have an entirely different meaning by dictionary definition, would we all start raging that we hadn't been using it properly, or would we just change the definition?

Language changes. Fast. A few hundred years ago, on this very soil, the grammar rules that you guys insist to be correct would have been preposterous. Spelling would have been different, and many words had different meanings. Don't you realise how many of the words you use in your rants about 'proper' spelling and grammar are fairly recent adaptations? Don't get angry just because you can't keep up.

I guess I consider this an irrational hatred of mine because I'm trying to preach about letting other people just do their thing...
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:25, 3 replies)

Petrol stations
Specifically, people who queue just to get a pump on the side of their car where the fuel cap is.

Then again, my irrational non-hate (is there a word for that? Nate. Nave? Lave? Love?) is pulling up to a pump with a fuel cap on the wrong side of my car, nonchalantly running the hose round the car, filling up, paying, and getting back into the car and subtly mouthing "knob" to the guy STILL queuing.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:20, 12 replies)

People who say they were being ironic when they were being sarcastic.
Or, indeed, anyone who is deliberately rude but tries to pass it off as being humourous.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:18, 31 replies)

I have an irrational hatred of people with an irrational hatred of the English language....
So what if people use the English language differently to you. Once you exit the world of Shakespeare and enter the realms of reality the English language becomes a bastard langauge. It accepts words from any other language with open arms. It has no pilot or controller as such. It is truly a world language. It has the most loosely laid down laws of any language I know. In Germany and France they devote actual tax money to people whose job it is to review the grammar rules and from time to time make amendments. One of the great things about the English language is that it is constantly evolving. It never stays the same. If you want language rules and grammar police perhaps you should investigate moving to another country where you could be safe in the knowledge that somewhere, someone is using your hard earned tax money to patrol the internet, newspapers,tv and books and make complaints on your behalf to make sure nothing of the articulations and derivations contained within the sanctity of your blessed words is soiled for further generations. C*NTS C*NTS C*NTS C*NTS.....

Phew...feel much better after that rant.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:15, 4 replies)

Anthea Turner.
I swear if she ever smugs it right up near me, I'll do time.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:12, Reply)

Shower curtains
That dont leave you alone when you're showering. Makes me want to kill the bathroom.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:06, 6 replies)

"I'm not being funny but..."
Guaranteed to send my blood pressure up.

The other day I phoned the company over the road as a car belonging to one of their employees had its alarm going off. The receptionist said "I'm not being funny but there are more than 200 employees in this facility."
~~red mist descends~~
"Look luv," in my best, most patronising voice "I'M not being funny but if it's not sorted in the next 2 minutes, I'm getting the forklift driver to dump the car upside down in your car park where it should be."
( snee held his breath since, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:05, 7 replies)

Siamese matches
You know when 2 matches in a box are conjoined at the 'head' like some bastard inbred freak of matchery?

That.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:04, 5 replies)

Young people
and specifically those trousers that are intentionally baggy down to the knees (I assume the unnatural evolution of normal keks worn half way down the arse) and makes the wearer have to waddle along like a prisoner in chains and have a permanent hand free to keep pulling them up. How the fuck are those retards going to find a mate, and ensure the survival of the species. I do worry.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:02, 5 replies)

Slow people on the underground...
...especially when they're walking, albeit at a snail's pace, up the escalators. Part of me thinks "Well, at least they're having a go". Part of me wants to kill them.
( rofl harris, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:59, 2 replies)

People who are able to provide rational reasons for their supposed irrational hatreds

( rofl harris, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:55, 6 replies)

Why I Don't Work in a Service Industry
Sat at the bar over the last few months, I've noticed an alarmingly increasing number of people (usually lads in their twenties) coming up and saying,
"Can I get a pint of bitter?" (or some variation thereof).
If I was behind the bar, I'd have to restrain myself from always saying, "No you can't. It's my job to get it for you, and you aren't allowed behind the bar. You can buy one. I'll even accept you asking if you can have one. But use the word 'get' in that context again and you're barred"
Grrr.
(greatoldone Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl f'tagn, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:53, 3 replies)

Ginger People
Freeks of nature. Should all be shipped to the Shetlands and left there.
(Bushcricket, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:52, 4 replies)

Product Evangelist.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:45, 2 replies)

Small women driving big cars
Sexist? Yes. But there's just something about seeing a tiny slip of a woman behind the wheel of a hulking great monster of a car -- usually some kind of ugly 4x4 -- that winds me up.

Sat there, just about peering over the dash and doing 12mpg on the school run...

*shakes fist*
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:44, 18 replies)

wheels.
Many moons ago I went out with a lovely girl from Tiverton, Devon. She was quite a well balanced happy individual and living in a rural area there were indeed plenty of secluded fields to walk across and maybe have a bit of alfresco fun. Of course fields meant farms and farms meant tractors, she was morbidly afraid of tractors she really really hated them. It really used to amuse me when meeting after she had finished work to walk her home past the tractor showrooms. Great fun. She said she used to like them, but now she is an ex-tractor fan.
( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:40, 5 replies)

People who use twee babytalk pronunciations like "coinky dink".
They probably wear comedy ties and call themselves mad!. And shit their own pants.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:34, 20 replies)

Dophins!
Rapists of the sea.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:32, 5 replies)

the million legged tech octopus
Cables. I fucking hate cables.

Every server and PC I deal with at work has at least 3; some have up to 10. Switches & routers are even worse. Blue ones, black ones, red ones, power ones, net ones, fibre, fibre channel, scsi, sas, serial, aaaaaaaargh. All wrapped around each other like some demeted bastard tentacled beast from HP Lovecraft, timewarped into the 21st Century. If you're lucky some of them might be labelled; worse is when they're mislabelled. There's nothing like spending a productive Saturday afternoon stuck at the data centre, tracking down an intermittant fault, which turns out to be a cocking cable only nine tenths plugged into the cunting cunt hole it is meant to mate with.

I actually looked into getting trained to splice fibre, because it's quite lucrative, and you get to sit in the back of the van playing with ends of fibre-optic bundles, while grunts dig up the road in the rain. Then I remembered, I fucking HATE CABLES.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:25, 2 replies)

People who have ill-considered opnions on politics but
preface such statements with "I never voted but...."

I am sorry, you are not entitled to an opinion then. You excluded yourself from the democratic process, so shut up
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:08, 8 replies)

Whilst on the subject of adverts
The use of the work 'Fresh' in the Febreese adverts in the UK makes me angry for no apparent reason.

Perhaps I should just sell the TV.
(TitanLX, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:05, 4 replies)

Foreign TV adverts dubbed into English
Normally cleaning products and air 'fresheners' use the technique. I don't know why hate them more than UK adverts as I never believe a word any advert says.

Apologies if this has been said by anyone else already
(TitanLX, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:02, 3 replies)

While my blood pressure is still spiking
People that refuse to watch the news as it's depressing or boring. WTF?

And people who refuse to try new foods. "Sushi, no thanks I like my fish cooked". Someone actually said that to me. How do they fucking know they have that preference if they have nothing to compare it to? Surely a preference needs a comparison by definition. I countered it by saying that they like prosciutto which is eaten raw. And anyway, sushi is the rice and it's up to you what filling you put in.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 11:00, 8 replies)

Stanley Unwin
To many he was a harmless old boy who entertained by talking Unwinese!
To me he was an irritating fuckwit who couldn't string a sentence together.
What is funny about talking gibberish? Unless you are a toddler you really should have grown out of it. Why did people pay for this "talent" it's just so wrong, he wasn't funny when I was a child and still annoys me when he pops up in an old carry on film or tv clip.
(cmouse is pondering about life in other jobs, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 10:59, 8 replies)

Conceptual artists.
Ooh, look it's an empty box! Fuck off. I despise you, the critics that fawn over your work and the buyers that give you bags of money. Smarmy cunts - all of 'em.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 10:57, 5 replies)

Russell Howard
I'm not sure why, as he does seem like a nice bloke. Too cheerful, maybe. The cunt.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 10:46, 11 replies)

Sandettie Lightvessel has just reminded me.
A video recorder is a type of machine, and thus I will accept it being used as a verb.

However, I bloody HATE it when people do advertising for free - that joke - "How do you know if someone's got an iPhone? They tell you." - thus, people who talk about "Sky Plussing" something, or "Skyping", or "on my Blackberry".

"Hoovering" I have become numb to.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 10:43, 8 replies)