Lots of my workmates know me as a car bloke who can fix motors
which is how, one cold and wet evening, I got a stressed-out phone call from a colleague. His BMW had broken down on a busy city street, causing serious traffic issues for the other commuters and a headache-inducing phone call from his wife, who wanted to be picked up from work.

I whipped over in my own car to take a look. He popped the bonnet, and presented me with the eyesore that is the modern engine:
* A plastic cover blocking access to anything in the engine bay
* A battery with NO JUMP START warnings, in case it fried the ECU
* No oil dipstick, because there's a sensor for that now
* A great big diagnostics port instead of direct access to the components

So all my spanners and multimeters and years of experience were pretty much useless, and all he could do was call a towtruck before we went to pick his wife up.

The final outcome? A dead sensor had crippled the engine. Exactly the sort of modern technology that is supposed to improve a 100-year-old design had stopped the whole bloody thing working, and left the owner stranded. It took an exorbitant repair bill and some BMW-specific tooling to get the thing fixed, plus some Nurofen to fix the earache his wife gave him over buying a 3-year-old "prestige" motor.

I know driving a 20+ year old car isn't for everyone, but my rattly old 80s BMW has proved more sturdy, more reliable and cheaper to run than any of our company's fleet vehicles. It's got leather seats and aircon, keeps up with modern traffic and does 30mpg. And you don't need a laptop and thousands of pounds of software to fix it when it does go wrong.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 8:10, 33 replies)

Technology isn't always for the better, personally I have an issue with all the computer assistance that drivers now have.
Automatic collision avoidance systems, automatic braking if you've nodded off to jolt you awake, automatic lights if it's getting a bit dark, etc etc. It doesn't matter if you're forgetful or can't drive, we'll do it all for you. And yet some people don't like the idea of Google cars because they do EVERYTHING for you.

Make everyone go back to driving an upturned pram, that's what I say. Plus you can probably fix it with parts salvaged from a passing lawnmower.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 8:20, closed)

I'd like a spartan car with manual windows, basic seats, no aircon and very limited safety equipment
But with a modern econoboost engine. Not built for power or speed, but to see whether you can get 100mpg out of it.

A ropey 1.6D Ford Escort from 1986 used to get 71mpg. Surely with a modern motor that car could go on forever.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 8:51, closed)

Feasible to build your own?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 8:58, closed)

Physically possible, but not economically viable.
You'd probably have to transfer the entire vehicle wiring from the donor car (a newish Fiesta?) to the old car as well as fabricate a complete exhaust system. Lots of work. You'd be better off just trying to remove 240kg from the Fiesta.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 9:04, closed)

Take out the engine and you're halfway there!

( Peej, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 9:12, closed)

Tuning diesels for max economy
will cause them to pump out NOx like crazy.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 12:21, closed)

Which is bad news
Since the psychoactive substances bill made them illegal
( Greenbat, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 0:11, closed)

Agreed
My old VW is 21 years old, cost me £20 to get it through the MOT and I can do most of the work myself despite being a novice. My wife's new Clio I wouldn't have a clue.
( Peej, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 8:36, closed)

new
o t

ahahaha
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 9:11, closed)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

( Peej, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 9:13, closed)

Comedy Gold and no mistaking

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 9:39, closed)

BMW have for at least 18 years instructed owners to jump start or charge the battery from + and - on the
Engine.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 9:56, closed)

Yeah, on the engine bay terminals rather than the battery in boot
So that you risk frying the fuseable link in the live cable, whereas if you jump from the battery you can fry from the ECU. The only reliable cures for a flat battery are a trickle-charge or a battery replacement.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 10:17, closed)

I replaced the exhaust on my astra using concrete blocks as axle stands.
The neighbours didn't seem impressed at my street mechanic skills.

They were even less impressed at my leaving a Saab to rot under a tree for about 9 months before I got round to replacing the power steering hose.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 12:12, closed)

Cars are rubbish.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 12:19, closed)

hush now, your retardation is showing again.

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 12:35, closed)

Yeah? Well you have a poo face.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 13:50, closed)

Not all of us are addicted to the smell of Swarfega and WD40
I appreciate that if you have the skill, time and inclination, then greasing your nipples on a three-monthly basis could be a pleasant pastime and potentially save a lot of money.

Having owned old cars and with little mechanical nous, however, I'm very glad that I can rely on my 6-year-old car to start first time and to not be half-composed of iron oxide and filler yet.

If you get a good old car, then they're great things, but the problem was always the variability in quality - there were plenty of dogs out there, especially if they were built in Britain. Or France. Or Italy.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Mon 20 Jul 2015, 13:51, closed)

It's not 1970 anymore gramps. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll stop being terrified of technological progress.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 15:01, closed)

It's not really progress if modern cars use just as much fuel as ones from 30 years ago
and still break down as often, only now you can't fix them by the roadside like you used to.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 16:38, closed)

Cars are rubbish.
But according to The Internet the average fuel consumption for passenger cars has increased from 24.3 to 36.0 between 1980 and 2013.

Maybe if you washed the grease off your hands you'd learn how to Google.
(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 16:58, closed)

How is "... the average fuel consumption for passenger cars ..." derived?
Things like 4.2L Jaguars and the like are much, much, more economic than they were in 1980 -- from something like (19mpg to 40mpg combined I would guess). So that allows the more common family car a good bit of leeway if you're going by model and not "per million cars".
Even if you are going "per million cars" the prices of petrol meant all kinds of gas-guzzlers were rife but that doesn't mean that a decent family car, for example was any less economical.
Personally, I would expect fuel consumption to have gone down, generally, across all cars but the figure quoted is pretty meaningless unless one wants to show just how expensive using petrol is nowadays.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 21:26, closed)

To be fair, the best selling car in the UK was a Ford Cortina
which did an average of 29-32mpg. In 2013 the best-selling car was the Ford Fiesta, which does a decent 45mpg and can go over 60mpg if you treat it gently.

But the modern trend of driving glorified tanks around with little Erin or Jemima in the back fucks all that up quite a lot, as you say.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Wed 22 Jul 2015, 6:04, closed)

I can't believe you want me to compromise the safety of Denby and Persephone, you monster.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Wed 22 Jul 2015, 8:46, closed)

I reckon increased fuel efficiency has been cancelled out by the obligatory everything-proof reinforced roll cage and armour plating,
so when you're taking the little darlings 5 minutes down the road to their primary school in your fucking 9 seater sumo carrier, hit a speedbump at 45 and somehow turn the thing on its roof, they won't even get a scratch.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 17:44, closed)

Surely you just plugged your EOBD (30 pounds on Amazon) into the socket and told him what the problem was.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 20:27, closed)

30mpg?
It's not often that I lol, but that made me lol.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 20 Jul 2015, 22:41, closed)

Anything more frugal is basically communism

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 7:07, closed)

The main reason I got shot of the Multipla was it's inability to get much more than 30mpg.
I can take some comfort from knowing it was still better than a beemer.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 14:01, closed)

I always wondered what sort of downtrodden loser bought those.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 14:31, closed)

I'd never have gotten all five of us into a Honda Accord, Doc.
Not comfortably, anyway.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 15:26, closed)

Yup - pretty much this
My all singing, all dancing Merc had a failed alternator. It took them sooo long to find that out because there was NO sensor. A keen eyed older mechanic just started at the beginning and worked his way through the available electrics until he found the fault. Mercedes then refused to believe it was at fault because it could never have been so. Getting the part was therefore fraught with some challenges...
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Tue 21 Jul 2015, 22:06, closed)