Right then
On the 1st October I am having a game of conkers with a co-worker. As it's taking place at work and during the lunch hour, there may be an audience and so the chances of never-ending glory and unending shame run high.

Help me B3tans, help me cheat like a bastard. I want hardening techniques, tips for spotting a good conker and anything else you can think of to help secure me victory.

To the victor go the spoils. There may be maidens. I may share.
( Kroney, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 11:31, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Go to a wood-turner
And ask them to make you one out mahogany.
( Cawl, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 11:36, Reply)

It's not about the shell

this will eventually crack whatever you do.

Drying it out always seemed to work best, or if you happen to be and engineer/scientist (as many of you lot seem to be) maybe some kind of pressure chamber could condense it into a sort of half conker half diamond killing machine.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 11:40, Reply)

You could always
Kick him in the nuts
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 11:47, Reply)

inject it
with glue
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 11:56, Reply)

Superglue?
Or Epoxy?
( Cawl, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 11:59, Reply)

super
epoxy glue
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:05, Reply)

It doesn't work as lube
So don't try to jerk off with it.
( Cawl, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:11, Reply)

Epoxy is the answer
First dry your conker. Drill a hole through for the string, and once it's nice and dry inside, you should manage to rummage round inside it with a small screwdriver such that the innards can be removed.

Now mix up some two-part epoxy, like Araldite. Use the slow-setting stuff in the blue and yellow tubes (not Araldite rapid) as it sets harder. Inject it into the conker using a syringe. Place somewhere warm for 24 hours - an airing cupboard is ideal - until the epoxy cures fully.

You will need to re-drill the hole for the string, as the inside will eb rock hard.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:14, Reply)

K2k6
That's very detailed...
You didn't have any friends at school, did you?
:p
( Cawl, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:17, Reply)

I'm going to hazzard a guess
And say that, at the very least, he had no friends that could beat him at conkers.
( Captain V, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:19, Reply)

As a boy-scientist
I ran through the conventional conker-toughening techniques very quickly, and discovered that they were no good.

Oven-curing made them extremely hard, but very brittle, whereas pickling resulted in rubbery conkers (smirk) which were useless for destroying others, and just split slowly.

I found that long-term air drying worked well - the previous season's nuts were better than fresh ones.

But then, as my knowledge of materials science blossomed....yes, you're quite right, my friends wouldn't play conkers with me any more :(
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:24, Reply)

how i wish
i'd never left uxbridge!!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:33, Reply)

*grins*
Excellent!

I hate rubbery nuts.
Useless for all situations.
( Cawl, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:33, Reply)

Vinegar
Apparently marks them harder but thats accepted, not cheating.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:43, Reply)

Conkers
Soaking one's conkers in vinegar does result in a slightly less than subtle aroma.

This I can guarantee will not be appreciated by any fair maidens in attendance.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 19 Sep 2008, 12:50, Reply)

@rswipe
Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

So far I am liking Agnostic Antichrist's suggestion the best.
( Kroney, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 13:19, Reply)

@ kroney
sadly, i actually meant it. even the conkers in the city have been made redundant...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 13:26, Reply)

well if you fancy attending
it will be on the 1st at 1pm in the memorial park/cemetary/plague pit.
( Kroney, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 13:29, Reply)

ah yes
the one where so many plague victims were buried, they stacked them vertically to save space. suitably apt. just make sure the rats don't eat the conkers.

i may have to send some former colleagues down to watch...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 13:51, Reply)

If you make an Epoxy Conker and are then discovered
what will be your punishment?
( Peej, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 14:00, Reply)

I propose...
A b3ta conker contest!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 16:05, Reply)

Do what Kaol said
and after that's finished, covered it with about 4 coats of woodstain. This is quite flexible and help the outside not crack off.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 16:26, Reply)