I don't like that thread
Talk to me about something, anything, else.
( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:27, 87 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

You mean you finished that fast?

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:30, Reply)

I find slash excruciating.
I feel so embarrassed for the author :(
( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:32, Reply)

I feel embarrassed for Monty
But I like it.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:34, Reply)

How do you think I feel
As a heterosexual male?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:37, Reply)

horny?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:38, Reply)

FUCK NO!
Should I re-post it here in one entry?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:39, Reply)

How about 'no'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:43, Reply)

Ashamed of yourself, I hope
and unsure of yourself, I expect.
( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:38, Reply)

No, and no.
I am incapable of feeling shame.

And I could always feature you and Psychochomp in my next literary outpouring, if you like.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:39, Reply)

I'd really rather you didn't.

( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:40, Reply)

I can't say it's frighfully enjoyable.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:40, Reply)

I was laughing my arse off while typing it.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:55, Reply)

I can't wait to read the one Monty
does of you and quixote, now
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:57, Reply)

I'm sure it will be toe-curlingly awful.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:57, Reply)

Please do

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:40, Reply)

I hate you.

( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:40, Reply)

I think you'd secretly like it

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:42, Reply)

Ok.
Slowly his bedroom door opened, causing him to whimper with excitement. There outlined in the doorway stood the silhouette he'd been hoping to see. "I... I tried to stop myself" stuttered Monty "but I just couldn't resist. The way you stood up for laissez faire Capitalism against all those benders on Off Topic it just... made me want you so much..." In three quick steps he was across the room and on top of FreeFare.

FreeFair gazed longingly into Monty's eyes. They both knew it had to be. Something that seemed so wrong on the outside, but when it came down to it, felt incredibly right. The timing, the setting, the tube of KY on the bedstand- everything. Monty and FreeFair moved slowly towards each other, a few seconds feeling like an eternity, as slowly, they began to kiss. Tentatively at first, their lips brushing together like hummingbirds in flight. Then, as their mutual passion took over, their kisses became more urgent, more animal. They needed each other, and didn't care they were so wrong for each other. It was just one of those things.

As their kiss deepened, their hands started to move. Like the kiss, it was a caress at first. Caressing though, ultimately wouldn't last. They started to tear at each other's clothes with a Bachannalian lust. Shirts, belts and trousers were flung all over the bedroom with a reckless abandon.

"I want you- now" breathed Monty, heavily, in between kissing, gasping for breath and fumbling with FreeFair's belt. FreeFair responded in kind, slowly giving way to his animal passions. Eventually, all their clothes were off, thrown everywhere with gay abandon.

Monty, slowing things down a notch, looked into FreeFair's eyes, and pushed him back on the bed, and took him in his mouth.

At first, Monty just licked FreeFare's shaft with the tip of his tongue. Teasing, FreeFare's previously limp member became turgid. Monty kept on kissing, licking, teasing, until FreeFare could take it no more. He roughly grabbed Monty's head and shoved it on his mouth. Monty took the cue, and began sucking like a man possessed. Dyson hoovers would have been suitably impressed.

As Monty's head bobbed up and down, FreeFare laid back, enjoying the sensation. And then, Monty stopped, and looked up. "I want you inside me- now".

And so it was. FreeFare reached for the tube of KY, and squeezed some onto a fingertip. Lightly at first, he began to tickle Monty's anus, round and round, before slowly inserting his finger. Sliding it in and out, Monty began bucking backwards in obvious appreciation. FreeFare then inserted another finger, and then another, until his hand was inside Monty, up to his wrist. Monty writhed in obvious ecstasy, as FreeFare fisted him like an angry god. Eventually, FreeFare removed his hand, and entered Monty fully.

FreeFare began to move, slowly at first. And then increasing his pace, he grabbed Monty's tumescent boner, and started pumping for all he was worth. They moved, back and forth, rolling around the bed, each lost in their passing and lust for each other. Monty bit the pillow to stifle a cry.

FreeFare's pace increased, until he could take it no more, and he came. Monty came at the same time, with the stimulation of his prostate and FreeFare's reacharound, and both collapsed on the bed, completely out of breath.

FreeFare felt totally disgusted with himself, and kicked Monty out into the street, naked and covered with sweat, hoping to never see him again.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:45, Reply)

duly clicked
I wonder if this can get on the popular page.....

Edit: Never mind, I see the version in instalments is all ready there. Poor Poor Monty. I do hope FreeFare doesn't miss all the fun.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:48, Reply)

I changed the ending to match your intro.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:54, Reply)

Much appreciated dear sir.
I am honoured.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:56, Reply)

Do you ever to hetero slash
or is slash homo by definition?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:42, Reply)

I think slash implies gayness

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:43, Reply)

and a big hat

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:44, Reply)

I'd got that impression
but it's not something I'd studied in depth.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:44, Reply)

I've done hetero already.
Rupert Murdoch and another poster here. Can't remember who it was though.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:49, Reply)

Swipey?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:52, Reply)

b3th?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:53, Reply)

B3th, that was it.
I suppose I could do a Victorian corset-ripper for Rswipe and Karl Marx.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:54, Reply)

what
can be said after that?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:32, Reply)

"bravo"?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:35, Reply)

or in your case
'pass me the tissue please'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:37, Reply)

Tissue?
He needs the whole fucking box!
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:38, Reply)

I store it in a jar
and sell it as 'Organic Mayonnaise'
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:40, Reply)

So is that the Colonel's "Special Sauce"?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:56, Reply)

Am I a Colonel now?
Cavey will not be pleased if I outrank her.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:57, Reply)

your's would just be an affectation
whereas I have an crew
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:03, Reply)

"An crew"?

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:03, Reply)

yes
an crew
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:05, Reply)

Fair enough.
Threadjack- who should feature in my next slashfic installment?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:06, Reply)

Did you hear about that Amy Winehouse?
Shocking eh? Still - it's hardly a surprise is it, eh?

ETC
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:40, Reply)

yfrog.com/kk6727j
(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:54, Reply)

Nah, not really.
Shame though.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:56, Reply)

Fuck you Kroney, fuck you up your stupid arse.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:53, Reply)

Don't give the Luggage more ideas
Edit: actually too late www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1293612
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:56, Reply)

too late, I suspect

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:56, Reply)

Art reflecting life.
Who would have thought?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:58, Reply)

I hate your thread.

( Kroney, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:56, Reply)

I hate you!

(PsychoChomp, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:57, Reply)

and how quickly hate can turn to love....

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 17:59, Reply)

Don't tempt me.
I'm bored and I have a keyboard.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:03, Reply)

Righty Ho, I'm off home to make biscuits
See you all later unless I actually have a life or anything.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:02, Reply)

Have fun.
See if you can think of anymore slashfic ideas on your way home, eh?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:03, Reply)

I fully expect to log on later to find myself staring in one
with who (or should it be whom?) is the question. Really off now, toodles.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:04, Reply)

I would like to share the following...
I love the Beastie Boys but I have never listened to Paul's Boutique.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:04, Reply)

Erm, who are the latter?
Secondly, would you like to feature in my next slashfic epic?

Say, you and Rswipe?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:05, Reply)

it is their second album, when they went good.
And yes, Rachel and I would definitely be a winning combination.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:07, Reply)

I imagine the plot elements will involve bad chinese food, Hollyoaks, tentative hand-holding and an early cab home.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:10, Reply)

fuck's sake
I am not Gonz. I am Dozer.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:16, Reply)

Ah, sorry.
The username confused me.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:18, Reply)

hahahahahahaha
this subthread has made me laugh a LOT.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:18, Reply)

I'm still slightly disgusted with myself.
Incidentally, would you like to star in my next literary outpouring?

Say, you and Karl Marx, or Gonz?
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:21, Reply)

slightly?
and sure. but why stop at just 1?

bring on all the men of OT, i can take it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:22, Reply)

Bloody hell.
If that were real, you'd end up with a clunge like a burst sofa.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:24, Reply)

no, they all have tiny penises
or are just sockpuppets of other people
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:25, Reply)

Ah.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:27, Reply)

so no steamy dozer/swipe slash then?
DISAPPOINTED.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:33, Reply)

No time now, unfortunately.
I think I have to be in the mood for it. I'll write some another time.

Although if I do write something, I imagine I'll be chanelling Bridget Jones.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:35, Reply)

The cat just farted. He never farts.
It was pathetic. Barely had a smell. He needs to step up if he thinks that's a fart.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:06, Reply)

I don't have any wax for my braces so there's a lovely wire stabbing me in the mouth.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:08, Reply)

Wax?
What???
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:12, Reply)

yeah, they give you strips of wax to ball up and smoosh against the wires to keep them from stabbing you
really, it's 2011, you'd think they'd have a better solution
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:23, Reply)

Oh I see.
Ouch.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:24, Reply)

I had that, fucking horrible it was.
See also every time they tightened the cunting things. But now I have a smile like an American movie star so it all worked out.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:26, Reply)

I had it, too
but then my teeth went wonky again, or at least one did.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:35, Reply)

Yeah, I sort of want to just rip them all off.
Which they will do next month, and scrape the glue off, and put them on again. *cries in advance*
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:35, Reply)

I feel this deserves an out-of-context click.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:43, Reply)

explain plz

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:45, Reply)

Rule 1- no explanations.
It's in the b3ta handbook.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:46, Reply)

I can smell your lies all the way over here

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:48, Reply)

you should do your slashfic about gonz and al oiling their chests and rubbing them together

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:49, Reply)

Maybe tomorrow.
I've lost the mood now, but I'll bear your idea in mind.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:49, Reply)

it was more of a request
so I can add it to my wank bank
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:52, Reply)

Well you'll just have to wait then.
I'm sure you can find something else to frot yourself into a fishy lather over.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:53, Reply)

Today I am slightly obsessed with Lana Del Ray.
That's a lie. I'm massively obsessed. She's my new dream woman and her songs are beyond amazing. I especially love the track Video Games, although it's alarming how much I resonate with a song about crap boyfriends. Maybe I'm a secret uphill gardener, who knows.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:25, Reply)

i feel like I shouldn't like this
but I do
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:30, Reply)

I love it, it's my favourite song of this year by eight million miles.
It makes my head go all funny how compelling it is, the huge sinister undercurrent of the track (and video) really get to me. I love it and I love her.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 25 Jul 2011, 18:47, Reply)