The modern vagina is a many splendored thing.
I don't miss 80s growlers. I knew a girl who was so hirsute it looked like she had the drummer from The Roots in a thigh lock; and it was muskier than an old sports locker.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 15:35, 15 replies)

Lots of my workmates know me as a car bloke who can fix motors
which is how, one cold and wet evening, I got a stressed-out phone call from a colleague. His BMW had broken down on a busy city street, causing serious traffic issues for the other commuters and a headache-inducing phone call from his wife, who wanted to be picked up from work.

I whipped over in my own car to take a look. He popped the bonnet, and presented me with the eyesore that is the modern engine:
* A plastic cover blocking access to anything in the engine bay
* A battery with NO JUMP START warnings, in case it fried the ECU
* No oil dipstick, because there's a sensor for that now
* A great big diagnostics port instead of direct access to the components

So all my spanners and multimeters and years of experience were pretty much useless, and all he could do was call a towtruck before we went to pick his wife up.

The final outcome? A dead sensor had crippled the engine. Exactly the sort of modern technology that is supposed to improve a 100-year-old design had stopped the whole bloody thing working, and left the owner stranded. It took an exorbitant repair bill and some BMW-specific tooling to get the thing fixed, plus some Nurofen to fix the earache his wife gave him over buying a 3-year-old "prestige" motor.

I know driving a 20+ year old car isn't for everyone, but my rattly old 80s BMW has proved more sturdy, more reliable and cheaper to run than any of our company's fleet vehicles. It's got leather seats and aircon, keeps up with modern traffic and does 30mpg. And you don't need a laptop and thousands of pounds of software to fix it when it does go wrong.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 8:10, 33 replies)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 18 Jul 2015, 20:44, 4 replies)

( Zuowan, Sun 19 Jul 2015, 15:09, 15 replies)

Long, disjointed waffle
Modern life is great, despite is pressures - work, mortgage, kids. We have ever advancing technology, healthcare, entertainment wherever and whenever we like. We have the internet, we have mobile phones, we can connect with people on a global basis at the touch of a button. Yup, life is good. Yet despite all this we have lost touch of so much due to the amount of information that we can access. Sit back, this could be a long one.

When I was a wee little pickle I could roam the streets at will until the street lights came on or mummypickle could be heard bellowing in the distance. As I grew up I started reading the news a little bit and learnt that Alsatians where a bit dangerous. My mate had Alsatians and they were soft as shit, but all of a sudden they were dangerous. Next up came Dobermans and rottweilers - dangerous buggers. Again, I never had any problems with either breed but now they were something to fear. Nowadays it’s the chavs favourite breed, staffies, who we are told are the devil’s own canines. Really? I've never been bit by one. I got bit of a beagle once. I don't see the media making a big deal about hounds??? No. Dogs aren’t dangerous but according to the media they kill ALL the children!. I’ve been bitten by pet mice more than I’ve ever been bitten by dogs!

The media and social media would also have us believe that peados are everywhere and that the streets are a danger for our youth so we have kids who don’t play out anymore. They stay in and get chubby instead thus causing more media sensationalism about the rise of obese kids. No shit Mr Mirror Group! That’s because you’ve told all the parents to be too fucking scared to let their little cherubs play out anymore!!!

I’ve not got mad cow disease yet despite eating god know how many shithouse burgers. I drank all sorts of weird concoctions made out of all sorts of sugar filled shite. I drank fruit juice, I ate sweets and I still have all my own teeth. Scientists like to tell us how bad all these things are, and but in moderation is there really a problem? There is now due to the instant access to information that tells us everything we eat or drink is going to give us the bad death!!!

I remember having being amazed at the Iranian girl who started at my primary school. She couldn’t speak English but she learnt because we helped her. We learnt why she was here, she taught us a little of her culture and she was pretty cool. I remember at the time (early 80s) that the IRA were rather active but in my childhood innocence they were naughty men. Now, I’m sure that some adults of the time thought in terms of IRA=Irish therefore Irish=IRA therefore all Irish are bad. I remember the “invasion” of Eastern Europeans coing over here to take all our jobs. Nowadays it’s the Muslims. They come here claiming our benefits, taking our jobs, raping our kids and fucking shit up. Only they don’t. However with the rise of the internet hate groups are able to spread easier than ever before. Your average neo-nazi is no longer that dodgy skinhead, he’s your work colleage brainwashed by the bullshit that can be found at the touch of a button and spread via social media. Growing up I had a vague understanding of who the National Front were; a tiny minority (a few x1000?) skinheads. Now we have Britain First and due to the power of social media the far right have a platform to reach millions hence the growth of intolerance. When I was little I didn't give a shit whoe you were, where you came from or if your skin was pink/blue/purple/gold. If you liked He-Man and Star Wars everything was fine.

Modern life is great. I can find information on anything with a few keystrokes. I can find the most beautiful pictures in the world. I can read up on any subject I like whenever I like. I can speak to my son on the other side of the world. I have a choice of 100s of tv channels, radio stations, I don’t have to wait for my computer games to load up from a tape. Modern life rocks, but despite all this I miss the olden days. I miss my ignorance of world events. I miss not knowing of the hatred that is so easily spread. I miss not caring about politics and economics.

I miss the olden days. I miss my innocence.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 16:10, 2 replies)

You could....
....leave your front door open, without fear of a Romanian/Syrian/Italian/ISIS/BBC presenter* raping your kids, whilst eating a wagon wheel as big as your head and listening to songs on the radio that had words, and still have change for 20 Players No6, a fish supper, and a pint of mild and be home for 11:30 to see the TV on all three channels turn into nothingness from a white dot.

*BBC Presenter would probably have raped your kids, but it was acceptable back then**

**and even today in Yorkshire
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 13:03, 3 replies)

Porn.
The beautiful discovery of a black bin bag filled with damp jizz discoloured jazz mags in the bushes near the subway you knocked around under as kids.

When my son is old enough I am going to have to go and stage a scenario where by he can discover pornography the same way I did, rather than typing xhamster into Google.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:53, 27 replies)

Reality TV
*unlurks*
Yesterday I heard the theme from the TV show Fame (it was big in the 80s, kids). I remembered the bit at the start where the teacher said, "You want fame? Well fame costs, and right here is where you start paying". Sadly, it's not like that any more. People used to need talent to get on TV. Now any dickhead can get on Big Brother (I'm sure other reality shows are available, but I don't care).
Moan over.
*relurks*
(Tont, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 12:49, 5 replies)

Sky/Cable
Years ago - if you watched the Discovery Channel - you discovered something. Whereas now its people buying storage containers and getting angry with each other.... or looking for gold. The Editing of which is a series of reviews: Start the show, a review of whats coming up, followed by 2 mins of content, then an add break, reviewing what we've just seen, and whats coming up next. when the ad's are over a review of what part 1 contained, and why Part 2 will be tense... and so on.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 13:40, 10 replies)

I miss the early days of internet porn
When amateur porn was made by amateurs and there was always something new.
A jpg would take over a minute to download. You could watch it come in line by line from top to bottom.
I was half way through a wank anticipating a superb climax as it cranked down to the money shot, but then it turns out the chick had a dick. Woo-hoo.
I still get a bit stiff whenever I hear a dial up initiation tone.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 19 Jul 2015, 14:43, Reply)

www.collarspace.com/default.asp?o=11&v=2068658&bhcp=1
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 19 Jul 2015, 10:21, 6 replies)

There's not much I miss about my childhood
However, there's several things about modern life that stick in my craw.
Celebrities who are famous for being famous - no discernible talent, no real charisma just the luck to be put through the celeb mill and hyped to the rafters by gossip mongers. Following on from that....
Gossip mags. I'm sure there weren't glossy magazines full of pictures and speculation about non-people when I was young. These mind-meltingly-mediocre wastes of tree pulp run me into my third, and biggest disappointment about modern life.....
Celebration of stupidity. It's now OK to be thicker than a whale omelette. It's more socially acceptable than actually being intelligent, curious about your world and the people in it and having a critical mind.
It's probably my age but I'm now past believing that this will end. It'll be just like 'Brave New World' very soon. I just hope I'm graded as a Beta.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 16:36, 4 replies)

I'm no Luddite, but there's a few things I miss
Non-smart phones: As in, you could contact people, but you couldn't, for example, settle an argument by going on Wikipedia from the pub, or keep checking your Facebook whilst in the middle of a conversation with someone. Because those things have become universal and they're really annoying.

Reading a map/asking people for directions: I actually quite enjoy managing to negotiate my way around new places, working out how to get from A to B, etc. I also like feeling like a helpful and knowledgeable local when someone who's lost asks me how to get somewhere. Phones and Sat navs have ruined it a bit. Also, you don't get the sort of conversations middle-aged men at parties used to really enjoy, about whether you should take the third or first junction off the A3009 if you were trying to avoid roadworks near Trumpington whilst taking a short cut between Ribblesthwaite and Upper Shittingly.

Under-age drinking: I feel a bit sorry for the younger generation nowadays with a lot of shops and pubs cracking down, and all the ID-ing everyone under 25 nonsense. When I were a lad, you had about a 50:50 chance of being able to buy a 1.5 litre bottle of Strongbow and 20 Silk Cut if you went into the Spar when you were 17 and just tried to act nonchalant. I can't help but feel it was a happier time.

Proper news: I don't want to read a rolling live blog about the latest EU Crisis Conference telling me Angela Merkel's nipped out for a dump during the break. I don't want an update every 15 minutes via Sky News from a reporter standing outside a hospital, telling me there's no news as yet on whether the royal baby's been born. I want to consume my news in a convenient format, where they explain what's happened in one go and the sum total of what we know so far, at a single point every day.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:41, 14 replies)

the anticipation of going to pick up your photographs after having them developed
that was cool. you don't get that with your iphone 6.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 12:10, 24 replies)

Modern TV is so scared of scaring us.
As a kid I was traumatised on a regular basis by public information films like "Protect and Survive" (You wouldn't) or Dark and Lonely Water (you will drown in the canal) or Apaches (you will drown in a slurry pit on a farm).

For fun you could watch the creepiest kids TV show ever; "The children of the stones" or in the evening Hammer House of Horror - where you might catch a supernatural murder and some ladies bosoms.

As a snack you could eat Smiths Crisps Horror Bags and tuck yourself in with a Pan book of horror.

Kids today would be ringing the ambulance chasers suing for "emotional distress", from their own iPhones, no doubt.
(The Eightball Says Yes, Thu 23 Jul 2015, 12:04, 9 replies)

Americanisation of the English language - and the selfie generation
.
.
I was told yesterday that a colleague was on "Vacation".
Since when did anybody go on a "vacation" and when did my coffee become "Regular"?
Why can't the coffee ponce admit it's a small cup?
Don't get me started on "like". "It was, like amazing." Well was it amazing? Or did it just have a semblance of amazing?
.
.
I grew up when people demonstrated against the government, boycotted foodstuffs and wanted to engage with life politically and socially. Modern youth blindly accept everything - the only way to get them irate would be to turn off their wifi so they can't post a picture of their own faces to their friends every five minutes.
(The Eightball Says Yes, Thu 23 Jul 2015, 11:40, 4 replies)

When I was a lass growing up in a small town..
It was perfectly acceptable to talk to the single middle aged man who didn't have kids but always had sweets, he wasn't "creepy" he was "excentric".
It was the 90's and I was a young teen, I grew up on the streets, hanging out in the woods behind my house until at least 9.30pm. We had the obligatory stash of dirty mags in our hideout, that one friends older brother who would buy us Mad Dog 20/20 which we drank until we were sick.
When I was 17 a friend and I used to work in the town and go to the only pub that would let us in after work because we sat at the back lamenting on how shit our lives were then going home steaming to dodge the parental and get to bed.
Now I'm in my 30's and I don't go out to the pub anymore. I sit at home with my husband and we pick a film to listen to whilst we use our phones.
So I miss the times when we didn't have phones, it deffo made me more socialable.
tl:dr underage drinking, lack of stranger danger and small town psychosis
(SgtSoaps roller skating your way, Wed 22 Jul 2015, 12:07, 11 replies)

Getting around was more fun before everyone had cars.
When I were a lass, young men would have a moped for a while, then get a 125 Suzuki, pass their motorbike test and buy an old Triumph to take apart in a resigned but manly fashion every weekend.
Or they could unsportingly take out a crippling finance plan for a Japanese bike that actually started every day and got them to work.

These days everyone seems to have a car. I didn't learn to drive until I was 30 and had several kids. Before then I'd walk or cycle everywhere and was as fit as a flea. I suspect this applies to a lot of people.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 8:08, 1 reply)

sherbet fountains
what the fuck happened to them? bought one a few month ago, there was about half an inch of sherbet in it. i used to love those things, but that disappointed me. i'm not even going to try buying a dipdab.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 18 Jul 2015, 14:35, 6 replies)

I agree

(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 15:23, 2 replies)

Farm animals would just appear
I remember a period of absurdly-lax fence and gate management when I was young, which meant dangerous dogs and psychotic roosters would sometimes lope past, but also meant friendly goats, horses, and cows would just magically appear outside your doorstep. You could learn useful things like how to appease animals and avoid attack through trial-and-error.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 17 Jul 2015, 13:54, Reply)