Tell us about the shag you didn't have because you blew it...literally
Back when that bastard Icelandic volcano erupted, I found myself stuck in Hamburg - really fucking stuck. After countless hours milling around the airport terminal, BA finally decided to arrange hotel accommodation. Nearly two hours of chaos and confusion later, I was allocated a room in the decidedly shabby Hotel Ibis

At hotel reception, 100's of people in dozens of languages, harassed and harried the poor staff until finally, I was given a key and collapsed onto the only single bed in my room. I then attempted to take a shower in the piss-poor 'bathroom' - but of course, there was no hot water, as the hotel was full to bursting and everyone was attempting to wash at the same time. Cue 100's more people charging downstairs to harangue the poor receptionists some more.

I decided to retire to the bar.

A few strong lagers later and I was feeling slightly better about my situation. I didn't have to be back in Blighty urgently and after hearing reports from around Europe, I knew I was lucky to even have a hotel room. And then I met the lovely Anke. And things got even better.

We chatted for a while about our situation, amused ourselves debunking national stereotypes - for a German she was very funny and for a Brit I have perfect teeth - and generally passed the time, happy in each other's company. When the bar emptied, I let slip that I had a decent single-malt from duty free and suggested we retire upstairs to sample it. As we'd already complained about our rooms, she knew I had a single bedroom, whilst she'd been allocated a double - and we agreed there'd be far more room in hers. I was most definitely in.

I grabbed the Glenlivet, some ice from the machine and was at her door in less than funf Minuten! We chatted some more, really began to relax and then the moment arrived. I leaned over, ostensibly to grab another cigarette, and in one deft movement our heads were millimeters apart, she looked up at me, blinked twice and we kissed. So far, so good. But the lagers had caught up with me, so I gently pulled away and entered the wonderfully appointed Hotel Ibis bathroom. I'd almost started to piss, when my body told me a dump was also going to be required. So I dropped my trousers and began my completely not at all OCD 'away from home toilet ritual' - a simple, thorough cleansing of the seat, followed by the careful laying of a further 'paper seat' on top.

I looked for a towel, there were none. I looked for some toilet paper, there was none. Not even a fucking bath mat. The place was bare, save for Anke's unopened toiletry bag. I took a long look at the toilet seat, it wasn't too bad, plasticky and very worn...but not too bad. I ventured down for a closer inspection - and lucky I did, as sitting there proudly was a single, very dark and curly pube. No matter, I thought, I'll simply blow it away. So I bent down even lower and puffed at the nasty thing. It didn't move. So I crouched right down, head almost touching the seat and gave another, colossal lung-filled burst of air. Nothing. But I needed a shit! So I blew and I blew and I blew. So much so that I failed to notice Anke standing in the doorway.

When I did clock her, she simply stared at me, an English bloke sat on the floor, trousers round ankles and to all intents and purposes, sniffing hard at a toilet seat. Her eyes said it all. Her famous German humour deserted her. A quick flick of her head towards the door meant my opportunity had gone. I sheepishly pulled my trousers up and slipped away. There was no explanation I could give.

I never saw her again at the hotel. But I know she still tells the story of 'Ze English Seat Sniffer'.

And I thought all Krauts were pervs?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 22 May 2014, 15:48, 20 replies)

This story is fresh and original.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 22 May 2014, 16:56, closed)

ice in a single malt?
Absolutely no class.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 22 May 2014, 17:58, closed)

nothing wrong with ice in a single malt.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 22 May 2014, 18:44, closed)

yes there is

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 22 May 2014, 18:55, closed)

I will take whisky advice from the people who actually distill it and not pontificate about it.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 22 May 2014, 21:28, closed)

whatever
Putting ice in a malt ruins it. Which distiller advised you to do that? Glenfiddich so that you can't tell how shit it is?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 23 May 2014, 10:19, closed)

I don't really care for whisk(e)y, but some self-proclaimed expert down the pub reckons a dribble of water from the ice bucket helps the flavour by releasing some blahblahblah whatever (tuned out at that point).

He might be full of shit, I've no idea. All tastes like turps to me.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 23 May 2014, 10:28, closed)

water in whisky is fine, it does indeed help release and separate flavour.
But the water should be room temperature, just like the whisky.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 23 May 2014, 10:37, closed)

So putting ice in is fine, as long as you warm the ice up first?
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 23 May 2014, 10:49, closed)

Yes.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 23 May 2014, 10:57, closed)

So freeze the whisky and drink it in a frozen room with ice and it is fine.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 23 May 2014, 12:12, closed)

fuck it, it's Glenlivet, it's only one step up from Glenfiddich.
Just bang some lemonade in there, it'll improve it tenfold.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 23 May 2014, 13:06, closed)

To be fair
he doesn't actually say that's what the ice was for...
(An Alien sneezed on Bill Oddies binoculars, Thu 22 May 2014, 19:01, closed)

Why has this bollocks, made-up, non-story been posted again?

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Thu 22 May 2014, 22:07, closed)

This story is fresh and original.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 23 May 2014, 6:58, closed)

That's a relief
Thought I was getting a case of day-jar vuu.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 23 May 2014, 14:45, closed)

he's a bit busy with his George! account this week

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 23 May 2014, 15:34, closed)

Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with the Hotel Abyss.
(Mad Scientist Z, Fri 23 May 2014, 19:20, closed)

fucking Deja Vu

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 27 May 2014, 11:29, closed)