Help desperately needed.
Why?

Because it’s coming up to comic relief and I’m trying and play along with everyone and enter into the spirit of it. The task, is to ‘submit a joke’ to the team bulletin board, the best joke winning half of the entry money (before peer pressure will see them almost forced to give the whole lot to charity), the worst joke will receive ‘some sort of evil forfeit’ Likely to be either a custard pie or bucket of slime.

I don’t really want to lose. So, what’s the best ever – non offensive – joke?

Come on, help! There are kids starving… apparently.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 15:41, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My personal favourite...
What's the first sign of madness?

...
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 15:46, Reply)

...
Suggs walking down your driveway.

I love it!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 15:47, Reply)

911 is a joke
According to Chuck D, anyway.

*misses point*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:05, Reply)

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
because they taste funny.
( t0ria has forgotten how this all works, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:11, Reply)

A penguin
Goes into a bar and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?",
"Dunno," says the barman, "What does he look like?"
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:16, Reply)

Why doesnt Lenny Henry tell racist jokes ?

Because he doesn't know any
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Did
you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.
(dchurch bah, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:32, Reply)

This is a joke.
The punchline is "Otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar". The joke is:
"Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name?". The punchline is "Otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar". You should tell that joke. It funny. Say it funny. We laugh.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:41, Reply)

why was the woman crying covered in blood?
Because she gang rape!

In my country, is funny.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:42, Reply)

the funniest joke I know
takes about 10-15 minutes to tell. It can be longer. The beauty of it is that it can be stretched for quite a long time. About 50% of the people hearing it laugh. Do you want me to tell it? Its called "Mr Hammer". And its quite funny. But it would take me about a day to type out. If you send £100 to my cousin I will type it out.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:45, Reply)

You alright over there, coke?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 16:49, Reply)

I am fine
Wow is hot here right? What is happenign with the Eastenders right? Whats up with that!

I am indeed in trouble Mr 3L. I have problems with mother she sick. I am hoping for help from my fellow members of the website b3ta! All I am asking is for minor donations to go to my cousin who is missionary (not in Nigeria). Please be sending the money now!
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 17:08, Reply)

What is
E.T. short for?


'cos he's got little legs.
(dchurch bah, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 17:14, Reply)

Maybe some Latvian jokes?
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road?
Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents' farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry.

Joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please open door. Is cold.

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato?

Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference?
Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing!

Joke:
Boy: But mother, I no are like grandma.
Mother: Eat anyway. Is no potato.

Joke:
What are one potato say other potato?
Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?

Joke:
How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb?
25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Q: what is happening if you cross Latvian and potato?
A: this is cruel joke. please, no more.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 11 Mar 2009, 17:14, Reply)

How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate its tit a lot.

I love that one.

Or:
How many surrealists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Three. One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly-coloured machine tools.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 17:15, Reply)

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 17:18, Reply)

TRIANGLE!

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 17:55, Reply)

A British Ambassador goes over to Ghana
...to deliver an ultimatum to Idi Amin.

"We've heard about the way you're running this country," he says, "and we don't like it. Either stop it, and clean up your act, or we will cease all trade with you."

Idi Amin is unruffled.
"If you do that," he replies, "I will take your Queen's face off our banknotes."

The Ambassador takes a deep breath and calmly replies.
"If you do that, we'll take your face off the marmalade jars."


Oh, sorry, that could be quite offensive, couldn't it?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:28, Reply)

Marmelade? RIS?
Anyone care to de-RIS this for me?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:50, Reply)

My personal favourite
What's red and not there?


No tomatoes!

edit@Loon - I think this is a reference to the golliwog pics that used to be on marmelade jars...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:51, Reply)

What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
( Cawl, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 18:56, Reply)

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 19:21, Reply)

Two fish are in a tank
one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 19:37, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post365422
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 19:52, Reply)

What's the difference between...
...Jade Goody and Wendy Richards?

My money is on less than a fortnight.

(Not what you were looking for but I just heard it and wanted to share the love)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:57, Reply)

FAO Tugnut
Tugnut

See, I like where that Jade Goody joke is going, although I can’t help but wonder if ‘Wendy Richards’ (rather than Wendy Craig) would make the joke a bit funnier?

What do I know though? I

Mullered.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:17, Reply)

err

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

My all time favorite joke doesn't translate very well to writing. It has to be told. With the proper gestures and voices. It's a corker.

But, even funnier than that joke, is watching Tourette's trying to tell the joke. Because she knows the punchline, she just cracks up about halfway through and can't speak for laughing.

Seriously - at the next bash - someone ask her to tell The Faithhealer.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:18, Reply)

Re Mullered
...erm yes. I see your point and have edited accordingly. I blame the post football Jameson session.

However. If Wendy Craig dies today I will change it back.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:35, Reply)

Ken Dodd died!
Did he?

No - Doddy!
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 12:35, Reply)