Amnesia and wildlife
Some years ago I was working with a great bunch of guys who were the epitome of the 'work hard, play a billion times harder' ethos.
We'd secured a mahoosive contract to supply a large Danish company with some serious hardware and, as I was the 'Engineer' of the company it fell to me to be there when it arrived - fuck knows why, I wasn't doing anything to it but hey ho.
I'd been on the lash with the guys in the departure airport for quite a while whan the flight was called and I was 'quite refreshed'. Luckily I was allowed on to the plane into first class, whereupon I was given more booze. And then more booze - rinse and repeat.
The plane was then diverted to Schipol - where I hit the complimentary (at the time - dunno if it's free now) first-class bar. An hour later, now 'heavily refreshed' I got on a plane to Copenhagen.
On bumbling out of baggage claim in Copenhagen I was at a loose end for a while until the car we'd re-booked could come for me.
I don't remember getting from Copenhagen to Roskilde. I don't remember booking into the hotel. I don't remember getting to my room.
I DO remember waking up thinking I'd got a Somali refugee camp in my mouth and a drummer's convention in my head. In my bleary state I looked for a familiar room landmark to let me have at least an idea of which country I was in. Luckily there was a brochure from the hotel on the nightstand next to a polystyrene box bound with blue tape that clearly I'd put there the previous night.
I opened it.

There was a lobster inside.

I looked again.

Still a lobster.

Where the fuck did I get a lobster? WHY the fuck did I have a lobster on my nightstand?
I had not a scooby, no frickin' idea.
I closed the box, went for breakfast and waited for my car to the factory, brooding on the fact that I had a/ clearly bought a lobster and b/ what the fuck was I doing with it?
I gave it to the hotel kitchen. They looked at me like I was a pissed Englishman trying to pass off a lobster to them - and they were right.
All was revealed when my lift came. It's not easy to raise the subject of random lobsters on your nightstand - to a man who has only just met you - but raise it I did.
Apparently there are lobster salespeople in Copenhagen airport who sell lobsters to travellers. I'd bought one and promptly forgotten, Thank god I didn't think it was a kebab!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 10:59, 20 replies)

Mucho Lollage...

Did you get to eat it afterwards? Lobster is lully.

Have a screaming boiled click sir.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 11:12, closed)

BTW - you missed out my favourite part of that story...

I suppose it's difficult to turn into type but when you told it to me yesterday (in the pub - what are the odds?), you mentioned there was a lobster in the box, then casually continued: "It was dead....Oooh, at least I think it was dead...can't remember for sure..."

I must apologise to the good people sat opposite whom I sprayed with vodka as I promptly spat it all over them

*hearty clickage*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 11:17, closed)

Hahahaha
I'd already clicked, but this just makes it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 11:59, closed)

^^ This ^^

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:04, closed)

Sprayed vodka?
I thought you were more a white wine spritzer type PF.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:10, closed)

Nah mate - I'm like....PROPAH SOPHIS' NOW!!!...

It wasn't even Tesco Value Vodka either! this time anyway - it usually is*

However, in your honour I may ressurrect my love of poncey cheap plonk for this afternoon's Boozathon.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:16, closed)

It was expensive triple smirnoff is what it was... I know as I paid!
(nikg33 waiting for the weekend, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:20, closed)

Thank you...

FYI, could you spike a little less Rohypnol in it next time please? The poor chap who found me face down in the toilets with my grundies round my ankles had the shock of his life!

Didn't stop him bumming me though :(

*stings*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:37, closed)

I can neither confirm nor deny that I may or may not have been party to the bumming
I refer the right honourable gentleman to the answer given some moments ago
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 13:39, closed)

I was actually wondering that
Cheers for clearing it up! :p
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:11, closed)

oh fucking hell.
is this week going to be another four-way wankfest with all you Best Friends In Real Life? please advise.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 12:54, closed)

Don't worry Janet...

Maybe one day you'll have some friends and you won't feel the need to eek out your jealous ramblings in such a fashion..

Then again, maybe not.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 13:15, closed)

*eke
that aside, shitscab, all these stories are funnier without the bandwagonning that follows...
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 13:23, closed)

2 things...

Firstly, Shitscab! Arf! Please consider that taxed.

Secondly, Thank you for explaining why I don't get many replies to my posts - it must be down to the tinterwebz obvious fear of bandwagonning!* Phew! I was getting worried there...


as opposed to the fact that everything I do is utter shite. However, I choose to not believe that
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 14:12, closed)

Zing!

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 14:14, closed)

Don't Start...

I think that Jamjar considers us: 'Best Friends In Real Life' Despite the fact that we've never met before...

(Me stalking you doesn't count, right?)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 14:21, closed)

ahahahahahahaha, brilliant!
fancy a pint?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 14:18, closed)

YES!
Even though the question wasn't directed at me - yes, I would like a pint!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 14:21, closed)

Count me in!

Woo!


Perhaps at this juncture, I should add that I have already had a couple and may require a lift home.

*cue everyone fucking off...making excuses and leaving Pooflake to either walk or take the Sunshine bus home*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 14:21, closed)

Depends if we can find a bar with big enough seats for you janet.
The U.K is way behind America in their compassion towards people of your size and girth.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 27 Apr 2012, 15:12, closed)