Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the DiT Awards for Funny Things I Heard on The Street, 2009.
May we say, at the start, that there has been a veritable slew of entries this year, ranging from the sublime "if you were menna put it in there, it wun't 'urt, would it?" to the ridiculous "all I'm saying is, right, that custard is better than jam".

This years award, however, goes to Unspecified Road Works Man A who, after weeks and weeks of doing sod all on Marshalsea Road, SE1, suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs from the cab of his JCB: "OI! ANDY!" (pause for effect) "YOU'RE.... GAY!"

*applause*

What other honourable mentions do you have?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 14:26, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

"I don't know whether to go for this mobile phone or the other"
Agonised one chavette on the bus one day.

"What's the difference?" Asked her porcine-featured friend.

"Well, one's black, the other's bright pink like!"

I died a little inside that day.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 1 Jul 2009, 14:31, Reply)

Download Festival.
Urinal Area.

Chap: Oi Steve?

Steve: What?

Chap: You're a CUNNNNNNNT! Hahaha!

Various other people pissing: Steve? A cunt? Why are you a cunt Steve?
( Cawl, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 14:33, Reply)

Little kid, getting up off the floor
She was shouting back down the street to her waving uncle, who looked relieved that the rabbitting little squeak was leaving him in peace.

Kid: "Oh no, but Uncle Joey, I've fell over!"
Uncle Joey "Yeah, good girl, you'll be home soon..." *waves*
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 14:35, Reply)

Guest at a wedding to another guest
Guest A is a chap of my age, guest B is a lady in her late middle-age

A: "Barbara, you will teach me to ballroom dance!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 14:39, Reply)

Chavette on mobile telephone:
"Well, I tole 'im I weren't going dahn on 'im nah more, not after I'd found out oo 'e'd bin poling..."
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 15:00, Reply)

Walking past a very very camp man on the phone
"Don't cry Brad your eyeliner will run"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 15:01, Reply)

WIN!

( Cawl, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 15:03, Reply)

On the metro at Gateshead
"Shit it's the checkies. Do you think I could suck them off for a ticket?"
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 1 Jul 2009, 15:06, Reply)

Class.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 1 Jul 2009, 19:05, Reply)

On the train, said by an oldish man to his whinging 2-year old grandaughter:
"Well, you won't be drinking bubble bath again will you?"
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 15:28, Reply)

Quality parenting
Going to my local Morrisons on a weekend afternoon I am always guaranteed to see something that makes me doubt humanity but this one takes the cake.

Baby in pram - WAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAH!
Mum - Shhhhh baby *waves teddy at baby*
Baby in pram - WAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAH!
Mum - Hmmmm, maybe she needs changing or sumfink?
Baby in pram - WAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAH!
Dad - If that fucking baby doesn't shut up I'm gonna headbutt the fucker!


Nice.
(MyFakeName, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 15:42, Reply)

custard IS better than jam.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 16:16, Reply)