my first attempt at the sub-500 word qotw entry
will appear as a reply here.

constructive crit welcome.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 12:42, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

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Elinor, ever a light sleeper, stirred and woke. The night was still thick with darkness. Her husband, a rare visitor to her rooms now, slept on. She rose from the carved bed, and caught at the hangings to steady herself. Long ago, she had relished the feel of the rich cloth in her fingers and exulted in their prized warmth. Now they felt heavy, as heavy as the coin in her husband’s pocket and as heavy as the hollow dark knot inside her.

This winter was coldest and bitterest since her marriage. She felt its icy sleep beckon. Slipping from the bed, she pulled on her cloak. The fire had dwindled and the cold night had crept through the solid stone walls of the manor house. Elinor stood quite still by the window, she surveyed the ornate gardens below, silvery in the moonlight and sparkling with perfect frost.

“Elinor.”

Her husband’s voice, muffled behind the bed hangings, reached her across the void. She turned and walked from the room, his earlier words piercing her like cruel arrows. She flinched at the memory of his tone.

“You have failed, madam, in your duty to me”.

Carefully closing the fine oak door behind her, she walked steadily through the corridor. The wooden panels dutifully echoed her steps as she swept through the hall, and she was out into the merciless night.

Her small slippered feet crunched on the gravel, and then she was in the garden. The garden that she had planned, supervised, and watched as it grew into fruitfulness, colour and scent over the past sixteen years. A girl of fifteen when she arrived, Elinor had seen her garden bloom at her own hands. She had planned it, toiled over it, nurtured it, given herself to it, and yet she, mistress of this place of plenty had been overlooked.

Standing by the sundial in the centre, she drank deeply of the cold, clean night air as if it would wholly cleanse her. A dark quietness seeped into the garden and stole over her. The gentle rustling of the herbs had stopped. The silence was complete. The knife glinted, as though moved by another’s hand. It had lain there for two days, ever since she had known. Her courses had ceased. Her linen was clean. Her failure was complete, and her husband would be free to make an heir.

Her blood flowed across the frosted lawn. It froze, and the red crystals made a stain of disappointment amongst what had once been her paradise.

The child within gave a tiny sigh.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 12:43, Reply)

Everyone is coming up with great ideas.
You included.

Very readable story : )

I'm having second thoughts now on having a go myself.
( girlinthehole, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 12:47, Reply)

thanks BGB
go on, have a go!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 12:55, Reply)

Blimey!
I'd like to read a whole book of that! :)

There's so many good writers here, and good ideas too... it's great!

Do it, BGB!

*do it do it do it*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 13:16, Reply)

*click*
Very nice, hlt!

"You have failed, madam, in your duty to me."

I love that line!
I shall present you with another home-grown kitten anon.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 14:20, Reply)

Another excellent tale
I'd have a go at this, but I think I'd fail miserably.

Humour's more my thing.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 14:41, Reply)

well
this will never do.

are you all scared I'll take the cake away if you're critical?

come on, tell me what's wrong with it! how can I make it better?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 14:48, Reply)

Well, if I'm being ultra-picky
you could improve the punctuation in the sentence beginning: "She had planned it, toiled over it, nurtured it..."

by the addition of perhaps a semicolon, and another comma.

But really, I can't see anything else I'd change!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 14:57, Reply)

Hmmm.
I see your point.

no, not that one!

but the sentence is laboured to reflect that of elinor.

or you could be right.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 15:05, Reply)

I can't tell you if it's particularly well written.
You need Chickenlady to do that, but I can tell you if it was an enjoyable read.

And it was, as is all the others, which is putting me off doing my own.
( girlinthehole, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 17:11, Reply)

I want to read your story BGB
please write one!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 17:13, Reply)

clicks
for simplicity that enables greatness.

One bugbear is the word heavy like here
"Now they felt heavy, as heavy as the coin in her husband’s pocket and as heavy as the hollow dark knot inside her."

I'd make it with "Now they felt heavy, as heavy as the coins in her husband's pocket and forboding as the hollow dark knot inside her"
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 19:14, Reply)

First of all, great story HLT
It's nicely written - the metaphors work well, and the overall tone is perfect. It's got a certain haunting melancholy about it.

Becky mentioned the overuse of the word 'heavy' - the same could be said for the word 'garden' in the seventh paragraph. I have a tendency to do the same thing, overuse the same word until it kind of loses it's meaning. You could maybe replace it, in the sentence "The garden that she had planned..." with 'plot' or 'area.' I always use www.thesaurus.com when I'm writing, in case I need to come up with another way of saying something, without using the same words.

The only other thing is the name 'Elinor' - personally, I would spell it 'Eleanor,' but that may just be me. I just think it looks better, but feel free to tell me to fuck off if I'm being too pedantic.

Other than that, the writing was excellent - well done you. This off topic board is definitely the best thing to happen to B3ta - these fiction stories are superb.

*click*
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Sat 5 Jul 2008, 20:50, Reply)