I have an absurd amount of work to do, customers mistakenly thinking I'm here for their convenience, am worried about my pet rat and our internet connection is fucking up my We7 playlist
Plus the guy behind me has this ridiculous hacking cough that would have even the most patient vet reaching for the shotgun. Let's go get fucked up.

In the absence of fuckage uppage, regale me with your best and most amusing tales of transport-related woe, in honour of the no flying to fucking Libya thing, or something.

Alt Q - Snog, Marry, Avoid. Three B3tans. Go.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:45, 211 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Rachelswipe, DiT (for his awesome cooking skillz) and Rachelswipe (once i've had my way with her I don't want to meet up with her again, it's just awkward)

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:47, Reply)

DiT's portions are too small.
No wonder his wife is so trim.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:48, Reply)

HAWT
and trim
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:51, Reply)

yes, but she'll die of starvation if he keeps thinking three little spuds and two tendrils of carrot make a roast dinner.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Are you suggesting we stage an intervention?
Maybe a Bacon Explosion related one?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:55, Reply)

We could each take it in turns to fill her with hot pork
until she is completely satisfied. We should make DiT watch from the other side of the room so he can see how much happier she is being properly full, compared to the empty hollow feeling she is always left with when he tries.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:58, Reply)

It would be educational for him
This is the kind of thing friends are for.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:59, Reply)

Sometimes as a special treat
a couple of us could work together at the same time to make something really special.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

I'd be up for helping
That poor girl needs a good treat once in a while.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

There was enough meat
but not enough of anything else.
He must have used half a carrot for the whole roast.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

If this is a double entendre,
then I despair for the condition of the poor fellow's genitalia...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:56, Reply)

3 spuds?
surely 2 is the correct number?
( zulu eh?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:56, Reply)

I have five massive spuds me
and six or seven if my dad leaves some.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:00, Reply)

sounds like a real mouthful

( zulu eh?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Not for me

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

it would only be awkward
if your way was shit. that way i would tell everyone and we would all mock your nasty short cock and hamfisted bedroom technique.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

Being stuck in a carriage full of Chelsea fans after the FA Cup final in cardiff a few years back.
Alt - Rswipe, Roota, Chompy, he is escalating!!
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Awww Bobz.
Unless it's in the wrong order, and then you're DEAD!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Ha, no no, as read.
It was a close call between you and Jeff but I don't think B3ta is ready for a civil partnership yet.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

I once suggested Noel and Monty co-habit and co-parent.
And I'm so happy at my promotion. I was always the one they'd do rudes with but not marry.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

The kids would do alright in that situation but I'm afraid poor Noely
might go insane.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

Noel: come on Monty it's a lovely day, put the crack pipe down and let's go for a walk.
Monty: *Scowls- turns up Hendrix*
Noel: *draws curtains* Oh look at how glorious it is Monty, the kids are away and we have all day to explore the outdoors, isn't it marvellous
Monty: *Shrieks at the intrusion of the daylight- picks up SS bayonet and leaps towards Noel slashing wildly* ...

... to be continued.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:15, Reply)

I like this

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Top work

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Do what?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I was saying I would marry you, it was a gay joke and what not.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

Orient.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

hhahaha it doesn't bother me you furry feeler.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:18, Reply)

completely off topic
but i am so fucking bored today. fuck work

slightly on topic - I do know of a jamaican stuck in no mans land between Ethiopia and Kenya. He insulted the border staff, left Ethiopia, got refused entry in Kenya (and then refused entry back into Ethiopia) and now resides under a bridge in the no mans land between the two. Locals keep him fed...
( zulu eh?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Makes living in Milton Keynes seem positively bearable
Almost
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:53, Reply)

dunno
at least he has nice weather...
( zulu eh?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:55, Reply)

Sun shining on shit just makes shit hot

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

Apples, Amberl and...oh, it'd be too harsh to say.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:57, Reply)

It's kitty isn't it?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:57, Reply)

Nah, Kitty's on the snog-while-dressed-as-an-animal list

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:01, Reply)

Stop it,
he might come back.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Any animal?
I seem to remember she did a good walrus impression with those chopsticks on Saturday, although that might make snogging a little dangerous...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Oh of course, your lovely Christina had enticed you back to London
you missed out on Kitty's amazing cow pyjamas. A cow onesie. Forgot to check if there was an udder.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:06, Reply)

Why, would it have been a cow twosie if there had been an udder?

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)

I don't understand, but I hope you understand that a onesie is a one piece garment
like a giant babygro.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

pun

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

It's a phenomenally shit pun, don't worry
"LTI" probably doesn't come close.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I just don't understand :(

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:29, Reply)

An Udder = Another

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

If it's the Primark one, there are no udders as such
but a pink area where they would be
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

It was a marvel to behold
Like the first time I saw duckrape.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

Christ, who bought the duckrape pyjamas?

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)

I'd forgotten about that walrus impression
At least the spazhanded lass could make some use of her chopsticks.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

I'd have been impressed if she'd been able to manipulate the chopsticks with her top lip
And eat her meal in the style of Dr Zoidberg.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I hate the metro. It seems a bit like a roller coaster without seatbelts and we're all probably going to crash and die.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:57, Reply)

Have this that I just found that I wrote when it happened about 5 years ago
"I don't know how many of you heard of my exploits on the 21st of September (ie getting arrested) But here is the lowdown to bring you up to speed so I can do a rant in a bit.


I got on the train at Frizinghall on the morning. (you can't buy a ticket at Frizinghall station, it's one of those crap middle-of-the-sticks stations.) BUT I was going to Dom's house that afternoon/evening, and the trains stop going to Frizinghall at about 6pm.

So, Mr ticket inspector (henceforth to be known as Cockface) comes along, and I ask to buy a half fare return to Bradford, which is supposed to cost £2.05. I had done this on at least 7 other occaisions and never had a problem, but Cockface tries to charge me £4.10 because I 'should have got a ticket at Bradford Station'. I explain (calmly) I got on at Frizinghall but that I can't get back to Frizinghall because of the time I'll be travelling back.

Cockface continues to try charge me £4.10 and continues to tell me theat I shoudl have got a ticket at Bradford if I wanted a return to there. Slightly losing patience, I tell him again that I got on at Frizinghall and so couldn't get a ticket. Cockface continues. I then tell him if he's going to charge me twice as much for a ticket as I should pay I'll just buy a ticket at Leeds Station.

Cockface asks to see my half fare pass and snatches it off me and doesn't give me it back. Cockface then looks at me and says 'Look, little lady, I've told you enough times now. Now you can either buy a ticket now or have someone meet you at Leeds station.' I look at him and say 'I'm NOT paying £4.10 for a ticket I should only pay £2.05 for. Can I have my half fare pass back please?'. Cockface says 'No, someone can meet you at Leeds Station.' he then walks off into next carriage. I leave it about 3 minutes then go into the next carriage and calmly ask him for my half fare pass back. Cockface looks at me and says 'I'm not giving you it back, I've told you, if you wanted a return to Bradford you should have got a ticket at Bradford'. I ask him again. He tells me the same again. I ask him AGAIN (losing patience a bit now). Tells me the same.

I then say 'Look, there's no need to be so fucking uptight.' Cockface then grabs the guy nearest him and says (in very flustered voice, like it's the highlight of his miserable life as a ticket collector) 'Did you hear that? Did you hear what she just said?' Guy nods, Cockface takes his details. I go sit down and chill for a bit. Anyways, train pulls in at Leeds and I get off and have to wait 20 minutes with Cockface to see a Policeman. During this time the following conversation takes place:



Me: 'Dude, can I just have my half fare pass and go, I'm gonna be late for college.'

Cockface: 'Well you should have thought of that'

Me: 'Just because SOME of us want to get an education and actually DO something, rather than just being ticket inspectors...*dirty look from Cockface* yeah, you heard me.'

Anyways, Bobby comes along, chats to Cockface, Cockface said I called him a 'Fucking Arsehole', which I did NOT.



Cockface then has to go be a ticket inspecting WANKER somewhere else. So Policeman and me chat. I tell Policeman what I actually said, Policeman gives me half fare pass back, I tell Policeman I have to be at college and shiz, do a bit of fake crying and whatnot, he tells me he has to give me a warning and I may get a court order but the station will probably trash this as soon as it comes in, and he gives me the option to either leave or stay and answer a few questions. I stay, in the hope of getting it all sorted out quicker. He reads me my rights. He's very nice about it all, I answer his questions, I admit I shouldn't have sworn, but tell Policeman that Cockface's incredibly rude demeanour provoked me. Policeman then walks me through the gate so I don't have to pay AT ALL. I thank Policeman and go, thinking this will be the end of the matter. I even DON'T file a complaint against Cockface so the whole thing will go away.





BUT OH NO.



Today I get a letter... ok, the 'Parent or Guardian of....' gets a letter. Anyways, point is, someone gets a letter from the British Transport Police. it says 'BelladonnaAnodyne has been reported with a view to recieveing a summons to go to court for an offence of BAD LANGUAGE........However the case will be considered by a senior police officer to decide if BelladonnaAnodyne can recieve a police reprimand as an alternative to court proceedings.'"


OH YEAH I'M COOL. I've also been kidnapped by buses on three seperate occasions, and the whole "walking down the M1 in a blizzard National Express fiasco" from last year. And it's going to take me 8 hours to get to Brighton when I go.

ALT: Snog - Darth, Marry - Darth, Avoid - everyone who isn't Darth as I have promised to be extra-super-nice to him today.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:58, Reply)

LINE BREAKS

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:59, Reply)

I was 16!
*goes to edit*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

USE SMALL TAGS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT BITCH

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Was there the option of getting a permit to travel at Frizzinghall?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:01, Reply)

Is swearing illegal?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Achem, apparently so.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Yes, if you swear at a policeman you can be done under public order offences
If you swear at a ticket inspector that counts as abuse.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)

They even have signs up saying that those abusing ticket inspectors will be prosecuted

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Well, I know that now.
But I didn't swear *at* him, I didn't call him anything offensive. I just said the word "fucking".
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

That is fucking brilliant
Thank you for brightening my day
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

I had to go on Myspace to find it
I hope you're happy.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

I actually wish I hadn't promised you such an awesome birthday present
Because you deserve better than I can afford
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:14, Reply)

I'm going to be extra-super-nice to you more often
Anyway, in conclusion: I am not to be trusted with public transport. Or public transport is not to be trusted with me. One of the two.

Dreading going to see Brighton Boy now. 8 hours. National Express. Help.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:17, Reply)

Noise cancelling headphones and no sleep for the previous 24 hours

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:22, Reply)

Bottle of wine, and a good book (5 of each)

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:31, Reply)

That's how I do everything

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:35, Reply)

Snog whatshisface who lives in Sweden as he has a peirced knob and that is so hawt. (Humpty Dumpty was pushed).
I'd marry Al as he always makes me feel better about myself.
I'd avoid Baldmonkey......obviously.

I once had a panic attack on a coach.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Oh dear, is that because there were youths on it?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

Har......har......har.....

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Awwwwww, that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me
with the exception of my wife actually agreeing to marry me.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

Well the bread making skillz are a bonus too.

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)

*Sad face*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

Why would I marry you, we're already married.

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:13, Reply)

A snog wouldn't do any harm.
I got HUGZ.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:14, Reply)

Goes without saying although if you get any needier then I'm going to have to put you on the avoid list.

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:15, Reply)

haha

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:16, Reply)

me and my dad were in this big crash and the car spun round and they couldn't get me out and he thought there was blood in my hair and his heart stopped and we went through a red light in the ambulance
but it wasn't blood in my hair, it was Lucozade.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Did they give you a lucozade transfusion?

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

Only after they scoured the area for cherry lucozade as she isn't compatible with any other type.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:11, Reply)

No, but one of the men who got the car door off said something like
"the kid's toast" or "the kid's brown bread" and I moaned "No. I'm just pale!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:28, Reply)

haha!

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Band of Brothers is brilliant!!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

And which of the brothers would you snog, marry and avoid?

(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)

I've only watched one and a bit episodes so can I withhold my judgement until later.
I wouldn't want to miss out on any hotties now would I.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)

I've just read your post from above
YOU TWO-TIMING COW
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)

hahahaha, you massive woofter!
You lost me when you flirted with that ginger bitch off the telly.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:17, Reply)

What can I say
Rich bitches do it for me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:21, Reply)

so why am i not head of your list, eh?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

I reckon Anne would be up for it
you need to put out more
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

huh
not something i've ever been accused of before!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

*ctrl+F..... G o n z......* Oh, fine, fair enough =(

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:14, Reply)

I'd probably consider marrying you for the food
Since I can't cook at all. However, I am being extra-super-nice to Darth to cheer him up, so I couldn't say that.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Yeah man
Stick your "MARTIN, 32 FROM CAIRO" up your arse
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Haha, gutted.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:35, Reply)

I'd totally Marry you. You're the best. Nice, smart, funny.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:28, Reply)

=D

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:35, Reply)

A short while ago, I had to run onto the train in Macclesfield, as I was running late. Ergo, no ticket.
The inspector comes round, and asks for tickets, so I buy one off him, knowing it's emptying that account. I get to Manchester, and they check my ticket, before refusing to let me through, as my ticket was only to Stockport. (Yes, I know, I should have checked)

The guy on the gate is being a tosser, as I admit I can't pay on my card (my card with money on it is Visa Electron, which they can't take), he decides I'm therefore a ticket dodger, and leads me to a rather pretty girl, to help me out. I make it clear I'm willing to pay, all I need to do is walk to the cash point (20 metres away, in full view).

She is called away, so pulls in a very scary looking guy (About 6 foot 7, I would imagine), to whom I tell my story as well. He begrudgingly allows me to go to the cash point, so I go there, and come back with the money for the ticket. He looks at me, looks at the money, smiles and says 'Have a good day, Sir', before turning his back, letting me off with the ticket. Fucking win!

Alt: *censored*, Aberaccion, Lampito (What? She likes to punch people when drunk, and I know I'm not her favourite person.)
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Too slow, I saw who you said before censoring.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:34, Reply)

Tbh, I've censored it because no matter who I wrote, they'd find it freaky
So I thought I'd save her trouble
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:36, Reply)

I won't tell her

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Cheers

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Who was it?
We need to know.*

*We know it was Applebite
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

He wrote Applebite
but he was thinking Amberl
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

mber
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

The way I look right now
I wouldn't do me
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh
:(
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

HAHA
He's got a special laminated picture of you for those 'special' times that you now share together
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:54, Reply)

This is also quite handy for when he blubs all over it, imagining that one day you'll be together foreverrrrrrrrrr

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

I just threw up a little bit.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

He dreams about
arguing with you over which one of you gets to wear the dress for the wedding
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:04, Reply)

And which MCR song to walk down the aisle to.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

He would have Green Day as the first dance
but he would have to stop halfway through as he was crying so much.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

I thought that was your wedding?
Only you were crying, as it was the most exercise you'd done in years?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

SAVLON TIME !!1111!!!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Top bullying
He'll be reaching for the Green Day when he gets back home, to accompany his self harm session.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

It wasn't you

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

It wasn't her.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

ooooooooh, when I was like 17 I went for a job interview in Southamptan from London, was gonna move down there and all that (because that was really viable to me, on £14kpa, which is LOADS of money)....
... anyway, on the way back, I'm like "Oh cool, the sea, I didn't notice that on the train down here". And then an anouncment came a few hours later I ask the ticket guy how far are we from London, and he said about 6 hours, and I'm like "WTF? It only took 4 hours to come down" and he said "This is the train FROM london". I ended up in Devon.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:34, Reply)

No!
All the times I have used trains I have lived in fear of getting on the wrong one.
Thankfully it's never happened.

So what did you do when you got to Devon?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:58, Reply)

Thankfully the train back was more direct, but it was the only thing I could do, get the next train.
I reckon all trains should have something like the picadilly line has, a tickerboard saying "This is a X train to X, the next stop is X".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:04, Reply)

No doubt I've regaled you with this before
but at the tender age of 14 I managed to miss the last train home from Edinburgh and had to wait for 7 hours for the royal mail train, which they kindly added a sleeper carriage to for me.

Or the time I offered a lift to a party to a boy I liked, got lost, ended up going in the wrong direction on the motorway for 30 miles as there was nowhere to turn round, eventually made it back to where I needed to be and made exactly the same fucking mistake. We were three hours late; it'd probably have been quicker to walk.

I'm not playing the alt q.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Hmmmmm, I wonder who the first name would be?
I wonder.

*wonders*

Hmmmmmm
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Oooo! gossip ahoy!

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

*pulls the Gossip whistle*

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

The silver fox from the Oxford rock pub.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

Is the silver fox from the Oxford rock pub a B3tan?

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:45, Reply)

No, a drunken pervert
Again, not a b3tan.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

B3tan rapist like you?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

He was a right weirdo
So anything's possible.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

I tried to get Imelda May tickets this morning
they've only gone and fucking sold out.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

That's cos she's
FUCKING AWESOME
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

Fucking other people buying tickets I wanted.
Fucking cunts, I was very annoyed, I might get my mate in camden to see if he can get any at the ticket office.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:50, Reply)

I read that as Imelda Marcus and got very confused for a moment.

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)

He was such a charmer
The way he sniffs or grabs a girl's hair...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

I really can't express just how much I didn't need to know that had happened...

(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

If you hadn't known, he might have done it again
Plus your face when we told you was REALLY funny.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

Pfft. Thanks for that.

(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:52, Reply)

We all know you're after my Jeff.

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:41, Reply)

I believe I was about 12 the last time I was accused of fancying someone just because I'd sent them a few texts.
*sighs at the futility of denial*
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

Haha!
To be honest I don't mind sharing. As long as I'm asked first.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:48, Reply)

He's all yours
as long as I can borrow him for youtube disco occasionally.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:52, Reply)

ha, this is like me and roota fighting over kroney
no, you have him. i insist.

nah nah, jeff is all yours.

no, really. you take him. please. take him.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:54, Reply)

I can read this you know.
I'm not some piece of meat you get to trade between yourselves at some cattle-market nightclub, whilst you and Blousie get drunk on blue WKD and shots of Aftershock.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

only in your dreams, eh, jeff?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

Exactly Swipe.
Although in these dreams, you'd be there, drinking Malibu and pineapple, what with you being dead rich and sophisticated.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:59, Reply)

i am so surprised you added the last 3 words

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:06, Reply)

So am I.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

pffffffft
you just didn't think of it in time
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

you two flirt like teenagers

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:12, Reply)

bobby i'm really shocked
i am probably the least flirtatious person on here.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

LIES ON THE INTERNET SWIPE, SHENANIGANS!!!!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

find one example
just one example of me flirting
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

I'm 10 years too young to be seen in that type of place
and lets face it - as if you'd mind!
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:59, Reply)

i got so amused by the snog, marry, avoid
that i forgot about the travel thing, and was wondering why everyone was rambling on about travel.

snog - any of the tripod, i don't believe in choosing when there are multiple options

marry - i'm already internet-married to the best b3tan around

avoid - anyone genuinely rude or stupid, like someone who is actually racist, or someone who would actually expect me to pay for everything.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)

every any
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:44, Reply)

ooh
this works on the travel and the payment level. how i wonder which you meant.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:46, Reply)

Have a guess.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:47, Reply)

you go back up to the top and see what i said about you being shit in bed and me telling everyone
then come back here and justify your existence.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)

You're wrong, I have awesome technique
I can do one finger, two fingers, the V-sign fingering when you have one in your fanny and the other in your bum, the one where you use one hand for fingering and the other to squeeze your tits, the one where you use one finger in your fanny and the other one rubbing clit in an annoyingly non rhythmic fashion, the one where you use one finger in your fanny and your nose rubbing your clit and your tongue slobbering ineffectually on your labia majora, and the one where you keep getting your cock in the wrong hole "by accident" but you secretly love it.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

Hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:59, Reply)

*feels dirty*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:59, Reply)

I didn't mean you.
You wouldn't fit if I had my fingers and my head down there. If you tried, your tummy would keep slapping against my left ear.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:01, Reply)

That'd just be awkward.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:03, Reply)

You know, sometimes I'm really quite astonished
at how you've managed to not only attract but marry someone as nice as your mrs...
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:02, Reply)

knowing the theory is irrelevant
it's the practice that counts. you could describe all the techniques in the world, if you carry them out like a diplodocus, you won't make her come 15 times and then beg to be allowed to suck you off for the next few months. instead you'll get something like this:

"oh please just put it inside me now" (because surely not even you can get that wrong? no? oh, you can? jesus christ man, how can you have got to this age and be so fucking inept, stop butchering my poor fanny, right that's it) shortly followed by "i really want you to come in my mouth" (because that is the only way to stop you torturing me although i tell you what, if you don't stop ramming my head down there, i am going to BITE).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

So you HAVE slept with al!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

Shhhhh.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

I'm slightly concerned
that you appear to think the above is actually a description of good technique.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:07, Reply)

you should see my ex-lovers
then you wouldn't be surprised
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

You are terrifying.

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:08, Reply)

i'll only bite if you are truly annoying me

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)

This all sounds depressingly familiar
have we slept with some of the same people?
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

sadly i think there's just quite a lot of guys who literally have no idea how to touch a girl!
if they've never had a long term relationship and have only ever watched porn/had flings, i guess nobody's ever told them that the aim is NOT to try and tickle your tonsils whilst fingering.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Ugh.
what a depressing thought.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:19, Reply)

not as depressing as realising that all the build-up from the date/flirting at work/party whatever
has fizzled out into you wincing in agony and trying to pass it off as moans of ecstasy whilst he tries to get his arm in there up to the elbow. and then wonders why he can't get his cock in subsequently, having bruised and terrified you to the point of involuntary clenching...

(i never exaggerate, me)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

Swipe: Oww! I never knew you wore a ring.
Bloke: I don't love, it's my watch you can feel.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

by "bloke"
you meant "jeff", didn't you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

No.
By 'bloke' I meant some poor unfortunate who is planning on being a contestant on The Price Is Right and wants to do some revision, and who knows more about over-priced consumer goods than you?

Come on down.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I'm not sure that this particularly has ever happened to me
partially because I've never really been in that situation, but it really, really irritates me when men don't cut their fingernails, and then look all offended when I tell them to sort their skanky jagged digits out before they bring them near me.
(berk, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

You sound like a kid listing off pokemon moves.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:11, Reply)

Gonz
being with a woman is all about ticking off the moves. They grade you on the number of different positions you can fit in before you squirt on their pillow.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

The Karma Sutra is like a Prima Strategy Guide for a Street Fighter game
Down, down-right, right + heavy punch = flawless victory.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

it's like std's
gotta catch em all! well except aids, I hear that's a bit shit.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

EEOW
what's the reverse of a paedo?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:15, Reply)

As in you hate kids?
Paedophobe I guess. Or paedophage if you REALLY don't like them.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)

Or REALLY like them

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:18, Reply)

Paedophobe from friends, as a kid.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:20, Reply)

no, i meant a horny kid
vile image
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Applebite?

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:22, Reply)

Ohhh
You want "Teenager" then.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow
sweaty spotty fetid things
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I agree

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I sometimes cringe
at the way I was when I was a teenager, if there was any chance of seeing some tits when I was on a beach or camping by a river. I thought I was being really subtle but I bet I was just staring open mouthed and desperately trying not to touch myself.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:26, Reply)

I thank God I was not a teen during these times of prolific mobilephone and Internet usage

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Haha me too
Did you ever invest in mirrored sunglasses?
( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:28, Reply)

Oh yes
the wraparound ones. Nobody was going to see that whilst I appeared to be staring intently at that rock cliff, or sandcastle, I was actually looking out of the corner of my eye at the middle aged french woman who might or might not be about to take off her bikini top to reveal a pair of saggy tits.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:30, Reply)

*firm handshake*

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:49, Reply)

*smugs*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:57, Reply)

Look up the colostomy story in my profile.
Alt Q: Snog: I would have said LAAK, but I think they're all far too young, so I'll have to leave it blank.

Marry: Swipe and Roota are both near my age, they'll do.

Avoid: Bou. Unquestionably.
( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:52, Reply)

gosh how flattering
i'll fight roota for you. you can see it now:

no, you have him. no, YOU. no, he's all yours...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:53, Reply)

I didn't even get an honourable mention in yours
so don't you get snotty with me! "Best B3tan around", pshaw!
( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:54, Reply)

hey
when you get a chicken AND you can answer my vat queries, then you can have his crown.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:56, Reply)

I can roast a chicken admirably

( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:58, Reply)

and this
is why you are not the very best b3tan around!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:05, Reply)

bou?
Bbbzzz^{zZzZZllolollzz}zzzZzLOLolZzzlolOLOLZz_zzZzzZZ
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)

That's her.
Grade A South African "mintelist"
( Kroney, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:17, Reply)

I think I've snogged all the b3tans I would ever want to.
And some I probably didn't want to.

When I perfect my cloning technique I can answer TGB for all three *does a rhyming dance*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:13, Reply)

You want to snog and marry yourself?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:14, Reply)

Yup I'm just that awesome
And an amazing kisser
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:24, Reply)

It wasn't my fault you were too drunk to say no!

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)