Hula what now?...

Now, before I continue, I might like to add that I am currently a bit squiffy. Following his successful interview, Captain Placid took me roughly from behind for a liquid lunch that consisted of a bottle or 2 of fortified wine. 'Twas Lully. Oh yeah.

But I've since been dropped off back at work...and have been sat here waiting for the minutes / hours to tick by...I've got no other meetings today...no deadlines...no nowt. Result!

However, I've had an understandable attack of the munchies. A harmless, 'couldn't hurt', case of booze-related hunger pangs...

The cafeteria is shut for the afternoon...therefore I have no other option but to head for the snack machine...

I subsequently fire a metric fuckload of change into said machine and buy a variety of snacks, and...some of those BBQ beef flavour hula-hoops that I pray will sustain me for the next couple of hours...

I then leg it back to my office, open the packet, and what do I find???

They're like fucking TUBES. MASSIVE BASTARD TUBES!! THEY'RE NOT LIKE HULA HOOPS AT ALL! WHO OR WHAT COULD HAVE CAUSED THIS???

I wish I was clever enough to take a photo and upload it, cos these mofos are impressive. I don't know what went on in the Hula-hoop factory when these bastards were made, but...Why me?...Of all the 'ridiculous odds' things to happen to people, why couldn't I just win the lottery? instead of being the recipient of massively weird Hula Hoops? hang on a minute...

What if one of YOU did it?...eh?...you total bastards...feeding my paranoia by singling me out to be the sole recipient of massive fuck-off tube-tastic efforts instead of standard hula-hoops - just to put me on edge.

Whoever did this was an evil genius I reckon. They taste lovely though.

Just my luck to have freaky hula hoops when I'm trying desperately hard to look sober! I can't help myself! I have had to grab everyone in the nearby vicinity and bellow: "LOOK AT THESE FUCKERS!!" before waving a tube-like hula-hoop in the face of any unsuspecting passer-by.


I haven't been here long. The outlook isn't good, is it? They're lucky to have me...aren't they?...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 15:28, 22 replies)

i believe you have bought wheat crunchies

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 15:52, closed)

THAT is FUCKING MENTAL!...

Because I also bought wheat crunchies...Crispy bacon flavour. But I didn't get the two confused - I still stand by my previous Hula Hoop related incident.

But now I'm really paranoid...which desk are you sat at?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 15:53, closed)

see that one with the leg that's always wobbly?
well, it's not that one.....
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 15:59, closed)

If you wrote that all by yourself and are actually "squiffy", then yes, they are very lucky to have you. I work with people that can't write when they're sober!
(CheeseyPeas, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 15:52, closed)

Yep, officially squiffy...

If there was a squiffy-o-meter, I imagine I would rate quite highly on it.

I'm currently on the cup-a-soup now...starting to feel a bit more human again.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 15:56, closed)

Cup-a-Soup is food, it's like a white-collar kebab, you'll be fine.
(CheeseyPeas, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:02, closed)

Don't talk to people though....

They will know!
(CheeseyPeas, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:03, closed)

Top advice...

Thank you!

I also have the fallback that I always talk like some kind of a twat, so hopefully talking like a drunken twat won't stand out quite as much as it would for a normal person.

I've only got about 15 minutes to go then I can leave...Flexitime FTW!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:07, closed)

I'm just pleased that people still use the word 'squiffy'.
Since I turned 15 I've opted for 'cunted'. But that's just me.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 17:13, closed)

Hampered.
Say it out loud,'I'm fucking hampered.' It's great.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 18:13, closed)

Or bolloxed, munted, spangoed, noodled, trashed on a train to fuckton.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 19:35, closed)

hampered
i like
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 9:15, closed)

'bingoed'
or 'bingo citied' is a recently coined one in my local.

I tend to opt for 'buckled' myself.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 21:15, closed)

"Shankered"
is my personal favourite.
(TheImmortalJenkins, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 3:16, closed)

I used to know someone
whose claim it was that adding "-ed" to the end of just about any word would make it appropriate to describe drunkenness; viz trollied, bladdered, mashed - and so on into floored, tabled, cornflaked, and so on.

I quite like "corrugated".
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 8:55, closed)

This is 100% true Mr Enzyme.

( Trollman, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 9:59, closed)

Isn't that a Michael McIntyre skit?

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 12:26, closed)

a k+h
( Pig Bodine., Tue 17 Jan 2012, 12:32, closed)

over served deflects the blame
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 9:20, closed)

oh I'm using this.
sounds better than 'accidentally got drunk'.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 10:21, closed)

Best one of all...

it makes me sound like a cad.

"I'm sorry darling, that you caught me balls deep in those Lithuanian ladyboys, but you see, I was quite disgracefully overserved at the time".

then we'd all laugh and everything would be forgiven
(King Nightmare, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:46, closed)

I've always been rather fond...

of 'piss-tarded'
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 17 Jan 2012, 10:51, closed)