Dear Michael Jackson
They're just kids you fucking idiot, KIDS! It's wrong!!! Leave them the fuck alone!!!
Cheers,
DC
P.S. The monkey was a bad idea too.
( difficultchild, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 23:18, 4 replies)

A Drunken Letter to NASA
I was working with Google Docs recently and came across this letter. Turns out I came home quite drunk one night feeling rather racist. I did have a point though. You might want to skip some to just get the gist, I don't know how I wrote so much while paralytic.

Dear NASA,

I am writing to you in order to suggest a mission. I have recently noticed that there has not been a manned moon landing since December 1972. Why not? Despite recent evidence to support the landings, there are still conspiracy theorists who do not believe the Apollo moon landings were genuine. What I am wondering is why hasn't NASA sent another man to the moon, and proved the doubters wrong? Obviously this is not the sole reason I suggest you send someone to the moon, but surely by not doing so you are just fuelling the conspiracy fires?

Anyway, as already stated, I am writing this e-mail in order to make a suggestion. In a move which would really banish doubters, I propose that NASA launches a lunar landing mission involving the entire negro community of the world. I have recently compiled a list of several supporting reasons for doing this, which you will find very shortly if you are reading this email in a logical manner. Here they are:

You haven't actually let any blacks on to the Moon yet. That's a bit racist if you ask me.
Many (most) black people would like to go to the moon (just ask them).
Some conspiracists may be black (this would show them).
There have never been any mass moon landings. Imagine what a team of people could do up there.
It would be funny.

It is the last point on the list which I would like to expand upon to some extent. I did not go into much detail on the list, and perhaps the minimalistic linguistics do not convey the entire point I am making, but an act like this would most definitely improve the popularity and marketability of NASA (I'm thinking clothing range, couldn't find one on your website), and therefore providing an increase in income from commercial products and through government funding due to the general public feeling more inclined to allowing an increase in the financial contribution from the government.

It is not only this that made me include that last point. With reference to the way I articulated said reason, I suggest that the moon landing be merely a one-way journey. This would be a grand comedic moment in an otherwise dull Millennium so far, especially if the proposed astronauts did not know this detail of their journey. When they arrive on the moon, the Caucasian population would almost certainly be watching the event on TV or via the internet, and at that moment you could use this link to announce to both parties that, for example, the space shuttles are out of fuel and therefore will not be returning to planet earth.

Now, you may initially reject this idea as infantile and inhumane, but bear with me. Firstly, the majority of world poverty would be wiped out as the inhabitants of third world countries will be on the moon, and the white people in poverty can be subsidised with the richer coloured peoples money. Secondly, global warming issues would be solved by the global reduction in CO2 caused by the reduction in the worlds population emitting all the carbon. As well as these two major problems, shortages in medicine, housing, prison space and other such inconveniences would all meet solutions should you look in to my proposal. Lastly, the operation would probably not be rendered inhumane, as there will be no black people on earth to complain. It would be like supporting rights for dinosaurs, which nobody does because there aren't any any more (I googled this to check and all I found were some Canadians protesting for dinosaur rights thinking they were funny).

So, in summary, I suggest you send all blacks to the moon. For reasons I have outlined here, it would be an excellent venture for NASA, thoroughly improving not only itself but the condition of the entire world and those who remain upon it.

I look forward to receiving a reply regarding my proposal.

I can't remember writing it, and I can't remember sending it. So I either saved it as a draft, or NASA are currently considering it.
(thatboy, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 23:15, 1 reply)

Mum,
Thanks for having me, for bringing me into this world and for being the best parent you were capable of. I know that I told you many times that I wish I was not born or that I wished I could die, but I found peace and I found that inner happiness in the end. I just wish that you could too. It saddens me that you are so damaged and in turn we did more damage to each other, it saddens me that we never really communicated, that I spent so long caring for you, I never told you what was wrong with me. I wish that I could have made things better for you, but you had to do that for yourself. I am finding out now how hard parenthood is and I can't imagine how much harder it would be if I was as damaged as you.
I love you.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 23:10, Reply)

A letter I'll never read.
Me and my man used to write letters to each other. Sometimes it would be about nice walks we'd been on, or how we were looking forwards to seeing each other. I wrote a lot more than him. He always procrastinated and never got round to replying. He's always the one who phones me so that more than makes up for it.

Last year I was sat in his room chattering away as he tidied up some things. The bottom drawer was opened and he rumaged about through some papers. One was lined, thick, folded and familiar. It was an old letter. A quick glance from him showed it was for me.

"Oh, can I see?!"

"No."

After much protesting and even trying to say that if it was addressed to me I should be allowed to read it, he put it back in the drawer and there it has stayed since. I know it's there but I'll never read it. He told me I wasn't to and I promised I wouldn't. Arses to trying to be an honest and nice girl!

I know fine well it'll just be some ramblings about how he was playing Pokémon or how he had some soup for lunch, but why hasn't he thrown it away? So it is a letter I'll never read, even if it's just a silly one. I wonder if it tells of how to steal the Crown Jewels or where there's buried treasure? That would be quite exciting. =D
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:58, Reply)

Dear dyslexics,
The unforgivably excessive permutations of terminology and phraseology in the English language undoubtedly appear impenetrable to you. Etymological derivations from multitudinous antediluvian sources must engender bewilderment; to this problematic repetoire, the inexorable advancement of time bequeaths neologisms - nascent, oft-impenetrable linguistic units frequently defying logical explanation. The vagaries of the language must be vexatious to your lexically-disadvantaged prefrontal cortexes; irrespective of your valiant and most strenuous effort, abject failure to comprehend is unfortunately inevitable. In respect of your likelihood of assimilating the information contained within this unnecessarily-abstruse missive, I can only conclude – you’re fucked.

yours,
-hp
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:57, 12 replies)

Robert Smith
Dear Mr Smith,

I am sorry that I randomly plucked your email from the internet and started emailing you for a number of months assuming that you were the most famed singer from the Cure, when indeed you are none of the sort.

I'm also a bit sorry that I still have a little chuckle to myself when I think about emailing you again.

Sorry Mr Smith.

There is a small chance I may start it again, as you were nice enough to reply fairly often. Please don't report me as a mad crazy stalker, I'm too pretty for prison.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:54, Reply)

Dear recently-promoted boss,
You're a joke. Literally a joke. People use your name as a punchline if they need to illustrate someone who is a fool.
Your attempts at management have made you a David Brentesque parody who is at best laughed at, most certainly never with.
Your directives are either ignored absolutely or carried out only when someone is fed up enough to show that by following your instructions to the letter, nothing happens but time is wasted.
Those snide little remarks and emails - pathetically accompanied with a grin or a smiley face so you can claim they're not actual bullying - are being systematically reported to HR.
The backstabbing and trying to pit one colleague against another is well known and discussed between staff the moment you try it so nobody's fooled and worse, the manager you've been sucking up to in the vain hope of riding his coat-tails to the top thinks you're an incompetent buffoon and only keeps your farcical lapdog arse around because you're stupidly willing to work 14 hour days in the mistaken belief it's getting you a legup.
It's not.
This place runs in spite of you, not because of you and it was well noted at all levels (when a number of staff pointed it out) that productivity and morale went way up last time you took a holiday.
People are quitting because of you and those left are ALL (no really, *all*) looking for an exit.
And it's because of you.
For the love of God, please stop acting like such a wanker and go back to being the normal person you were before fate handed you a promotion you're not capable of dealing with.
( difficultchild, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:47, 5 replies)

Southampton train station
Dear Big Issue Seller at Southampton Train Station,

Stop being so loud and overfriendly and cheerful at that time of the morning. Yes I am gorgeous, yes the weather is happening and I'm sure it'll brighten up later on, and yes (stone the crows) I am going somewhere on a train. We all know you sod off to the Costa across the road for a cappucino and a muffin at 9.15am. And no, I am not your darlin' (and neither are any of the 915 people you say that to). Can I ask you one thing though? Why is the Big Issue so crap?

Yours sincerely,

ShockerMocker
(ShockerMocker, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:40, 3 replies)

To L
I guess I'll never be able to tell you this to your face, too many people would be hurt.

You are the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing person alive, inside and out, and you don't even realise it. Whenever we meet we spark, there's electricity between us, we're different people. You've told me that yourself. You're everything I could have ever wanted and more.

I asked you out. You said you didn't date men you worked with. I was heartbroken, but I understood. Doing what we do for a living, to spend so much time working so closely in an intimate space, I understand how that would be impossible with someone who you went out with and broke up with. It would devastate both our careers. I understood that it was a risk you didn't want to take, I know how much your career means to you, it means the same to me too.

You set me up with your best friend C, and we hit it off. She's cute, funny, empathic and is totally head-over-heels in love with me. I try so hard to be everything I can be for her.

But she isn't you.

Then you told me that you'd changed your mind - that you would have to take the risk of dating someone in your work circle, that you were so committed to your career they would be the only men you would be likely to meet - and that a man who doesn't do what you do for a living could never truly understand you. The only barrier that ever kept us apart is gone, but now it's too late.

Even if C and I split up, I could never go out with you now - I wouldn't do that to your best friend and you wouldn't let me do it. I can never have you. I see you almost every day, and every day is a reminder of what I could have had, but now can't. Every day I see your beautiful face, and fight my desire to fall totally in love with you. C thinks the world of me, I could never bring myself to hurt her, she is a beautiful soul and a wonderful person.

But she isn't you.

Dammit, she isn't you.
(Axeman Jim, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:40, 8 replies)

My best friend
Dear E,

You are so lovely, I wish I could figure out why you are so repressed but yet so fantastically feminist.

I want to put a few kinks in you,get you to have a shit load of fun, get you propper drunk, dancing on tables in bars, swinging your bra about for all the world to see, because you know what. Nobody will love you for refusing yourself anything. Ever.

But I will always love you because you are my best friend in the world. Ever.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:36, 1 reply)

My Ex-boss
Hello J,

You really were quite fun to work with. I was kind of sad when you made plans to move to Australia.

What I can't figure out is this. Why does someone as articulate and inteligent as you have such a fondness for telling anecdotes that make you sound as dizzy as a gyroscope?
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:33, Reply)

I am too scared to post what everything I want to say
I know she reads here and, although she doesn't know my screenname, the 'essex' part is a bit of a clue.
I would only need a few key words and she would know it was about me and her - and I could not portray the full tragedy of my pain without those key words.

So, seriously, wimped out
(essexfriend, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:25, Reply)

Dear everyone at B3ta
There is a small chance that I may still have a lot to say this week. I hope that you don't mind, and perhaps you could just humour me a little and pretend to read my rather numerous posts.

Also, that time that you found a smelly banana. It was me.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:24, 3 replies)

To the people who chase the first post in QOTW
Post something constructive once in a while.

Yours,

The World
(bakircioglu, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:12, 2 replies)

Richard I
I was absoultly besotted by you, with your little feet and your smug Sean Connery impressions. If only you had have been single or you had chosen me above your fiance.

Oh well, I got over it when I figured that taller men have far nicer schlongs and that you can buy a DVD and listen to Sean any time you want.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:10, 4 replies)

To my sister
Dear H,

Was one of us addopted or bodysnatched? Really, how are we so different? And how do you not know that even the thought of you drives me absolutlypropperfuckingnutter mad? HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS?

To the rest of my family.

STOP GIVING HER MY PHONE NUMBER, SHE HAS RUINED MANY PERFECTLY GOOD DAYS BY CHOOSING TO GET IN CONTACT WITH ME.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:08, Reply)

Richard II
Dear Richard,

You really are an idiot. You have chosen an idiotic life that I can't understand.

I'm not sorry that we didn't work out.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:02, 1 reply)

Dear Mum
I don't quite know why you have let your husband go unpunished for trying it on with other women.

If you like, I will hit him in the shins with a cricket bat because I know that your back is rather sore these days and you can't manage it yourself.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 22:01, Reply)

Some of my customers I deal with on a regular basis.
You are a cool bunch of people. Just fab. There is a small chance I want to give you a little hug for making my rather shitty day just a small amount better.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:59, 1 reply)

To my best bloke pal.
Yes you are a hottie, but I am not keen on jumping your bones really because we would feel compelled to be in a "propper" relationship and you would end up wrecking my bickie with talk about bikes. And I would probably end up trying to change you like your ex did, and I quite think that the world is a fine place with you in it as you are.

Don't ever change. EVER. You are just fantastic as you are.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:57, Reply)

To some of the people I work with
I haven't got a clue about "holby".
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:54, Reply)

To the woman who ran a training course I was on recently.
Never EVER refer to the right CTRL key as "the magic" button.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:53, Reply)

Here we go.
To my Ex-boyfriend

Dear W

Leaving you was the best decision that I ever made. Yes, you are indeed a fantastic person but our relationship ended up in a passionless mess, for this I am profoundly sorry.

I hope that you have found someone as lovely as you are. You deserved for me to be more than another female relative. You deserved for me to be a lover to you.

Nobody since you or before you in my adult life has changed me so much. There will always be a part of you that I carry with me.


To my ex-husband

Dear M,

You are an excuse for a human being, every second that you exist you pollute the human race with your existance.

I was so happy when I left you that I fucked everyone I could. Sex with you was damaging, life with you has left me with so many emotional scars that a therapist would love to get their hands on me.

If I could only see you just one last time, I would love to make you hurt just a fraction of the amount that you hurt me.


To Every Man I have Dated Called Richard.

You fuckinhg two timing bastard.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:48, 4 replies)

dear british public
I declare the 4th of may (star wars day) 2010 to be the day we let it be known we are not best pleased with the powers that be. I, with humility, suggest we use the most terrifying tactic at our disposal to make our presence felt. This tactic, known as 'having a bit of a laugh' will render this nation senseless in fear. I suggest each and every one of us takes to the street in a hooded top/fancy dress/police uniform, drink in hand and have meaningful conversations with our friends and neighbours. I suggest we have street parties and BBQs with much jollity and the sounds of uncensored music. I suggest we knock on each others doors and ask what we think about things.

I think the world of you, you bunch of nutters, so lets argue until dawn and sort this stupid world out. It can't be that hard.

Yours, with respect,
DPB
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:47, 4 replies)

Dear Oscar/Film Buff nerds
trying to be topical here etc

Hurt Locker is pure shite, it's like a George Bush/Tony Blair co-directed movie.

ergo: No story, no character development, no result, no happy ending, fucking depressing, shows how the rmb will overtake the $ some time soon, fucking disaster.

OH, forgot that TB/GWB are going to be best supporting actors to win oscars for the movie.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:45, 1 reply)

United Airlines
One may write as many letters/emails/ or even leave messages on answering machines as you like to United Airlines customer relations department.

To date I have wrote / messaged them about 15 times since January without so much as a courtesy aknowledgement.

Not very funny or inspiring I know , I'm just a bit pissed with them for fucking up what otherwise would have been a fantastic vacation.

my apologies for wasting 20 seconds of your life
(bugboy, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 21:38, 4 replies)

A few to add.....
To B..... you are better than that. Don't stand for what that wanker did to you, and believe in karma because what he did will come back and haunt him, he's a piece of shit.

To L..... get a job, stop smoking smack and get it sorted you are 27 ffs. You cannot be supported by your parents for life. If you don't get it sorted then you ain't going to be here much longer mate.

To M..... well, you've heard it all from me cutie. Get a date sorted for April, no excuses. It'll be the best sex you've ever had.

Oh and Barclays.... stuff your fucking late charges up your fucking arse. Although I would actually like you to read that....
(Pumba Look for the red flashing light again... no!!!!!, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 20:47, 2 replies)

dear mum
why do you feel the need to phone me at 9 a.m to ask me if i know where you've left your glasses? i haven't been to your house for 2 days! also, please stop telling people i will drop things off at their houses for them, i don't know these people and it's not on my way home. no, they can't leave their kids with me for a couple of hours, either. when i come to yours, please don't whistle. when your whistle hits a high pitch, you sound like your mouth needs a shot of WD40. it's really fucking annoying. oh, by the way, EVERYONE is pissed off with your habit of trying to watch 3 programmes at once. pick one and stop flicking between channels! i don't want to paint your toenails, your feet are crusty at the heels and they sicken me. just because i'm not currently dating anyone, this does not mean i am a lesbian, so please stop telling people that i am. stop wearing those fucking pantsuits, they make you look like an elderly penguin. kick tony the fuck out of your house. he's 37, ffs. let the mental tossnugget take care of himself. if you want to stop arguing with dad, stop going over his head and making him feel like he has no say in his own home.
oh, and stop giving in to jack, you fucking pushover.

one more thing: don't give me fashion advice, your dress sense is truly horrendous.



i'm so, SO glad she'll never read this.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 20:40, 4 replies)