alright homosexuals?
These are the DOZ-facts:

I have a moustache
I have quit smoking again
I need some advice re. notice periods and how to get the most out of them
I have given my pet hamster, Hercules, a piece of mango which he is yet to eat.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 21:57, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

i always notice when shes on her period

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 21:58, Reply)

Oh Quentin, you are about as funny as Lenny Henry, Andy Parsons and Michael Macintyre going head to head.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 21:59, Reply)

yeah well your about as funny as something which is even less funny than that!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:02, Reply)

So I'm about as funny as you?
LAWL AND SOS YOUR MUMS FACE!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:04, Reply)

With Jeremy Clarkson providing the commentary

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:02, Reply)

Talk notice period.
What do you want to get?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 21:59, Reply)

My contractual period is two months.
But due to the situation at work (the two biggest contracts being lost), they are willing to let me go early, at the end of the year.

The holiday year, however, runs from January 1st to December 31st, which means that if I am employed on 1st January, I will have 25 days holiday, which is a month's pay on top of my final salary payment.

If I request January the 3rd as my last day (which would realistically mean my last actual day in the office would be something like the 28th), can they feasibly insist I go earlier so they don't have to pay the 25 days holiday pay?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:03, Reply)

No because you'll get pro-rata holidays
In other words if you have 24 days holiday you're entitled to 2 a month.

If you lerave at the end of January they'll owe you 2 days.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:06, Reply)

Really?
But if I was employed there I could (potentially) take all 25 days off in a five week block. Which would mean taking holidays I hadn't accrued yet.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:07, Reply)

So you'd owe them money for holidays you'd not earned.
That's the way it almost universally works.

If you leave on Jan 3rd they'll owe you about 45 minutes.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:09, Reply)

So go for ASAP then?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:10, Reply)

You may as well
Have you taken all of your 2011 holiday entitlement?

If so you'll owe THEM about 2 days if you leave before end of December.

Double check your contract, but I've never known a company that doesn't work like that.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:13, Reply)

I have half a day left.
I caned a load of annual leave on days off to go to interviews.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:16, Reply)

What Jeff did say
Give us dates, required notice periods and aspirations.

Don't THINK of chucking a sickie to supplement it.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:04, Reply)

I'm not thinking about a sickie.
My references have been accepted at my new place in Leeds, so all I need to do is hand in my notice. I have been told that they are willing to let me go earlier than my contractual notice permits (by a good 2/3 weeks), but I obviously want the grand for holiday pay.

Can they make me go earlier or refuse to pay me the holiday pay?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:06, Reply)

See above
Think of it as a rolling entitlement.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:10, Reply)

Yes.
You earn 'holiday' over the course of a year. If you've got holiday outstanding you've not taken, they'll pay you. But you don't get 25 days on the 1st Jan.

Forget that, take a few days off over crimbo, start the new job ASAP.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:12, Reply)

This I will do.
I've never actually given notice before, what do you put in the letter?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:16, Reply)

Be 'nice'
Dear 'whoever'

I hearby tender one/two/six months notice of my resignation, I have decided to take 'x' role with 'y' company as I feel my career ambitions will be achieveable there.

I wish yourself/team/company all the best for the future.

Based on my holiday entitlement of 'z' I understand my last working day will by 'zz' - please advise if my calculations are incorrect.

Love n hugs,

PD. AKA. Rap Master Ten Billion.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:21, Reply)

sorry bbz

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:39, Reply)

hehehehe

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:45, Reply)

Keep it simple
No accusations, no recriminations

"please accept this letter as notice of my resignation..

Mention that you'd like to leave as soon as operationally possible

And add a thank you for giving you the opportunities etc.

They may not have done but your letter will go to an HR person whom you have no antipathy towards and NEVER burn bridges.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:25, Reply)

We have no HR person.
Well, there's the milfy PA who has HR responsibilities, but she's nowhere near MCIPD.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:29, Reply)

That's who it will sit with then
Follow my/Jeff's layout and be civil, even though you might not want to be.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:35, Reply)

Innit
Even though the miserable cunt has blanked me.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:38, Reply)

Sorry Jeffles.
I was just scouring youtube for a suitable tune to link you to.

Nae luck though. There's that Arab Strap one which mentions a dead dog, of that's any good for you?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:40, Reply)

It takes time and effort to grow a moustache you know.

( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:41, Reply)

in my experience hamsters prefer banana
but only in very tiny amounts (I had a hamster who got very melodramatic if she got banana in her whiskers)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:00, Reply)

He doesn't like banana.
His favourite is cheddar cheese and boiled potato.

He is meh about tomatoes, he just eats the seeds part and leaves the rest to dry out.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:04, Reply)

I didn't think they were meant to eat tomatoes
and I never fed mine potato or cheese. One was obsessed with water biscuits, another with monkey nuts (mostly for the challenge, I think)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:10, Reply)

Tomatoes are fine apparently
And he loves potato and cheese, so I will continue to give them to him.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:15, Reply)

this seems reasonable
I don't have hamsters any more to see if they'd like cheese and potato. I wonder if guinea pigs like it? Although to be honest, HIggs is already the size of a house
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:16, Reply)

Time flies like an arrow
fruit flies like banana.

Not relevant but it just popped into my head.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:09, Reply)

i shall try and use this line
tomorrow
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:11, Reply)

It's a good line for you, because you do arrers, innit?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:13, Reply)

and time travel

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:15, Reply)

And naughty things with bananas, I'll be bound.
I most slip "I'll be bound" into conversation more, it has a nice archaic ring.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:16, Reply)

I don't think a banana would be up to it
to be honest
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:23, Reply)

Are you TGB in disguise?
*proffers marrow*
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:32, Reply)

it's durability *I'm* after

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:37, Reply)

Ah ha!
* proffers frozen banana with "Jenuwine Twylite Dildo" written on the side in Biro*
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:39, Reply)

needs more sparkles

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:42, Reply)

*Sprays Banana with Christmastime glitter*
*re-proffers*

no pleasing some people.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:44, Reply)

perfect.
OK, back later...
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:47, Reply)

you'll be in your bunk?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:49, Reply)

yeah, that's it

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:50, Reply)

Oh, and it6 has it's own WIkipedia page
which is fun if you like that kind of thing

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_flies_like_an_arrow;_fruit_flies_like_a_banana
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:15, Reply)

1) shave it you bumder
2) well done
3) red patches
4) This also happened with the real Hercules, though with an apple
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:00, Reply)

Hello Zomberl
Good to see you back. How's tricks?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:08, Reply)

1) it is for Movember
2) I love smoking
3) I have my red wings
4) Sometimes I address him as Heracles and he looks a bit confused.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:08, Reply)

I used to have a moustache
But I got accused of looking like this geezer:

www.google.co.uk/imgres?q=mike+harding&hl=en&biw=1366&bih=618&gbv=2&tbm=isch&tbnid=MWE4d4rpBeeHGM:&imgrefurl=http://www.chartstats.com/release.php%3Frelease%3D38402&docid=e_L-7N9tf0skOM&imgurl=http://www.chartstats.com/images/thumbs/300/26403.jpg&w=300&h=300&ei=-3DNTuGlIIyz8QP-2pXZDw&zoom=1

So I shaved it off.

And I smoke like a chimbley.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:20, Reply)

I suit mine.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:23, Reply)

I bet you do, you handsome bugger.
Go on, give us a pic.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:25, Reply)

You want me to post a picture of my bewhiskered face on B3ta?
are you lentil mental?
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:27, Reply)

Oh come on, we've all done it.
I'd suggest doing it via face book, but I assume that you, like Monty View it as too Plebeian for your good self.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:29, Reply)

Not at all.
I am on there but I have a strict 'no B3tans' policy.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:35, Reply)

Ahh, well, mine is rather the reverse.
Pretty much only B3tans. It's OK, I'll try not to be insulted. *sniff sniff*
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:37, Reply)

When have I ever insulted you, you tremendous flid?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:39, Reply)

Constantly, you cruel beast!
You you know all I want is to please you.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:40, Reply)

Then quit liking ICP.
That's all that will make me happy.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:41, Reply)

Sorry DOze.
I can never give up being 'down with the clowns', nor forsake my Jugalo brethren, even for you. It this means we a doomed never to be together, so be it.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:43, Reply)

More like clowns with Downs.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:44, Reply)

*genuine chuckle*

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:45, Reply)

Maybe you should send this link to Shaggy 2 Dope
www.howmagnetswork.com/
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:49, Reply)

I'll do just that.
He's my facebook buddy.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:50, Reply)

dd nn
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 23:00, Reply)

Isn't Jeff another Facebook holdout?
I certainly am.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:43, Reply)

I think so, yes.
I have an account just for b3tans.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:46, Reply)

I have a Facebook account
But I've not logged into it in about 4 years.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:48, Reply)

Good man, keep it up.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:49, Reply)

I'm sure my 157zillion friends will cope.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:50, Reply)

I have one in somebody elses' name
If anyone wants to contact me they know where I am.

I don't wish to know that a dullard I worked with 20 years ago has just been to the bog and done 3 big and 2 small turds, thank you.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:51, Reply)

Quite.
Although it is possible to use it for it's intended purpose too. just don't friend Gonz.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:53, Reply)

But that's it though.
You don't have to accept the friend requests and you can set up your account so that you only see updates from friends rather than everyone.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:54, Reply)

This^
and as I only ever friend actuall friends, and as my friends are not retards...
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:56, Reply)

I have found it highly enjoyable to reject people.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:58, Reply)

And on facebook?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 23:00, Reply)

OH LAWL
And yes, occasionally on facebook.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 23:04, Reply)

I think that most of my friends share my antipathy
I don't feel that there's a layer of communication missing from my life. Let's put it that way.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:57, Reply)

sounds fair.
I don't think it's a good thing per se, but it's not always as shit as it can be
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:59, Reply)

You might have worded that a little better
That reads, to me, like "you get some good days when you're dying of cancer."
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 23:02, Reply)

that's a lot of turds in one go

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:56, Reply)

depends how long you've been saving it.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:59, Reply)

High fibre diet
Maybe I ought to go on farcebook to enumerate my bowel movements.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 23:00, Reply)

There are far worse things to look like.
I was described s young Wilf Lunn once, tickles me immensely. ALthough I'd prefer Viv Stanshall
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:24, Reply)

Aight Dozer?
I bet it's not as good as mine.
So have I, just to annoy the people who find it hard.
Piss about and enjoy it.
Mango, more like mingo, innit?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Wed 23 Nov 2011, 22:11, Reply)