Accidental Indecent Exposure ...
"There is a perfectly innocent explanation Officer." quoth I as I stepped out of my car, butt naked and freezing on the A1 just south of Newcastle.

So let's wibble those lines way back to 2002 when my husband and I, full of youthful enthusiasm and naiviety, bought an abandoned CofE church to renovate. Oh what fools we were.

We would work our 9-5 jobs and then drive out to the church and usually work until midnight or whenever we fell over.

To set the scene; it was 2:00am, and I was trying to finish the external rendering. Hubby had helped out until he had to leave to catch his flight for a conference and I stupidly thought I could finish the job myself. It was so very late. I was tired and I was rushing and I was NOT wearing any special protective clothing, so I have no one but myself to blame for what happened next.

I was handling a highly corrosive substance called quicklime when a gust of wind blew some of the powder up onto me. I felt like someone had thrown a colony of fire ants at me. My clothes quickly started to dissolve, so I followed the most sensible course of action at the time. This involved screaming loudly, flailing about wildly, ripping off my clothes and rolling around in a muddy puddle.

"Right!" I shouted into the empty night, "I've had enough! I'm going home!" So that was how I came to be driving down the A1 in the wee small hours, butt naked and covered in mud.

But the most disastrous night of my life did not stop there, oh no. When I had been flailing about ripping off my rapidly dissolving clothing, I had knocked the lights that I was using into the back of my car, breaking the tail light.

And yes, you guessed it, I hear a siren and there's the blues and twos behind me. "Oh please let it be a copper with a sense of humour." I silently prayed as I pulled over. I opened my window just a fraction. Nope, a young lass who looked like she'd been on the job for about 20 minutes.

"Step out of the car please."
"I can't do that."
"Why not then?"
"I'm naked."
"Wot!"

Rinse and repeat for a bit until I finally stepped out of the car and demonstrated my state of undress and need for medical attention. Did she laugh and point? Did she let me go? Did she BAH! I was cuffed, placed in the back of the police car, taken to Durham Police Station, where I was given a handsome forensic jumpsuit, charged and bailed.

Even the Desk Sergeant didn't want to book me. You could see it on his face.

A few weeks later, I was summonsed to appear in a Magistrate Court on a charge of Indecent Exposure. Yay me. Thankfully, the beak did have a sense of humour. He pointed out that the act of Indecent Exposure did not occur until I stepped out of my car at the direction of a police officer. Therefore, I had no case to answer. Phew.
(Que?, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 6:06, 12 replies)

You know
If you want to get this sort of stuff in to Razzle you need to be a bit more succinct. You should be lighter on the 'we would work our 9-5 jobs' and give more attention to the fellating the desk sergeant while being dp'd with riot truncheons bit.
(mersault, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 9:30, closed)

Gets
a click from me.

Thank God for sane magistrates.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 12:09, closed)

Brilliant! **click**
( Vambo, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 12:28, closed)

Hahaha
You really couldn't make that up... But this is b3ta I suppose. Have a click anyway.
( DeadEyeDick, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 14:17, closed)

So even the underpants got quick-limed?

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 15:42, closed)

Well ...
in hindsight, I suppose it wasn't entirely necessary to strip to my bare arse, but I was on fire. Sort of.
(Que?, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 23:16, closed)

fucking jobsworth bitch
this is why i hate the police
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 20:02, closed)

^this

(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 6:39, closed)

Quicklime, mate
is what they used to use to dissolve dead bodies. Lucky to have all your pink bits, I reckon.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 3:03, closed)

Also,
being naked in public is not in itself illegal, so an indecent exposure charge simply for being naked wouldn't stick anyway.

(I don't think.)
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 9:28, closed)

She
might stick to leather seats though. Depends how big her rashers are.
(Rsoles, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 11:00, closed)

:)
My first vote! And well deserved! Hope your ladybits are ok.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 17:43, closed)