Top Tips
Do you have any specific to your job that are of no use to anyone? post them in the replies.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:39, 20 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Processing PVC?
Smear a small quantity of coca-cola on the gate of the mould to get rid of silvering of the moulding.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:39, Reply)

Technical support rules 1 and 2.
1. Do nothing. Most problems will go away on their own due to them not actually being problems in the first place.
2. Is it plugged in? Physically, logically. Basically - is it on/enabled.

That there is how to solve 95% of all tech support problems. The other 5% take up all the time.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:46, Reply)

2d hydraulic modelling?
Most instability can be put down to irregularities in the DTM which require smoothing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:48, Reply)

Technical Support Rule 3
It's usually a wetware problem.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Injured yourself on a saw?
You're likely to be too stupid to qualify as a human being, so don't come running to me.
( Cawl, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:51, Reply)

Purchase Orders
over £1500, unless they are software maintenance renewals, must be printed out and faxed to the chairman for signing. An order may not be placed without the signature.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Faxing out of town?
Don't forget to hit 'pause' twice.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Student asking you why something doesn't work?
It's always an environment problem and all code within our experiment should be run from a totally fresh shell. Always.
(Shippy likes linebreaks and doesn't care what you think, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:57, Reply)

Found a data fragment in the Unallocated Clusters you wish to export?
Make sure you copy out only the required section, not the whole 'file', otherwise you'll be attempting to copy out between 10GB and 1TB worth of data you don't need.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Looking at an image that doesn't tie up with the exhibit it's alledgedly from?
The technician imaged his own hard drive, not the exhibit.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:03, Reply)

True profitability

Don't forget folks: Capital efficiency = PV (Profits net of cost of capital) over PV (Opportunity cost of capital)

Try that, and I think you'll see where you're going wrong.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Always do
the whole data transformation on the DBMS server and transfer back just what you need to format+display. That's what it's there for.

And on the same subject:

Don't pick random rows from a million record dataset by assigning each row a random number, sorting by said number and taking the top few of the result. If you do, I will get stroppy, even if you are my boss.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:27, Reply)

Don't use the No Entry entrance at Verney
If they catch you, they'll take your plate away.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 16:31, Reply)

Glasses wonky?
Raise the arm on the side that is sitting higher.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 17 Apr 2009, 19:57, Reply)

While nice people
The Network Enginnering team are careless and not to be trusted. Check the config of everything you're sent before you plug it in otherwise you will end up sat in a cold server room in a foerign country at 1am trying to fix their fuckups!
(bill, Sat 18 Apr 2009, 1:30, Reply)

A historic one:
Working at Red Bee Media?

Don't! Quit now, you'll thank me later!

P.S. Just because your stuck at home with a new baby doesn't mean anyone having fun evenings might have "a drinking problem"
P.P.S. Management courses are quite cheap you over promoted donkey cock!
(bill, Sat 18 Apr 2009, 1:35, Reply)

Auto bias on valve amps will only work within set perameters
When using NOS valves, all valves will need to be checked prior to installation in the chassis.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Sat 18 Apr 2009, 2:03, Reply)

Working in a restaurant?
Don't think - just do what you're told.

And customers - if you are rude to me - your order will take longer. If you change your mind halfway through your meal "But I don't like crayfish!" this is not a problem - provided you ACTUALLY TELL ME.
Otherwise - shut the hell up and finish your goddamn spagafriggentini. then leave. We need that table.

/rant over.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 18 Apr 2009, 3:18, Reply)

I have to submit
4 documents to the school principal, written by me in English, he only speaks Japanese, because that's protocol. I was thinking of just doing a copy and paste from QOTW and giving it to him.
(knackerz is skinning up, Sat 18 Apr 2009, 7:37, Reply)

to plug your ipod into the theatre
use tielines 5 and 6
and make sure the FOH L&R are in the OP 1 and 2 on the main amp.

if the desk has a signal but there's no sound, your OP is plugged in the wrong way round.

at least that's my understanding of it.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Sat 18 Apr 2009, 9:53, Reply)