Attempt at interesting discussion to appease Lords Monkeysex and Thegeordie
If you could be aaaaaany animal in the whole wide world, what would you be? You must of course validate this with opinions, interesting facts or humour.

Everyone laughs at the duckbilled platypus for being ridiculous looking. I think they're awesome because they're made up of bits of other animals. AND I found out recently that they have poisonous barbs on their back feet to stab fishies with. Oh yes, you mock it but it's not to be messed with!!

If I could be any animal....I wouldn't be a platypus, they're still too ridiculous. I'd be a panther because they kick all the other jungle animals' arses, they're arguably the coolest of the cats and they hide in trees.

And they come in black or pink!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:36, 62 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Platypi
are fucking awesome. They are mammals but they lay eggs, and the people that first found them couldn't make anyone else believe they existed, they thought they were two animals sewn together.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:38, Reply)

Panthers don't exist
Trufax.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:41, Reply)

No3L
You fucking racist.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:43, Reply)

Neither of you answered the question!
Nil points for you!!!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:44, Reply)

I'd totally be a Panther
I don't care if they're just black leopards.

Panthers fucking rule.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:45, Reply)

I'd be a sea otter
for several reasons which I shall now sing:

1. they live in the sea
2. they like having a laugh
3. otter poo smells kind of minty

additional: I saw a panther in dorset. I have a photo of it, but it's shit because I had the worst camera ever with me at the time.

www.b3tards.com/u/48ca4e4a50b7cad28251/cat.jpg
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Vipros
as the filename suggests, what you actually saw was a black cat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:49, Reply)

a big fuck-off shark
with a gun,
riding an elephant, on rollerskates
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:52, Reply)

I concur
with berts assessment.


and his ass.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:52, Reply)

the "cat" was the size of a big dog was definitely a cat from the way it moved
particularly its tail, and when we found the footprints they were a foot or more apart

there was no way that was a normal domestic cat particularly as there are quite a lot of sightings of a big cat in the area.

and guess what: a panther is a black cat.

I know what I saw.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:55, Reply)

I'd be a tape worm

I'd be in your guts stealing your nutrients.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Are you sure it wasn't a cow Vipros?
Looks like a cow.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:55, Reply)

I concur with
mictoboy's reply.

Elephants on rollerskates would be much harder for poachers to shoot.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:55, Reply)

kitty
have you ever seen a cow?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:56, Reply)

@ Ape
That's gross.

I learned the other day that even parasites can catch parasites so beware! You could be a tapeworm with a little tiny tapeworm inside you, stealing YOUR nutrients!
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 15:58, Reply)

Yes I've seen a cow!
They have all black ones y'know.

*sulks*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:00, Reply)

I saw a cow once
I took a photo of it to remember it. Said photo is here.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:00, Reply)

Why do elephants tie springs onto their feet?

( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:00, Reply)

I want to say
so they can hide in cherry trees but it doesn't make sense.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:01, Reply)

So they can bounce into the treetops
and rape the monkeys.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:01, Reply)

I don't know
why do elephants tie springs to their feet?

EDIT That's fucking awful, al.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:02, Reply)

yes, but cows are considerably bigger and don't look like cats
al: you are a penis
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:02, Reply)

I stand corrected....
disgustingly corrected.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Why is it that over on /talk
all of althegeordie's posts contain 'ym'?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:03, Reply)

But Vipros, if you're going to list
animals the photo doesn't look like then 'panther' should also be in there.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Sorry Vipros
couldn't help myself.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:03, Reply)

I feel bad for my last comment now
think Al rubbed off on me for a second.

Not in that way.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:04, Reply)

did you note that I said I had the worst camera in the world with me?
it may not have been a panther, but it was a fucking great big black cat, the size of a panther.

no need for apologies though, my only regret is that we didn't chase the fucker down and get better pictures. then I could've sold them to the Sun.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:05, Reply)

It was me
covered in boot polish and foraging for dormice again.

I have a very feline gait.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:05, Reply)

you do a good cat's tail impression
with your 3 foot long penis as well
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:06, Reply)

I would love
to rub off on kitty in that way.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:08, Reply)

It's actually only 2'6"
now, I got it trapped in the car door.

'MeOWWW' like that, I went.

EDIT shit, I was supposed to be buying one of Kitty's corsets, wasn't I? I'm extremely shit.

My Mrs's birthday is in one and a half weeks, and I've got her NOTHING.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:08, Reply)

You are a shit boyfriend
You should let her whip you and then shit on your chest as punishment.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:10, Reply)

I was going to buy one of Kitty's corsets for Mrs V
but she has been on a crazy weight loss mission and I figured it better to wait until she's finished then when she is upset that none of her clothes fit I can spring a corset on her!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:11, Reply)

She'd properly love that.
I can't think of a single thing to get her, I over-did it on Valentine's day.

Fuck, fuck, shitty-arsed fuck. I'll buy her vouchers for shoes, she'll love that.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:11, Reply)

Yeah you are pretty rubbish Mr Monkeysex
But I'm sure she's used to that.

I should have my interwebs shop up and running, so I'll be a link whore and then guilty you all into buying three each.

Or I could make you all snazzy waistcoats.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Excuse me?
For Valentine's day, I made my Mrs a lovely meal, ran her a candlelit bubblebath, massaged her (I did an evening class!), gave her a whole series of her favourite TV show on DVD, a cute little cuddly kitten that I'd named Brian, AND I wrote her the most loveliest love letter you could ever imagine.

...and then, the morning after, just as she was still sulking for thinking I'd forgot, the delivery man turned up with £40s worth of pink roses for her.

I'm fucking ace.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:19, Reply)

Ooooo
I'd like a proper snazzy waistcoat for my upcoming nuptials.

But the mrs thinks it should match with her colour scheme or something.

Should I just tell her fuck off and that I'll wear snazzy internet waistcoats if I want to?
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:21, Reply)

It should really match
I wore a grey waistcoat and a pink cravat on my wedding day.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:22, Reply)

That's becuase your a massive gayer with no sartorial elegance.
Your valentines thing sounds good though.

We had steak.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:24, Reply)

You tosser
I bet your Mrs doesn't even like steak.

I should point out that after eating our fresh pasta with shredded chicken in a tomato and that Italian cheese sauce, we fucked like bunnies. So my plan clearly worked.

Best of all, her female friends now think that I'm fantastic, while their boyfriends are totally shit by comparison.
I see a menagé a sept in my near future.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:30, Reply)

I'd be a giant squid
because they have beaks.

A fact which amuses me.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:31, Reply)

This single fact
scares the crap out of me. It's essentially a big jelly monster, but each of the little suckers on it's legs can cut a chunk of flesh out of you, and then it's got a fucking beak too!
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:34, Reply)

She hates steak
that's why I made it. She didn't eat it, so I wolfed down hers too then sat on the sofa and had a wank while she did the dishes. Then we sat in silence while I looked at some porn on teh internet. Then I went to the pub with some friends.

Woke up sprawled on her side of the bed with a kebab stuck to my face. She had got tired of my snoring and had gone to sleep on the sofa.

But she couldn't as I'd laid a nice cable on there after falling asleep in front of the telly naked before I made it upstairs.


So she just slept on the floor.

I only know that because I ended up kicking her when I came down for breakfast.

Ungrateful bitch made me get it myself.

And she didn't make me a cup of tea either.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:33, Reply)

That's fantastic al
but when you get married, the tables will turn.

I told my Mrs that as she'd had it so good this year, next year she's only getting a pie and a slap.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:34, Reply)

@ al
Yeah, but you'll never see one, so it's safe to laugh at them from afar.

edit: and I like to imagine whales being pecked by them, which also amuses me.

I don't know how to do those embedded things, sorry.

*adds something about steak and valentines day and shagging and bert's cock and whatnot*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:37, Reply)

In fairness
I'm regularly the victim of "falling down the stairs" or "walking into a door". I don't know who to turn to. One of these days she'll go too far and my family will find out.

She used to use a sock full of oranges, it hurt, but didn't leave a bruise. Now she uses a bag of spanners.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:38, Reply)

Awwww, Tulip
You should have come to mine for valentine's day. I'd have looked after you. Hard. In the mouth.

al, you're confused, she only hits you with her fists, it's just her face that is like a sack of chisels.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:40, Reply)

@ Bert
by "looked after" do you mean "rogered me senseless with an aubergine while you and al bum each other in a frenzied orgy of hatred, jump leads and marmelade"?
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Pretty much
But I would have poked you at least once so you didn't feel left out.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:45, Reply)

@al
you're charm itself, aren't you.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:47, Reply)

getting a pie and a slap
that's priceless

I will consider the same for my other half, after I treated her to a day of awesomeness!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:47, Reply)

I like that even in her own description
Tulip was rogered 'senseless' with an aubergine.

She's a classy lady, no cucumbers for her.

I'd give you at least three orgasms HLT, that seems to be my magic number.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:48, Reply)

Al
Sorry for delayed response, was doing some work.

I think you should ignore the wife-to-be's colour scheme and turn up in a waistcoat, nay FULL SUIT made from this:


Edit: Is that too big? I have no comprehension of sizing. S'why my bloke loves me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:50, Reply)

On Valentine's Day
my boyfriend went to a techno night and I had to make dinner for my parents who then waited until I was drunk before asking me if I'd ever taken drugs.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:52, Reply)

That is damned sneaky of them
You should return the favour by making them drink a bottle of whiskey and then asking them about sex toys.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 16:59, Reply)

How romantic!
Leave him.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:00, Reply)

Or even better
Invite me, Bert and HLT round to yours and make him watch us take it in turns to double team you.

Then leave him.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:03, Reply)

YEAH
What al said. HLT's sexy parties rock the flock's smocked socks.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:07, Reply)

HLT
parties sexy in her panties while her rock smock gets socked by a flock .....

.....


........


.....of bert and als.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:10, Reply)

Best animal ever?
This may be some kind of internet meme or whatever the cool kids call it but check out this kerrrazee creature:


( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:10, Reply)

al, that was rubbish
and so is the cocknosed monkey.

I'm going home for a beer and a wank. See you all tomorrow!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 20 Feb 2009, 17:28, Reply)