how do you tell your best mate
that you think her boyfriend is a weiner?

my friend evie has been "going out" with this guy for about 6 months.

they see each other about once a fortnight; he never texts or calls her, and she always initiates contact/makes all the plans. she is gorgeous and he looks like a freckled pear drop on legs. plus, it's been 6 months , and they have not had sex. not only that, but not even close. nada. zip. the one time they tried, he couldn't get it up. he always makes excuses to go home alone at the end of the night.

yet there she is, turning down other eligible guys, telling us all that he is her soulmate, making plans with him for months in the future...

i've said nothing to date, because i am well aware that it is none of my business, but listening to her is really starting to depress me now! it has made me think that it is really difficult when you hate your friends' partners, and i wondered if anyone else had any tips or anything more amusing to relate??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 17:58, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tell her the truth
but do so in a matter-of-fact, non-emotional way. And tell her that when it falls apart that you'll be standing by to help pick her up and dust her off.

That gets the idea across, and also lets her know that you care enough about her to not only say this but also to help when she needs it the most.

I've done it myself. It's the only thing you can do.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:05, Reply)

Aye, let her know you think he's being a dick.
Hopefully she'll see if it's going to be damaging.
I'm living that particular one.

(At this point I'd like to thank all my mates who rightly point out that my bloke is currently behaving like a prick. I know he is. I'm trying to deal with it. Hey, I got good stories about it though, and at least the sex is awesome. Your friend's had nothing in six months? Why is she still hanging in there? Christ!)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:23, Reply)

She obviously sees something in him.
Have you asked her what that something is?


And I have also been in a similar situation. Don't ask me what I saw in him now but at the time I thought he was great. She may see sense eventually.
( girlinthehole, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:38, Reply)

yeah
she really likes him. i think she's been desperate for a relationship for a couple of years, and is confusing friendship with the real thing...

to me, if you're not having white hot sweaty animal sex in the first 6 months, you're never going to have it! she says sex doesn't really matter. i think it's one of the most important things in a relationship.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:40, Reply)

Hmmmm...
she says sex doesn't really matter. i think it's one of the most important things in a relationship.

So, how YOU doin'?...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:43, Reply)

i can't complain so i won't!
no real gossip, though. "rachelswipe" does in fact mean "high maintenance and terminally single" in 137 different languages around the globe.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:56, Reply)

Opportunist, moi?
As a singly :( you'd be welcome to make introductions...?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:58, Reply)

And please don't come out with phrases like hot sweaty animal sex.
Not at the moment.


*sigh*
( girlinthehole, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 18:59, Reply)

@ edmund
oh no, what happened to the danish bird?

@ bgb, sorry. i'll revise it to fumbling drunken monkey sex. is that better?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 19:11, Reply)

Consider..
..that you are projecting your own ideas of what a "relationship" ideally is onto her and then maybe refrain from claiming it will all go wrong or that the situation is wrong. My mates would get hit if they tried to pull any shit like that on me.

Nothing wrong with being honest and just saying it seems odd to you personally and maybe asking some questions and pointing out possible alternative situations. But no need to be judgemental. It's her life.

But fuck it, I have no mates so what do I know.
(lost, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 20:07, Reply)

Ask her if she's happy
and explain that it wouldn't suit you, but if she's happy with it then that's enough.

Hopefully that should make it clear to her that you're there for her to pick up the pieces, should that arise.

There isn't really any more that you can do - I've seen friends of mine in terrible relationships - most of them eventually regain their senses. Those who don't - and I've one close friend who is married to a man I find quite unpleasant, I don't think she's happy but she says she is so there isn't any more that I can do....She knows I'm there for her whatever.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 21:46, Reply)

My best friends fiancee is a total cock.
She's due to marry him in February. He's vile, domineering, neglectful, stupid, arrogant, rude and also not very attractive, and she's gorgeous. I can't tell her not to marry him, I was hoping she'd work it out for herself, but its getting closer and closer and I'm organising hen weekends.... Also she has been seeing someone else for a couple of months.

I'm taking her to have her tarot cards read at the weekend. I'm hoping she will choose to read into whatever they say that she should call it off.....
( t0ria has forgotten how this all works, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 21:53, Reply)

@ T0ria
Tarot is very subjective, to be honest. If she's already seeing someone else, time will tell, I think.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 3 Nov 2008, 22:14, Reply)

If she's been seeing someone else
I'd say that she already knows it's bad.

The question is, why hasn't she broken it off?

(The engagement, not his- oh, nevermind...)
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 3 Nov 2008, 22:28, Reply)

@t0ria and TRL
sounds like she is the sort of girl who wants to have her cake and fuck it too.

not a nice thing to be doing, even if the guy is an arsehole.

I'm a great believer in being up front about this sort of stuff. I've said it before, but if things aren't right, and you know it and they don't, then you've got to suck it up, stop being a pussy and sort your shit out.

I'm turning into a wise-cracking detective :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 22:33, Reply)

You say
"I think your boyfriend is a weiner, edited for diplomacy and to not hurt your feelings. But he's a cock"

Or words to that effect. I'm not very good at tact.
( Kroney, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 23:46, Reply)

My Story
I never liked one of my oldest friend’s long term boyfriend, they had been going out forever when we were in our late teens. He was a dick, in my opinion, however, she thought that the sun shined out of his arse.

One night out on the piss and things changed, we were all very very drunk, we were in a pub, there was a bar extension and a live bad. They started having a fight about something stupid as drunken people do, she swung for him, he tried to burn her hand with his cigarette. ..I hauled her back, the rest of the lads intervened, night cut short(ish), we went home, much talking and crying was done. I was honest, as I have a tendency to be, and told her that he was a dick and that she could do better. Much appreciation for my honesty, we drank more, she cried more and went to our respective beds.

Naturally enough, not two days later they were back together. And I was completely sidelined, because, and she told me this, she couldn’t have me as a friend as I didn’t like her bf. I was really hurt. Our circle of friends struggled through it, tense would be a polite way to describe our nights out after that, and worse still was the fact that she told him I didn’t like him! Arse.


As an addendum, when she did meet her now husband one of her criteria for being with him was that I had to like him. Thankfully I did/do, however by then I had also learnt my lesson.

Morale of the story? you can’t tell her that he is not good for her, as she won’t listen. Hold it in, and be there for her when/if it is over.
(LittleRock is planning her next meal, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 0:42, Reply)

My friends never liked her, but said nothing
Sorry to drag this story up again, but this one went on as long as it did partly because only one of my friends was brave enough to say he "didn't trust her*."

www.b3ta.com/questions/spoiltbrats/post270185

LittleRock - you have my sympathy, but I respectfully disagree: if the guy really is a cock, Ms Swipe shouldn't let her friend suffer.

*_{Staggering understatement}
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 10:18, Reply)

@SC
LittleRock is, unfortunately, right. At least in my experience. Women in particular are weird in that the worse someone is for them, the tighter they'll hang on. It's happening to one of my friends right now and seems to be endemic to humanity in general.
( Kroney, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 11:24, Reply)

Not being a woman myself,
I shall bow to your better knowledge.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 13:31, Reply)

I disagree
I'm pretty much bad news for any woman I fancy but I still can't get laid.
(lost, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 20:55, Reply)