Desperate to impress...
Hello hello. Long time stalker, first time talker.
I worked in a scabby little nightclub in a scabby little town for far too long, and I've forgotten more horrible things than most people would want to see. A woman bumping uglies with a random guy while her husband searched for her, pints of vomit, violent people, obnoxious people, stupid people and more poo-related stories than I care to mention (although I might dredge my memory later and tell you about them. Everyone likes poo stories).
However, I thought I'd humiliate myself here, this being my first post and all.
I was once an 18 year old glass collector with a silly beard and greasy hair, and I was desperate to impress the hot barmaid Ethel (name changed). This club had two floors, and every time I worked downstairs an annoying older couple would stand at the end of the bar, drinks on the hatchway, and lean back ever-so-slightly whenever I wanted to get past. He looked like Brian May, she had a man's haircut, and neither of them had any manners.
For this reason I used to love working upstairs. Better music, no annoying couple and the lovely Ethel's company. One night, however, it all went wrong.
I happened to glance up and see that the annoying twunt couple had migrated from their usual spot downstairs and had assumed the exact same position at the end of the top bar. I sighed audibly and frowned, and Ethel noticed this and asked what was wrong.
"Oh, there's just some people here that piss me off, that's all" says I.
"Who is it?" says Ethel. "If they're being an arse get them kicked out"
"It's not that they're being arses, it's just that they always stand in the way and they don't move when I ask them to, and, well... he always wears the same clothes and she looks like a bloke..."
"Who do you mean?" I nod in the direction of the Brian May-alike and his man-girl.
"Oh" says Ethel, "that's my mum and her boyfriend! Hey mum!"
My eyes expand to roughly the size of dinner plates, my eyebrows disappear off the top of my head and my sphincter threatens to throw open the doors and kick everyone out.
"No" I stutter, "I mean... uh..."
As I look desperately around the room I realise there's no-one else around for a good 15 feet.
By now the man-woman is waving vigourously in our direction, and the only way out is past them, so I lower my head and push past them. I hid in the kitchen for the rest of the night.
Turns out they were lovely people, and I got to see Ethel's magical private piercing. It was in a jewellery box.

Length? A good two feet and curly, but hers was short and spiky.

If anyone out there really wants the poo stories harass me in the replys
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 17:40, 10 replies)

WANT!
POO!

STORIES!

THE NOO!

That is all.
(TheSpode has little toe-hats., Wed 8 Apr 2009, 19:41, closed)

Poo stories
Poo stories. Poo stories. POO STORIES.
(Zupper, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 21:46, closed)

Poo stories!
Worked as a glass collector myself, and feel your pain!
(HorusUK livin' the Vida Loca since, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 21:58, closed)

*harasses*
peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewp.
(Scritty Bakerman., Wed 8 Apr 2009, 22:04, closed)

Aye, gie us some stories o' the poop.
Cheers in advance.
(Helixdaunting, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 1:43, closed)

I am apooplexed as to where the
poo stories are? Poo, Now, Please!
( Herman Blume is unique, just like everyone else, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 15:30, closed)

Poo stories!

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:16, closed)

!!!
Woo, jeez, give me time, I'm a busy man y'know... cough
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 18:23, closed)

Consider yourself harrassed.
Make with the poopy!
(David CopAFeel Used to be The_Elcat - Spouting crap since 1970., Mon 13 Apr 2009, 8:47, closed)

The poopy
is here.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 14 Apr 2009, 19:17, closed)