knowing the theory is irrelevant
it's the practice that counts. you could describe all the techniques in the world, if you carry them out like a diplodocus, you won't make her come 15 times and then beg to be allowed to suck you off for the next few months. instead you'll get something like this:

"oh please just put it inside me now" (because surely not even you can get that wrong? no? oh, you can? jesus christ man, how can you have got to this age and be so fucking inept, stop butchering my poor fanny, right that's it) shortly followed by "i really want you to come in my mouth" (because that is the only way to stop you torturing me although i tell you what, if you don't stop ramming my head down there, i am going to BITE).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:05, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

So you HAVE slept with al!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Shhhhh.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

I'm slightly concerned
that you appear to think the above is actually a description of good technique.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

you should see my ex-lovers
then you wouldn't be surprised
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

You are terrifying.

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

i'll only bite if you are truly annoying me

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

This all sounds depressingly familiar
have we slept with some of the same people?
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

sadly i think there's just quite a lot of guys who literally have no idea how to touch a girl!
if they've never had a long term relationship and have only ever watched porn/had flings, i guess nobody's ever told them that the aim is NOT to try and tickle your tonsils whilst fingering.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Ugh.
what a depressing thought.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:19, Reply)

not as depressing as realising that all the build-up from the date/flirting at work/party whatever
has fizzled out into you wincing in agony and trying to pass it off as moans of ecstasy whilst he tries to get his arm in there up to the elbow. and then wonders why he can't get his cock in subsequently, having bruised and terrified you to the point of involuntary clenching...

(i never exaggerate, me)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

Swipe: Oww! I never knew you wore a ring.
Bloke: I don't love, it's my watch you can feel.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

by "bloke"
you meant "jeff", didn't you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

No.
By 'bloke' I meant some poor unfortunate who is planning on being a contestant on The Price Is Right and wants to do some revision, and who knows more about over-priced consumer goods than you?

Come on down.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I'm not sure that this particularly has ever happened to me
partially because I've never really been in that situation, but it really, really irritates me when men don't cut their fingernails, and then look all offended when I tell them to sort their skanky jagged digits out before they bring them near me.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)