Global warming my arse...
A nutter used to live opposite me. One of those green, lefty types - you know the sort, all recycling, ethically sourced foods and vegetarian.

Usually I'd cross the road to avoid people like that, but this particular one was fit! Fit in a yummy mummy, no male partner and no bra-wearing way. We saw each other every morning, me on my way to work and her attempting the school run with her two-year old strapped precariously to the back of her bicycle. Over the ensuing months we progressed from blatantly ignoring each other to almost friendly nodding terms. At this rate, we might have even found out each other’s names in two-three years time. But that was soon to change…the day I got a new car.

Work had offered me a motor in lieu of a pay rise and as Land Rover was one of our largest clients, I plumped for a gorgeous Range Rover in sumptuous deep-blue, with cream leather seats. It wasn’t strictly my car, I had to hand it back in 18 months and for the short period I owned it, I had to drive around with the company’s logo emblazoned across the rear window. Still, I fucking loved it while it lasted – but my neighbour, she fucking hated it.

She hated it so much, that after only one week of ownership, I found one morning, a note attached to my windscreen. ‘BAD CHOICE OF CAR’ it stated in bold type and then went on to list how I was killing mother-earth with my C02 emissions and evil 4x4 owning ways. I knew it was her; she was the only one on the street with a Green Party sticker in every window. So I folded up her note and posted it back through her letterbox. It re-appeared on the windscreen the next morning.

Then we had our confrontation.

‘How can you buy such a car?’ she inquired one morning, ‘don’t you know you’re killing us all by driving that thing?’

I tried explaining that I hadn’t actually bought it, that it was a benefit-in-kind and that the tiny mileage I was doing wasn’t really going to melt the icecaps. But this wasn’t good enough. She continued to harass me every single day. Her bigoted, awful sound-bite politics drove me mad. Ironically we used to bump into each other whilst doing our recycling. I‘d happily be sorting my plastics from glass, when she’d appear, venomously attacking me, pure hatred in her eyes, believing fully that I was killing her child and her future children with my lovely, gorgeous, deep-blue Range Rover.

So I took to avoiding her. I got up early and missed her on the school run. I did my recycling the day before collection was due. But she kept on with her notes. And I kept on posting them back through her letterbox - why waste paper eh? But the whole thing was making me very angry. She was foisting her beliefs on me and if she hadn't been so attractive and sexy, I would be have been down the copshop making a harassment complaint.

One morning we met again but this time without confrontation. It had snowed shit-loads the night before and we were both outside enjoying the silent beauty of it all. This wasn’t the piddly little snow flurry of recent weeks, this was the proper blizzard of 2009, and for a brief moment, we became mates sharing a wonderful experience. That was until I opened my mouth.

‘Another wonderful globally-warmed day!’ I called across the road. ‘I guess I need to drive around a bit more to melt those icecaps!’

She didn’t find that funny in the slightest. She blurted something back about climate change and extreme weather. I shouted back that it was fucking winter and that was why it was snowing. She slammed her door and I stood outside for a bit then moped back inside. She’d ruined my snowy day.

The next day didn’t see any change in the weather. Another dump had fallen the previous evening and other than the lovely white blanket covering all sins, I was bored of the snow. I had food, I had DVD’s, the office was closed, so I settled in to wait for the thaw. Midway through some boxset, there was a frantic banging at my door. I ambled downstairs to find my neighbour stood outside in nothing more than a night-dress with a wild look in her eyes. Taking time to acknowledge and admire her super-frozen nipples, I prepared myself for the usual environment-related attack. But it didn’t come.

‘I need your help!’ She practically screamed at me. ‘My daughter, something’s wrong with my daughter…I called an ambulance but they can’t get here for an hour. Please help!’

What could I do? I wasn’t a doctor. But I followed her across the road. The little girl was on the couch and was definitely unwell. Her lips were an unsavoury shade of blue and she seemed limp and lifeless. I knew what she wanted me to do, but even in this extreme emergency she couldn’t bring herself to ask.

‘I’ll drive you to the hospital.’ I said. ‘ Wrap her up and I’ll go and grab my keys.’

I ran back to mine, grabbed the keys and bundled them both into the back seats. I fired up the V8 permanent four-wheel drive engine, engaged the diff lock and cautiously pulled away. The car just purred over the snow, finding the solid grip under the powder, the tyres didn’t even spin as I made my way out the driveway. Our local A&E was less than two miles away, but we had to negotiate at least one mile on un-gritted, small residential streets and B roads. Even the main road when we finally made it there was treacherous, all around us were abandoned cars and buses, meaning I had to slowly slalom my way into town.

Within 20 minutes we pulled up to A&E, right up to the door. She fled out the back door and I could see the staff urgently take the baby from her hands. Running back to the car I gave her my mobile number and told her to call me when she needed collecting. She never did.

A few days later, when the pristine snow had turned to muddied sludge, there was another note on my car. It simply said ‘sorry’ and went on to say that her daughter was now fine and out of hospital. It asked me to pop round to she could thank me personally and went on to say how this whole episode was some sort of karmic intervention, that my evil lifestyle and her divine beliefs had come together to save her child’s life.

‘Wow,’ I thought, ‘I might just get to shag her now!’

When I did pop over, she wasn’t there. Nor was she there the next day, or the next. And then new people moved in. And then my Range Rover had to be returned. And then I moved on too. But every time it snows I think of her. I truly believe she moved out just to avoid facing me, to avoid facing the cold, harsh reality that everything she hated, everything she despised and everything she stood for had been slapped back in her face. Her god had proven to be false and her devil had saved her.

tl;dr – bigoted loudmouth forced to eat words, still didn’t get to shag her.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:41, 23 replies)

SEMEN PATEL

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:45, closed)

What the fuck?
What the fuck?

What the fuck?


What the fuck?

Eh?

What the fuck?
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sat 23 Feb 2013, 0:18, closed)

Global warming
doesn't necessarily mean it gets warmer here. The planet as a whole is warming up but it's causing the weather patterns to change causing us to have wetter summers and harsher winters. /devils advocate

But you are right having a 4x4 in the snow is reason enough to own one
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 13:55, closed)

So you're Jeremy Clarkson fuckwit and she's Stella McCartney fuckwit?

All in all everyone loses.
(Shamelesspendant Better dead then smeg., Fri 22 Feb 2013, 14:10, closed)

At the end of the story
you need to ask Simon Bates to play "our tune".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 14:10, closed)

replace range rover with honda accord and this whole story is a lot more believable

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 15:31, closed)

What is your obsession with Honda Accords?
Last week you said the same thing when it was a Golf. Honda Accords would be shite in the snow.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 15:33, closed)

i just think they're very versatile and can be adapted to suit any persona

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 15:53, closed)

Did you ever try pointing out to her that the effect of her having offspring would do more damage to the planet in the long term than you driving a car? I'm sure she would have loved that, especially if you'd chosen to mention it when her baby was sick.
(champagnerocker, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 17:26, closed)

I never thought of that one.
But I'll definitely use it next time I'm confronted with an environmentalist.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 17:35, closed)

Just a shame that it's unlikely she had an email account for you to hack.
She probably thinks computers are evil, too.
( Kroney, Fri 22 Feb 2013, 17:43, closed)

Yeah. Lol. Is it worth reading this or is the same massively over-played wank as every other week?
(anybody who answers this rhetorical question is a cunt)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 23 Feb 2013, 1:00, closed)

Cheers

(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Sat 23 Feb 2013, 2:11, closed)

Or maybe she just didn't want to live near someone
who stared at her "super-frozen nipples" when she was clearly out of her mind with distress. Dunno.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Sat 23 Feb 2013, 2:14, closed)

Aha! Can't you see that's the point!
She detested everything about me. My car, my lifestyle, the fact I objectified her. I was her worst nightmare, a gas-guzzling sexist, a poster boy for all that was wrong with the world.

But yet I saved her. And that screwed up her belief system so deeply, that she had to run from my inevitable, ‘I told you so.’

Either that or maybe I did stare at her nipples just a tad too long.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 23 Feb 2013, 10:36, closed)

Why would there be any need for "I told you so"?
I'm pretty sure if my son was ill and the only way to save him was by enlisting the help of a sub-Clarkson fuckwit, I'd do it. Wouldn't stop the fuckwit being a fuckwit, though.
Anyway, you should have run the fucking hippy over first time she walked out of the door.
(woocfot friends with Sacha Distel, Sat 23 Feb 2013, 12:35, closed)

There's no such thing as bigotry against Land Rover Borrowers.
Just clearing that up.
(Frank Snow, Mon 25 Feb 2013, 18:02, closed)

That is your opinion.
I hope I don't have to rescue you from certain death.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 15:26, closed)

It won't be a problem, because I'm not bigoted against Land Rover Borrowers.

Because that's not a thing.
(Frank Snow, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 16:25, closed)

Enjoy your hypothermia.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 16:38, closed)

Are you saying you wouldn't rescue me?
That's a pretty bigoted way to behave fyi
(Frank Snow, Tue 26 Feb 2013, 16:49, closed)

Aren't you dead yet?

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 9:50, closed)

No.

(Frank Snow, Wed 27 Feb 2013, 12:58, closed)