Oh boy, I fucking love firing things across large distances.
The flaming trebuchet at Warwick Castle almost made me spunk my shorts.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:51, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Was Darth in it?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:53, Reply)

In my last job, at a mail order company
We had all manner of problems with Roayl Fail so I suggested building a gigantic laser-guided trebuchet in the car park to solve all our delivery issues. Management were unimpressed. They didn't implement the moron filter on the phones that I suggested either. Apparently it would have resulted in us going out of business
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:53, Reply)

I want more details of this moron filter.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:55, Reply)

It it comes from 01603, ignore it.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:56, Reply)

Haha, very good
Take three points
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Simple really
When anyone called the number on the website to place an order/ask for technical details/chase up delivery/complain, any of which I'm happy to deal with as longas the person isn't a cunt or a fucktard, they'd have to answer some simple questions to establish their level of retardation. That way I could be sure of avoiding twats in my day job.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:57, Reply)

I've banned some customers from speaking to me
Because they're fucking idiots.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:58, Reply)

I stole a phone that displays the number of incoming calls at work
I ignore any that come from an 0161 currently, as it's never for me.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:00, Reply)

Bollocks
You ignore those calls cos you hate Mancs
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:01, Reply)

That is also true

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:02, Reply)

And the team that Mancs support is better than yours now
Only until next year though, when they still haven't won owt and the Sheiks take their oil money and fuck off, bored. They'll be in League Two by 2015
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:06, Reply)

If only I could give that reason for not answering
There are about 50 people who work in the same company as me. There's 3 Liverpool fans, the rest are all either United or City.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:09, Reply)

I hope you invoke the "Gloryhunter" rule
Which states that no-one who supports a more successful club from another town is allowed to discuss football with you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

We're mainly alright about it, good bit of banter
Last year before the 4-1 win was fantastic, one of the lads claimed United were "Going to teach you lot how to play football". On Monday, I didn't need to say anything to him, he was fucking fuming.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Even I was pissing myself after that result
I hate United even more than I hate Liverpool. Nothing personal, but the only time in my life when Forest were actually a top three club, you lot were fucking winning everything
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I've done that in the past
As a general rule, if you can persuade your manager that the customer in question is bang out of order and a cunt, they'll speak to them for you
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:03, Reply)

No, I don't mean like that
There's some people who come into the pub who literally aren't allowed to speak to me other than to order a drink because they're idiots.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Have they tried to sex you?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:16, Reply)

If all the customers who tried to sex me weren't allowed to speak to me
The pub would be silent.

No, they're just massive idiots. One in particular. He phoned the pub from his mobile the other day when he was sat five foot away from me to ask me to phone him a taxi.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:19, Reply)

*epic facepalm*

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:20, Reply)

He also regularly tries to start debates with me
Saying things like "all these illegal immigrants, coming over here and stealing our benefits" and "all these asylum seekers, coming over here and stealing our jobs". The man is a gigantic belming retard.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Jebus
So this is his idea of engaging a politically active woman who is obviously vastly more intelligent than him... you must be positively dripping every time he drains his pint
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:25, Reply)

He's supposedly my dad's 'mate'
Given that he tried to get in my dad's wife's knickers a day before the wedding, and tried to fuck both his daughters, I feel that the definition is somewhat strained.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:27, Reply)

What a champion fellow
Next InFest I'm going to find your pub, have a drink with him, slip some powerful laxatives and muscle relaxants into his pint and calculate minimum safe distance
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:33, Reply)

I would thank you not to do that when I'm working.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:37, Reply)

I'm not coming to your pub more than once
Unless it's in one of those very small areas of Bradford where I won't get the shit kicked out of me for having piercings
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I live in the nice part
Plus, I have 21 piercings, my sister has at least 10, and we work there unscathed.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Yes, but you're hot, aren't you
I've been to Bradford plenty of times and have never felt comfortable walking down the street
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Just mention loudly about t owld days watching Bratfud Northern at Odsal
Ellery Hanley eh what a player 'e wa.
(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Like I said, I live in a nice area
Not particularly stabby or anything. Though there was that terrible trouble with the bloke from two streets up who enjoyed staving hookers heads in with a ball-pein hammer.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:52, Reply)

As long as I leave my hooker gear at home I should be fine then
I'll text you when I get there so you can have a pint poured before I get through the door, like
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

What you drinking?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Tia maria and coke

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I was gonna say
We are a no cocktails pub.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:02, Reply)

What, in Bradford?
I'm stunned. Do you think you could mix me half a pint of beer topped up with another half?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:05, Reply)

What kind of beer?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:06, Reply)

What have you got?
Budweiser ideally but I appreciate that's a rarity
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:08, Reply)

That's not beer, you puff.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:10, Reply)

POTD

(Cave Duck, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I have surprisingly refined tastes
You can take that as a compliment if you like
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Plus, seriously? Budweiser?
What (apart from the obvious) is actually wrong with you?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:15, Reply)

How long have you got?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I don't have to go to work until 5.30
*settles in for the day*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I like Budweiser from time to time
I prefer Stella though, that is God in bottled form.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:25, Reply)

There are much, much better bottled lagers
Budvar, Peroni and Desperados, to name three.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Peroni Gran Riserva is the don
And Tyskie is nice. I'm a bitter man myself. *mutters, plots revenge*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Real ale I can do.
Three constantly rotating real ales, all from local breweries. Yum. We're in The Good Beer Guide and everything.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I look forward to sampling your ales.
Stupid boss sneaking up on me
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I'll find out what we're likely to have on next week

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Desperados are vile
Peroni is magnificent, one of my favourites, but it's so much better on draught. I still love Budvar, but the place I used to drink it in now serves pints of Tiger, which are magnificent, so I drink that instead.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Desperados on a sunny day
Is the fucking shiz.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Ugh
I'd rather a Corona
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:38, Reply)

I wish it was sunny :(
I can't wait to drink cold lager in a hot beer garden again. Winter is shit and makes me fat.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 10:41, Reply)

She takes her belming very seriously, drooling and all.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 9:28, Reply)