well that was good. let's start with an actual question and see if it helps
what do you wish you could do, that you can't?

who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

what was the last thing you ate? was it any good?

what lesson should all children of today learn?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:39, 68 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

I wish I could spend £300,000 on a whim, and not have to worry about money in any way, shape or form.
I last spoke to a nice American chap on the 'phone, who was advising me how to set up my email on my mobile.

I last ate a curry - it was nice. Butter chicken, Bombay potatoes, keema naan - delicious.

Lesson today all children should learn: respect works both ways, you pouty, self-important little shits.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:42, Reply)

Butter chicken is a seriously under-rated curry

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:44, Reply)

It really is.
It's lush - you can feel your arteries hardening just by looking at it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:50, Reply)

*heart attack fives*
If you could get a spicier version it would be almost perfect
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:52, Reply)

Maybe you could ask the chef to make it a little spicier?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:54, Reply)

You know, you might be on to something

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:54, Reply)

or just melt a stick of butter into a vindaloo

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:55, Reply)

You are a fucking idiot.
/ac.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:55, Reply)

it's why we get on so well

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:56, Reply)

No we don't.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:48, Reply)

Play football with any level of skill
My Dad - about SD cards and camera

A smoothie I made for work today. Banana, raspberry and blueberry with a bit of apple juice in

MANNERS
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:43, Reply)

My brother's like you
Looks like nobody else in the family, until we found a picture of a distant cousin who died in the first war. Absolute spit of my brother. Genetics are weird. I take strongly after my mum's side. Shot up tall young, skinny as a rake until 25 and slowly been getting broader since. I'll stay doing that until 45 and then start shrinking. Fun!
( Kroney, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:59, Reply)

alright
Fly.

Taxi company.

Egg mayo sammich.

That the world is not a meritocracy.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:45, Reply)

Edgy.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:50, Reply)

Race a Formula 1 car.
A 'network contact' this morning who I am meeting for lunch later.

Chicken casserole with a baked potato. It was good.

Respect for others.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:46, Reply)

might as well answer my own questions, as it's slower than YM crawling through treacle to find her knickers
realistically: i wish i were fluent in at least one other language. unrealistically: either fly or become invisible. or maybe read minds.

my dad

red thai chilli spicy vegetable noodles. it was lovely.

that other people and how you treat them are very important.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:48, Reply)

Play more instruments.
My wife.
Muesli; no.
I'm still trying to work out what lesson children of my generation should've learned.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:50, Reply)

Play a musical instrument. I have tried many times but have to accept I am just shit
I can sing though

My wife. About the dog

A digestive biscuit with my coffee it were biscuity

How to do a proper hangman a knot
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:51, Reply)

Shit at musical instruments eh? Have you considered a career as a bass player?

( Peej, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:51, Reply)

Haha yeah like that's a career

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:52, Reply)

You're not trying hard enough

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:52, Reply)

At instruments?
I really am. But it just doesn't sit in my brain I have been told I a pitch perfect singing though
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:55, Reply)

P-RACTICE

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:59, Reply)

Now listen here
I have done in the past many hours per day so screw you
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:00, Reply)

Practice better
It's no good playing it wrong over and over again
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:03, Reply)

Yeah. Well. You are a bumface

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:06, Reply)

Ski
My wife
A Chilli Pie that my friend Tim made, it was delicious
All children should start learning a foreign language as soon as the start school. THough I think you mean lesson like if you touch daddy's computer you will get beaten senseless.
( Peej, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:51, Reply)

tell us more about this chilli pie
that sounds like an interesting mix
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:56, Reply)

He got left over chilli and made a pie, it's not rocket surgery

( Peej, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:58, Reply)

Yo, Peej. I have booked the Waterside at Flushing Quay in Falmouth.
Is it any good?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:28, Reply)

French or Spanish, for preference.
My execrable schoolboy French will be getting an airing next week. Had I learned it as a kid, I could well be fluent. To be fair, had I made half an effort any time since I could also be fluent, but oh man, the effort. I'd much prefer to have been conditioned.
( Kroney, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:57, Reply)

Too many people here seem to be skipping breakfast
Perhaps that's the lesson all children of today should learn - breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:51, Reply)

i noticed that
but as my breakfast is a bottle of evian, following the horrific indulgences of the LOLB4SH, i can't talk.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 9:56, Reply)

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food
I think Monty only paid attention to the second half of that
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:00, Reply)

we're seeing that dirty old beast on thursday
with his boyfriend, the equally dirty old beast. it will be a dirty old beastly evening.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:01, Reply)

Another bash I'm not invited to :(

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:04, Reply)

If it helps, where they Iive is a shithole and they're all cunts.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:10, Reply)

it's not a bash
it's a help monty move by NOT giving him a hangover drinking session.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:11, Reply)

Pause the world whenever I feel like it. Or play the piano, that might be more attainable.
My mum, planning a post Mother's Day trip to London to see We Will Rock You (for her) and try out the triple chilli challenge at meatLiquor (for me)

Some raisin wheat stuff. I don't think so.

Never stop fighting till the fight is done.
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:00, Reply)

This thread is so shit, it'a actually making me wish for a Gay Jason thread.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:08, Reply)

it's better than yours
now fuck off back to talk, there's a few people there you haven't killed off yet, although not many i admit.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:11, Reply)

Blimey Swipers, you're tetchy this morning, o you buy someone a pizza at the weekend or summat?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:24, Reply)

no
we bought lots of people their sunday lunch, and none of them put out, the frigid cunts
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:26, Reply)

I wish I could read and write.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:13, Reply)

so do i
it gets embarrassing having to read the menu out to you in public.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:19, Reply)

That's why I like to know where we're going so I can prepare accordingly.

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:20, Reply)

Like you let him go to restaurants without pictures on the menu

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:21, Reply)

he doesn't get to choose
he always wants to go to places with rotting animal carcass
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:25, Reply)

Why would he want to eat rotten meat?

( Peej, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:02, Reply)

ask him...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:08, Reply)

I'm pretty sure he aims to eat it before it rots

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:10, Reply)

no
he's an animal
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:10, Reply)

I set you all up for a cunnilingus/swipeys rotten minge joke
and no-one bit.
( Peej, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:59, Reply)

so speaking of teaching things to kids, i bought this for my niece
www.johnlewis.com/leapfrog-alphapup-pink/p1139987

(she bloody loves it, as did her cousin and my older brother's kids, if anyone needs a good toy for a toddler.) anyway, apparently my brother has been making it spell out YOU CUNT and then texting the recording to his mates on whatsapp...

MEN.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:24, Reply)

Speak n' Spell or GTFO.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:31, Reply)

My answers have changed in the last hour
Go home and sit in the sunshine.
Some prick with prostatitis, who wouldn't shut up.
A really shit blueberry muffin.
All children should learn how to bake.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 10:54, Reply)

Metabolise sugar.
I just had a tedious work call with a half wit.

I had a Big Mac at Paddington yesterday. Just felt the urge, you know? The first bite was great and then it was massively disappointing and dry and shit.

How to put a condom on. Me.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:19, Reply)

quote of the bash from berk
"stunned was a perfect gentleman." pause. "my arse really hurts this morning."

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 24 Mar 2014, 11:29, Reply)