Dear parents everywhere
Your kids are interesting to no one except you and your parents. Not even your brothers and sisters are that bothered by them.

Your kids are not special (unless they're special), they're not gifted, unique, or all those glorious things you hope they'll shine at. They might well have a reading age of 11 at the age of 6. It's really not that much of an achievement.

Every step they take is, like for the rest of us, just one more closer to the final curtain.

The legal age for kids to be in pubs is 14. Yes I know a lot of places say kids welcome. I know a lot of places where you're welcome to take crack, but I don't. Please don't bring them in. They are loud and hideously annoying to everyone else who is there - including other parents - and yes you will get hostile glances and comments, so don't be surprised.

Also - if when you've ignored the above and your miracle runs into my knee as I enter the garden, causing me to spill the three pints I'm carrying all over it, and annoy me even further, then please don't act surprised when I refuse to care that your spawn is wet, and yes that I insist you replace the beer spilt. You and your spawn are very, very annoying, and your spawn shouldn't even be here in the first place. Face up to it and your responsibility - your life is on hold now, mine is not.

Sincerely,

A V
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:34, 17 replies)

*clicked*
I was in a pub in Hackney recently to play bar billiards and some fucking little bastardspawn was amusing himself by pulling all the cues off the machine while I was playing. His parents gave me a wan smile as if to say "Oh, the little dear well, we can't really control him, can we?" I responded with an outburst of the foulest fucking language I could think of - whereupon the mother said "How dare you swear in front of my child!" I responded with "Of course, what was I thinking, swearing like that in a creche? Oh, wait, I'm in a fucking pub, you dozy old shit-for-brains cunt."

My local actually has a sign that says "While we welcome children during the day, after 7pm is adults' time. Take your kids home." I think that's a perfectly acceptable compromise.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:44, closed)

nicely handled

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:53, closed)

you dozy old shit-for-brains cunt
clik
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 12:59, closed)

Not me, but a dear friend with a great line in put-downs,
once let out an audible sigh of disgust (with suitable facial expression) which was noticed by the pond-scum mother who was content to let her kids raise merry hell in the supermarket.

'You got a problem, pal?' she queried.

'Yes I do, actually: if you can't control your grandchildren, you shouldn't take them out in public.'

This led to a very loud, expletive-strewn explanation about her relationship to the children in question. David simply sauntered away. Job done.
( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 22:29, closed)

Bravo ^THIS^
Clicked.

I didn't choose to have kids...you did - so take them out of my way so I can relax, rather than let everyone else worry about them ruining their night so YOU can. cuntbeaks.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:50, closed)

Oh god yes.
*clicked printed out, wanked over and clicked again*
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:53, closed)

Does anyone know where I can buy some cycling shorts?

( Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:56, closed)

me 21 yr old scally boi builder frm Manchesta lukin 2 make sum xtra cash lol
worn me cyclin shorts all day innit nice n swetty m8. gaz me
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:10, closed)

Damn right!
There should be a public information advert for this.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:10, closed)

Oh yes.
I have two young children and I completely agree with ALL of this. I can't stand cunts that throw off their parental shackles in places like this and let their kids become someone else's problem.
(mersault, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:33, closed)

Clickety click
That should be printed, framed and hung in every pub.

By the way I have 2 kids.
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:48, closed)

Yep
me too (2 kids that is), and the OP is spot on.

Sometimes, in the summer I will take my kids in a beer garden, but very, very rarely in the pub (and only for food even then), and never at night.

I hate it when other's kids are running around making it very difficult to actually enjoy myself, so why should I inflict that on anyone else?
(dchurch bah, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 14:17, closed)

KERLICK!
I hate the phrase "child friendly". I am the least child-friendly person I know. I go out of my way to avoid children (they hate me too) but I wouldn't harm one intentionally. I don't go on holiday anywhere where a "kids club" is advertised and I drink in pubs where "drinkers" drink. I'm glad someone else has said it.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 19:21, closed)

I think this should be expanded
to cover trains, buses, resturants, shops, cafes, the revolving door in the office building where I work (yes, this happens a lot as the building I work in is near the town centre. Dear fat-mum that looks like Matt Lucas... this revolving door that could slice off your precious' arm if he caught it in there is not a merry-go-round, get off your fucking mobile phone and take control of him!)

Basically, this should be posted anywhere that parents use a place for adults to relax, shop or travel as a playground for their kids and seem to think that we'll understand that somehow they are powerless to stop a 2ft high noise machine throwing a sugar induced tantrum because you've never said 'no' to them.
(Mmmmminty all the beatles are aliens except for George, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 20:06, closed)

the legal age for kids to be in pubs isnt 14
its license dependent.
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 10:53, closed)

*furious clickage*
I know parenting is a tough job, but I'm not shitting in your patch so kindly return the favour. Ta.
(blueberrypossum wants to Jaffa your Cake, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 14:37, closed)

Clicky Clicky
I'm of the "behaving children are fine, non-behaving children need to go away" end of things. But not replacing lost pints after the kid has run into you? That's just plain twuntery.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:35, closed)

.
Allow me to be the voice of disent here.

I believe that rant was taken word for word from a tea towel bought in Skegness in 1972. It's certainly not very original.

Oh, and should you happen to accidentally spill your beer on my children, we'll mop it up, and you'll skulk back to the bar muttering to yourself, and pony up for 3 more pints yourself. And next time, look where you're fucking going.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 14:15, closed)

Hahahahaha
Considering I wasn't even born in 1972, I think not. I couldn't give a toss if it's original - if I wanted originality I'd inflate spiders and paint them with my own tears. It's the voice of every adult drinker in the pub - see the replies for details.

Your children spill my beer, you pay. It really is that simple. They shouldn't be there in the first place, and they shouldn't be loose if they are, so if they run into my fucking knee, then it's your fault.

No one except you likes your kids. It's a harsh fact, but a true one.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 16:56, closed)