Ooh with all the creative stories today
I have a Health and Safety poem in the reply. (because work is more fun when you get to write stupid poems about it).
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:43, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

H&S Poem
You may think Health and Safety is a chore
But there’s no such thing as an accident anymore
I slipped on a wet floor & twisted my knee
So I will call one of those numbers from the TV

Staring at a screen and my eyes are all out of whack
I’m suing the company – how do you like that!
Trapped my hand in a door and it’s nasty and red
But I would have got more money if it had bled

A friend of mine hit his head on a low bar
He got enough money to buy a new car
One company’s H&S had a bit of a blunder
So now the employees are holidaying down under

I asked for a stapler and was simply told No
In case I drop it and staple my toe
My request for a pencil got a negative reply
In case I fell and stabbed it in my eye

My desk is devoid of anything pointy and evil
Is this continues I fear an upheaval
I’m told to sit straight and don’t hunch
So my spine doesn’t twist up and bunch

The office is covered in a sea of posters
We even have safety warnings wrote on the coasters
The accident book has burst at the seams
And the H&S policy is stacked to the beams

The staff are too scared to use the copying machine
In case they bend too far and burst their spleen
The kettle has been branded a dangerous object
And without the caffeine the staff are all wrecked

The office it seems has become a dangerous place
Where everyone has a lawyer just in case
Prowling the building as quiet as a tome
I think we’d all be better staying at home!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:44, Reply)

Nice poem
It reminds me of Frank Zappa - Dangerous Kitchen.

The dangerous kitchen
If it ain't one thing it's another
In the middle of the night when you get home
The bread things are all dry 'n' scratchy
The meat things
Where the cats ate through the paper
The can things with the sharp little edges
That can cut your fingers when you're not looking
The soft little things on the floor that you step on
They can all be DANGEROUS
Sometimes the milk can hurt you
(If you put it on your cereal
Before you smell the plastic container)
And the stuff in the strainer
Has a mind of its own
So be very careful
In the dangerous kitchen
When the night time has fallen,
And the roaches are crawlin'
In the kitchen of danger
You can feel like a stranger
The bananas are black
They got flies in the back
And also the chicken
In the dish with the foil
Where the cream is all clabbered
And the salad is frightful
Your return in the evening
Can be less than delightful
You must walk very careful
You must not lean against it
It can get on your clothing
It can follow you in
As you walk to the bedroom
And you take all your clothes off
While you're sleeping
It crawls off
It gets in your bed
It could get on your face then
It could eat your complexion
You could die from the danger
Of the dangerous kitchen
Who the fuck wants to clean it?
It's disgusting and dirty
The sponge on the drainer
Is stinky and squirty
If you squeeze it when you wipe up
What you get on your hands then
Could un-balance your glands and
Make you blind or whatever
In the dangerous kitchen
At my house tonight
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:47, Reply)

Heh.
Glad to know that the madness isn't confined to this country...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:48, Reply)

@GB
You are Pam Ayres and I claim my five pounds.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:51, Reply)

@TGB
That's a good one.

@One I read that as 'The Dangerous Kitten'! I love that song The dangerous Kitchen, not Kitten.
(Herr Doktor Lemminge Is bored, so cheer me up!, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:56, Reply)

Résumé
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

--Dorothy Parker
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:00, Reply)

I like!
There's only four of us here, no real H&S focus at all.

Lovely!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:20, Reply)

I love that Dorothy Parker poem
I once wrote a song based on it. Genius that lady I tell'e
( Peej, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:39, Reply)

No H&S?!
I will have to come over and wrap you all in bubblewrap
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 16:50, Reply)