Already bored stupid and feeling irritable this afternoon
I now have some twat from one of our other offices sitting at a spare desk directly opposite me and since he has been here he has been on the fucking phone non-stop. Already annoying, but to make matters worse he has a stupid fucking voice.

the fucking cunt.

update: god, the twat's latest call was to who I can only assume was his boyfriend, given the gay tones emanating from him.....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:30, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

@Vipros
I've noticed that for a hippy-type, ganja-loving, surf-dude, rock-band kind of guy........you're not very laid back.
( girlinthehole, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:34, Reply)

not really a hippy as such
the other stuff is all spot-on though.

Basically I manage to keep myself all happy-go-lucky with respect to most things by pouring out my rage at stuff like the annoying people at work and U2.

Generally speaking though, I am about as laid-back a person as you could ever hope to meet. I'm also very positive and upbeat.

Although it might not seem like it...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 14:39, Reply)

What's yellow and red and looks good on a hippy?





fire.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 15:13, Reply)

I suggest...
...you punch him in the cock.

And then have an extra fat one to help forget your hideous anger.

You are still spot on about U2 - one of the great 'rules of pubs' is:

- If you are in a pub and a U2 track is played you must finish your drink and leave immediately.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:16, Reply)

beat him to death with the phone
FUCK people who natter on office telephones. Use email, or some such, to spare the other slaves knowledge of your pathetic life.

And office 'guests' are always cunts, I find. Might just want to push him out of a window, assuming yours open. You needn't be too high up either, maiming is good enough for the likes of him.

(Can everyone tell how much I love working in an office?)
( cackers, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:16, Reply)

Go over to him
Unplug the phone, bash him round the head with it then throw the phone out of the window.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:18, Reply)

it's a mobile
so not likely to do him much harm, and our windows don't open....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:22, Reply)

That means that
i. you need to bash harder to cause pain
ii. you will need to throw it harder to get it through the window.

Not impossible, it'll just require more effort.

What about nailing the phone to his face? Got any nails?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:23, Reply)

^
Use a nail gun?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:28, Reply)

Let's hear some more suggestions
on my desk I have:
a laptop with mouse and keyboard
a phone
my diary
an external hard drive
an orange
a pint glass
a mechano helicopter
lots of paper ranging from post-its to A0
an ipod shuffle (2nd gen, in silicone case)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:29, Reply)

I know
Put some AIDS in the Meccano helicopter and fly it into the wanker's face.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:41, Reply)

So...
...no nail gun?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:43, Reply)

A mobile phone forced up the nose is quite painful
and can cause bleeding so best wear an apron.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 16:44, Reply)

A cunning plan
Peel the Orange and squeeze the peel into his eyes, blinding him.
Then to compound his confusion stick post it notes over his mouth and nose and play some Naplam Death through your I-Pod into his ears.

Rip the pages from your diary and begin to paper cut him all over, don't stop until the paper is too wet to continue.

While he writhes in pain quickly glass him in the face with your pint glass. While he is pulling shards of glass from his scalp, quickly download some kiddie porn onto your external hardrive, scoot around to his desk and upload it to his laptop. Cover your tracks on this bit.

As he crawls on the floor begging for mercy, quickly remove his trousers, rev up the helicopter and launch it at his nads.

Take photos with your phone and upload to youtwat for all the world to enjoy.




Piss on him.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 17:19, Reply)