Slightly off topic but neighbours were involved and I've been wanting to tell this for ages.
*pop* and it's a bit of a long one but bring it on it is also 100% true.

Five years ago is going out with a lovely if slightly shy girl we shall call Amy for that is her name. Her parents were very posh types and while they were always polite to me I'm fairly sure they saw right through my facade and genuinely believed I was satan's spawn leading their daughter astray! On a fateful night this opinion could only have been strengthened.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Wavy lines~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were on our way to some asstard's party (her friends held a similar opion of me to her parents) and it was fancy dress. Usually these are not my favourite as I have limited creative skills and end up going as 'backwards man'. However Amy was a pattern cutter and had made quite superb complimentary costumes, I was an airline pilot complete with hat and aviators and she was resplendent in a trolley dolly uniform and matching heavy makeup.

Upon our arrival my heart sank even further the venue was even more of a fetid shithole than I had imagined and to add insult to injury we didn't even have the place to ourselves, the venue's yoof football team was drinking in the bar and making advances at anything that moved.

I was however pleasently surprised to find Pete (another of the girlie gang's 'dangerous' boyfriends), while the girls cooed over each other outfits and the DJ spun the lastest chart bollocks we sloped off to the bar to make the evening more interesting as best we knew how.

It started with lagers, then a round of tequilas, then one of us decided this was pacing ourselves too much and we should drink depth charges of said tequila to be more efficient!

This continued, we were arseholed and some dubious fun was had on the dancefloor (I truly beleive I am chanelling the late great MJ when drunk) I nipped off to the toilet to uncoil some of that age old cocktail we were drinking.

***********All Goes Black******************
N.B. All events from this point on are pieced together and corroborated by eye witnesses

After 20 minutes or so the girlfriend gets worried and start looking for me, when I'm nowhere to be found she checks outside and is informed I had wandered down the path to 'find some cunting drugs'.

I never got that far, I was asleep face down in the middle of the road just outside the venue. Amy manages to get me upright enough that she can half drag me back to the venue and bundle me into one the car of an unsuspecting parent of a friend.

Sortly into the journey I recover enough composure to lean my head through into the front and scream'CUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTT' at said parent for taking me away from the party, this continued despite any protests for the entire 20 minute trip. Upon our arrival at amy's house I decided that rather than let her open the door I was going to force my way in, I made so much noise that her NEIGHBOURS(bear in mind this is a large detached house) phone the police suspecting an extremely incompetant burglar.

After explaining to the police that I was simply a fuckwit and not a theif and with them distracting me enough for her to open the door I marched into the house, proceeded directly to the upstairs bathroom where I deemed my trousers and boxer shorts (but not my shoes) unnecessary and sprayed the perimeter of the room like a dog marking it's territory and to cap it all off I left a beutiful steaming present in the bath.

With my life's mission complete I stumbled into the hallway and passed out sunny side up on the landing. It was at this point that Amy's very posh mother opened her bedroom door to see what the fuss was all about, and she saw exactly what all the fuss is about(even if I do say so myself)dressed beutifully in the top half of a pilots uniform (including the hat)

To her credit she simply covered me with a towel and started to clean the bathroom (it's all in the breeding) and so you might think my story ends but nay as if to add insult to injury, I once again sprang to life and made the dash to Amy's third floor room and my made myself comfortable in her single bed while adding to it my own special blend of urine and feces.

**************************The lights come on************************

I awoke the next morning to find Amy sat at the foot of the bed in a sleeping bag her eyes wide open in what can only be described as a glare. My response to this was to utter the immortal line

'what's up hon'

Despite trying to sneak out before having to see her parents they caught me and to their undying credit they simply asked if I was feeling better.

I kept seeing Amy for nearly 3 years after that and they did grow to love me.

Apologies for length? Her mum didn;t seem to mind.
(gloden, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 13:43, 10 replies)

am I the only person who hasn't shat and pissed all over the place when drunk?
I've consumed a vast amount of booze in my time, and not even come close to my soiling myself or my surroundings.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 14:13, closed)

Me neither

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 14:27, closed)

it disturbs me how many people have though
but then, I've never been in a fight either.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 14:36, closed)

You are me.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 14:46, closed)

I let a tide of slurry miss the toilet by mere inch's once,
but although drunk - I was fully aware of what I was doing, I blame pound a pint theakstons.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 14:53, closed)

In the storyteller's own words
"It's all in the breeding."

Hope that helps.
( Scrumper, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 14:43, closed)

I don't believe you
to be fair I didn't actually soil myself.

And if you can honestly tell me that you've never been drunk and pissed in the street or similar then I might believe that you've never soiled your surroundings

J
(gloden, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 15:00, closed)

a little poetic licence
I've nipped down a dark alley for a slash on a few occasions, or taken a piss under a tree.

hardly the same thing as "spraye[ing] the perimeter of the room like a dog marking it's territory and to cap it all off [leaving] a beutiful steaming present in the bath."
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 15:04, closed)

I've been very, very drunk
And I've never lost control of my bodily functions. Apart from the function of vomming.
(Toucan - http://www.titmonday.com, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 15:55, closed)

I once...
...witnessed some one achieve the tripple crown of shit, piss and sick.

his response to it the next day was a simple, "when you shit you piss."
(fearsome mumbler is shit at telling stories, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 17:30, closed)