Omens
I rarely enter the living room on weekday mornings, it's just not in my routine. This morning, however, I did. Then I switched on the television. Another rare thing. What did I see? Angela Lansbury's grimacing face frozen onto my screen! Completely still, stuck in a hideous gurning frown. I had to switch the Freeview box off and on in order to get rid of it. Why has this happened to me? Of what is it a portent? What has spooked you ahead of Halloween?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:32, 31 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I turn 28 tomorrow
tell me how to stop the ageing process now, before it's too late. Please?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:41, Reply)

Go and kill yourself it's the only way.

Or have a KFC.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:44, Reply)

Had one yesterday with a friend
Now i'm sweating gravy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:47, Reply)

Kill yourself
simples
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:45, Reply)

It's a jinx omen

Now you must kill yourself otherwise you'll die
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:45, Reply)

Who me? Or him?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:49, Reply)

Him, you may live

for now
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

*dies*
Up yours, conventional wisdom!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:52, Reply)

You need to have sex with more old women.

( girlinthehole, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:45, Reply)

My Mrs is coming down tomorrow
do I jump her bones as soon as I see her, or do the 'hugging, kissing and chatting' stuff first?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:48, Reply)

Don't say anything
just turn her round and bend her over.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

and ride her like a horse

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

This is a serious possibility

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:51, Reply)

Do you have some leather chaps?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:52, Reply)

Yes we do, old bean

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:53, Reply)

What delightful mental image
*fwaps*

*self loathes*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:54, Reply)

I SAID OLD WOMEN.

( girlinthehole, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:54, Reply)

His mrs
is actually his aunty sandra.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:55, Reply)

isn't that crackhouse?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:56, Reply)

Berts aunty is the poor mans crackhouse.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:57, Reply)

Ha!
My poor Auntie Sandra, she'll be gutted when I tell her about this
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:58, Reply)

I tell her about this my barbed penis rips out her innards
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 10:00, Reply)

I wish
she's gotten well sexy since Uncle Jim died
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 10:02, Reply)

Sexy, sexy crackhouse
and her lovely sister-of-my-mothery-ness
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:57, Reply)

I'm not going there again, I'm sorry
Online flirting is my limit these days
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:56, Reply)

Hahaha!
Unexpected serious answer!
( girlinthehole, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 9:59, Reply)

I might make you the exception that proves the rule

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 10:02, Reply)

Only because I'm desperate and would ride you like one of the four horsemen of the apocolypse till you screamed for mercy.
( girlinthehole, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 10:08, Reply)

I'd love every minute


EDIT haha, just realised horsemen has SEMEN in it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 10:15, Reply)

GAH!
That makes no sense in that context, FFS BERT IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE A CLICHE LEARN WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS BEFORE YOU LET IF FALL OFF YOUR FAT FINGERS AND ONTO THE INTERNET.

*unexpected seriousness online*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 10:10, Reply)

Get a girlfriend, homo

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 30 Oct 2009, 10:15, Reply)